How can a father gain full or more custody?

[Vicky]

Hello all! Im new here and I hope these boards will be great help!

My husband & I are dealing with his ex wife and some issues. They are on an outdated parenting plan that no longer works for my husband or the child since she is going to the 2nd grade in the fall, and the parenting plan took place before she was in kindergarten. So they have to go to mediation, while we have all documents and calendars that state when we have had the child and all the drama that goes along with that, how can my husband & I gain more custody? We live in Tennessee and I'm not 100% of the laws. We do have a lawyer and we are in the process of setting up mediation.
We would like full custody or more custody. My husband is secondary on the papers. We cannot prove she is unfit, she keeps a roof over the child's head, she is clean, she is fed, and gets to school every day. But like most cases with ex's she is just plain crazy. Moral beliefs and religious beliefs are completely off and she puts a lot of stress and her adult problems on this child. And has had a string of multiple husbands that the child has all seen and has seen some abuse.

I just wanted to know if anyone has been in this situation or has any advice.

Thanks

[*iLUVmySD*]

First as a stepmom myself I would be careful about referring to any of the custody being yours. I know it's hard, because I've had to deal with that distinction myself as a stepmom, but that's just how it is. Second, hopefully mediation will work out where your husband and his ex can agree on a schedule that give both as much time as possible. Do you live close to each other? If no agreement can be reached, then my question is how long ago did the abuse occur at BM's house. Were any authorities ever contacted? Any investigations or charges? We were able to use an old case of abuse against my SD by her half-brother while at BM's house to defend against some of BM's accusations against us many years after the incident. But the case happened when my SD was 2 and at the time we brought it up in court she was 7. It really just depends on a lot of factors and what proof you have. Have you asked your attorney?

[Vicky]

Thanks for the info!

Oh we would never include my name in any custody issues.... My husband & I can say that between us, but we have been together already over 2 years and I know by now that I have little to do with much that is set with the child..... It is tough because Im there just as much as my husband. But that is the way it is. And I dont like the BM, but I keep my mouth shut around her to keep peace. And all transactions usually go through my husband.

Well I think the abuse was about a year ago towards the BM and her new husband at the time. Nothing that we know of happened to my SD, but she would come over to our house and say "Paul choked mommy" so that was disturbing. No reports were filed or anything, she would just come over and talk about it? Right after that happened she divorced that guy, and now she is onto her next husband. That was her 3rd husband that choked her and now she is already remarried less than a year later.

Well right now we live about an hour apart from each other. And getting more custody would be hard because were not in the same school zone as she is in right now.

We do have a lawyer like I said, but sometimes they just give you the legal terminology of the situation and sometimes its easier to talk to someone who has been through it themselves....

Thanks again!

[gemini3]

Honestly, it is very hard to get custody changed.  Something would have to be happening, to the detriment of the child, that was not occuring when the original custody order was put in place.  The courts treat changing custody in the same way they treat terminating parental rights.  In other words, things have to be really bad before they will do it.  If your SD is doing ok in school and she is not being abused in any way it is unlikely that they will change custody.

Also - they will rarely make modifications to anything because it doesn't "work" anymore for either parent.  They are concerned with what works for the child, and think that parents should just work around that.  So you should always frame your requests with how things are affecting/will affect the child.  If you want more time, or a different schedule, show how it would benefit the child.

Being a step-mom myself, and having to deal with a difficult ex, I always try to remember that - whatever I think of the kids BM - she is their mom, and they have to deal with her one way or another.  Even though sometimes I think it would make life easier for myself and my husband, and even the kids, I know that not having their mom would be devastating for the kids.  No parent is perfect, and every child needs to deal with that as part of growing up.  You can't protect your SD from her mothers imperfection or bad parenting.  Even if she came to live with you she would still have to deal with it on some level.  If there is abuse, that's a different story - but religious differences, parenting style differences, lifestyle differences, etc. are areas that just make us different - not necessarily "bad".  And plenty of people who have "bad" parents grow up to be wonderful people - in part because of what they experienced as children.

I, of course, say all this but also understand how difficult it is to put it into practice on a day to day basis.  Being mindful of these things can be helpful in maintaining your own sanity.

[janM]

What kind of custody does dad have? Joint legal? Visitation only?
What does the plan say about parenting time?
He may be able to at least get a more detailed one, if that is needed.
Browse the plans on this site, in the articles section, and work from those. Have him decide what he wants and ask for that in mediation, and decide how much he will "give" either way.

I agree, I don't see a custody change, but I don't think it will be hard for him to get a good, enforceable plan into effect.

[Vicky]

Thanks everyone! Yeah we doubt too that he can get more custody, but thier outdated parenting plan says he must get his daughter on Tuesday nights and the mother picks her up on Thursday nights, which this was fine before she started school, but now she is almost in 2nd grade that isnt going to work with her in school and they live an hour away. So those days would be really diffcult getting her to school with us an hour away, so I dont see that they would keep those days the same for him.

Right now he is listed as the secondary parent. So in TN I guess that isnt joint custody? I think they list it only as primary and secondary?



He is wanting 3 weekends a month and she can have her the 4th weekend, any weekend it may be.

He was just thinking since we have a lawyer then it wouldnt hurt to ask what it would take to gain more custody?

I know that is her mother and that is the way it is, I have read books on the subject and talked to other people because I'm coming in as a 27 y/o with no kids and never being involved with a man that has had kids before. So its a whole new world! But I keep the peace, I dont say anything negative to the child about her mother and I do not say anything to the mother when I see her that is off color.
I grew up with "messed" up parents and I would like to think I came out ok. I hope the same for my SD, I think she will realize one day that Daddys house is a lot different than moms!

Thanks again guys!