NEED HELP ASAP!! SHOULD I TAKE THE DEAL?

[Kalkir]

Balancing the need to fight to stay in your children's lives versus trying minimize the exposure to increased levels of hostility between their parents is the two headed dragon of custody disputes.  I always kept in mind that two of the most harmful effects of divorce upon children is 1)loss of contact with one parent, and 2)the forces at play upon their lives when hostility escalates between the parents.  As a consequence I have made some compromises over the years in attempt to balance those two factors.  But when dealing with an unreasonable person as the co-parent, the circumstances often demand that one opposes forcefully the other parent.  After nine years, I still have a very hostile ex who only lowers her hostile stance when she wants to manipulate me or attempts to get me to lower my guard.

Your co-parent has already shown that she is not interested in making things fair, so your good intentions to stop the escalation is a weakness in your resolve to get the best deal possible at this point.  For fathers typically, due to gender bias in family courts, you are forced into a game of grinding out yardage to get good field position.   Right now, you are not even at your own twenty yard line.  To go for a touchdown now is not wise.  You are better off doing everything you can to improve your position for future rounds of litigation. 

Get used to the pain you feel; it is part of the melody of your life for years to come.  The love for your children is the source of your pain, and be grateful for their sakes that you feel it.  Many times the situation is so intolerable that a parent will give up and try to move on.  But that pain can also be a source of motivation to make hard decisions and to choose difficult courses of action.

But understand that if you are far away from them with long periods of no contact, you will feel this pain every time you return them to the other parent, and that will make it quite hard to tolerate the situation.   If you move closer to them, you will still suffer pain.  But it may be easier to bear if you know you will be seeing them frequently. 

[GADAD2004]

First, thank you all for your replys!  They have been helpful.  So, what then should I be asking more of? Time, money, less CS, etc?  I'm confused as to what I can ask for.  Any help would be great!

GA DAD MISSING HIS KIDS

[ocean]

Some Ideas:

When do you have off from work? Do you have long weekends or someone that can watch them while you are at work? If yes,

Then ask for to parenting plans now..first one is until they start school. Put all the long holiday weekends or make them into weeks (and use family/daycare). I say this because until they are school aged you can probably make it work to see them longer now...

Then have one court ordered at soon as oldest child hits kindergarten the parenting plan will be changed to:
Get the local school calendar on-line. See when they have off and ask for all breaks (Jewish holidays, long weekends, columbus day..etc..winter break, spring break, summer schedule (be specific, what day, time can you get them, where...) Bithdays...

You can put a clause in there that if you were to move within 50 miles father would get every other weekend visitation and a day during the week (name the day afterschool until 8pm). or even ask for 2 days...

Child support vs Visitation costs...figure how much in gas it would be to get up and back to see kids....you can meet at a half way point or you can pick them up and the she comes and gets them at the end. Plane costs...
Mother will pay for thanksgiving, summer visit, and spring break to fly kids to father/or drive them to father... (or whatever you want them). Or you can ask for a reduction in child support for travel costs for meeting half way and needs to be a good amount.

Who pays for extra activities? if you pay any share have a clause in there that states "father is allowed to attend activites and have equal access to get tickets for activities/recital".

Clause that states: father is to have eqaul access to school records, attend any school functions (you will need this for the school if you want to come on Field Day, concerts and she doesnt want you there. They put your divorce papers in your child's school folder).

Clause: you have access to medical record including dental, counseling, pychological, orthodontist. Father is allowed to atttend all of these appointments and be afforded the same considereation as the mother.

You can ask for specific phone times to call the kids and have them available to talk to. If you both have web cams you can have a time once a week where you can talk by way of webcam. Be specific time and day.

clause: IF father is in kids home state, he can have access to the children. He will give 48 hours notice. He will be allowed to get children afterschool...(not sure how you want to word this but you get the idea...detailed as possible)

Bottom line is you need to have EVERYTHING in writing or it is not there according to the courts. If you have it very detailed to times, days, and how exactly things should happen and she doesnt follow through then you can go back on contempt of court but it has to be clear.

Good luck!

[GADAD2004]

OK,
All those things sound really good! Thank you.  So lets say she doesn't follow through on things, what happens then?  Can I bring her back to court?  Can I take custody of the kids?  Can she ask for everything to be modified?  I have agreed with all of you, the deal doesn't sound very good and not much thought has been put into it.  We need more detail, and I need more time with my kids.  Keep the ideas coming.
THANK YOU ALL!!

[ocean]

HI,
If it is in your papers and she doesn't follow it then you can bring her back to court for "contempt of court" where she would have to give her reasons why she is not following the court order. This takes weeks to get into to court and then months sometimes to get a decision. Family court if VERYYYYYY slow.

Both of you at anytime can ask for a modification BUT you need to prove why it needs to change (loss of job, different school hours, father lives closer, mother is moving...)

Once custody is given to her, you will not get it back unless you prove neglect and CPS is involved. It is VERY VERY hard to change custody.

[GADAD2004]

Hi All,
OK, with what all of you have said, here is what I think I need to do:

1.  Get more then what she is asking
2.  Make sure its all in writing
3.  Be as specific as possible
4.  Set myself up better down the road for custody

If not, fight and roll the dice.  Right??  Keep up the ideas so I can talk with my lawyer tomorrow.  ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN SO GREAT AND SUPPORTIVE!!  THANK YOU

[ocean]

The only way you will get custody is if you win now...once it in on paper that she has primary custody you are done. Sorry but true..now..as for custody..there are two types..

Sole custody and Joint Custody- You want Joint custody, that gives you equal rights regarding medical decisions, school choices, legal things. This does NOT mean you have equal parenting time just making major decisions. Sole means she makes all decisions,

Then..
Someone is named Custodial Parent- That is where the child lives more than half time and will go to school.
Other parent is the Non-Custodial Parent- Visiting parent...
In some places they do give out joint physical placement but you would have to move to NJ and ask for HALF the time.

That is why all the other things below mean so much. If she gets named custodial parent there is no changing that unless there is neglect..which is very hard to prove. Once she is named CP then you need to follow whatever schedule you have in place.

Also, you may not get to keep the case by you...I am not sure but others can answer this...once she is with child up in NJ she can ask for the case to be moved to her homestate. Some people have gotten it written that the case will stay in original state until both parents move out of that state. This is good so you can keep things close to you if things go wrong.

[Kalkir]

Most states will take jurisdiction once residency of the child has been established in their state for 6 months and any action in a different state is completed (eg a final order).

[Davy]

Let's cut to the chase.  Since the mother crossed state lines she has "dirty hands" and the children have unofficially been kidnapped.  A parent that takes such action thus keeping the child(ren) from a relationship with the other parent and is an abusive parent.  Statistically, children that find themselves in this condition are, and should be considered at risk or endangered either in the present or in the future.  Your  GA Attorney / court may (it appears) desire to treat your case as if the parties lived across town from each other so it is easier for them to maintain the status quo and even some posters may want to post likewise. 

Since a parent has abscounded with the children to a different state your case and arguments take on a different light and it is dead serious because the children are at great risk of their father becoming seriously disenfranchised from them in the future.  The statues you should soon become familiar with are the UCCJA and PKPA along with the criminal code for being denied access to your children.  All documented in the articles section of this site.  These statues have governed interstate custody disputes for a very long time and there are many reasons there statues exists and did not just pop up out of nowhere. Generally speaking it is becasuse children are at such risk.  These statues are relevant irregardless of marriage between the parents and there certainly is no emphasis whatsoever on the timeliness of seeking return of the children.  Conversely, it will/should be looked upon as positive that you attempted the return of the children without court intervention.  By the way, Ga will commonly remain the home state as long as the left-behind parent remains living there (ie contempt motions, etc).  A change just does not  occur after 6 months and is very winnable if you fight it (More $$).

Unfortunately, don't expect either state to order the children return.  Sorry !!  But they might or would if the father were the abscounding parent.  Your basically involved in an unusually long battle no matter what.  Do practically anything to get the kids back in GA.

I may have missed it.  Are there currently any court orders pertaining to the either party ??
One would assume yes at this point.

[ocean]

Davy you are right except he did not file right away. He went to NJ to try to work it out then came back after a while.
If he filed right away then he would of had a fighting chance...