Ex offered son college or cash- now, 1 month before classes, he says.....

[United]

Hello all you wise parents,

I have an odd one for you ......In the begining of the year, my ex sent me an email asking me what I would be able to contribute to our sons college education.   I replied that I had saved up about 5k, but that was all the cash I had for college.  However, I also stated that I would continue to provide all our sons medical, dental and auto insurance; clothing; food; gas.  Our son is 18 now and goes back and forth as he pleases.

My ex then had a face to face discussion with ds and offered him 100k for college or a start up company.  He was trying to get him to do the start up, but after weighing all his options our son decided on college.  He applied, was accepted.  We all toured the school, and he signed up for his classes.  I sent the first years payment on the dorm out of the 5k.  Now, one month before school starts his dad sits down with our son and says that due to the fact that he was required to pay me child support all these years, he feels that I should have more to contribute than 5k.  He feels it is only "fair" that I pay half (even though I provide all the living expenses as listed above).  He wrote out a much exagerated list of CS payments that he had made and showed our son, claiming he is an adult now "and needs to know these things".  Son said he felt his dad was tryinig to make him feel guilty or feel sorry for him.  Ex then told him was no longer offering him 100k, and now unless he can get me to pay half, he will not pay for his college.  Son was placed in an impossible middle position with college hanging over his head unless he could get me to "find the money".  Ex then sent me an email stating that unless I paid half I don't care about our sons education.

Our son is crushed and I am just shocked he would do this - especially a month before classes begin. I feel like he's using our sons college as a ransom of sorts and it doesn't sit well with me. 

Any advise before I have to respond to his demand?   Thanks!!!

[MixedBag]

Tell your son that one way or another, you will support him as much as YOU can, and dad should support him as much as DAD can.

To connect the dots is not fair to any one of you.

If your son is that old, he sees and understands the truth about what's going on......believe me.

My girls dad ousts himself like that all the time.

If I contribute say $500, then he says "I'll match your mom" -- vs. "THIS" is what I can do.   And yes, they vent away to me.....so I say "take it up with your dad"

[ocean]

I understand dad said he would pay but legally he does not have to (unless you are in the few states that court orders it). Many people work full-time and go to school full-time. If the college is expensive, have him go part-time and work and maybe next semester he can go full time. He can switch schools to a community college and stay home to save money. Your son knows you are doing whatever you can for him and he will need to deal with his father if he wants help from him. That really should be between them since he now is 18.

[Momfortwo]

What state are you in?  In NJ, child support continues through college AND both parents are ordered to pay a  portion of it.

If you don't live in a state that has support through college, there's not much you can do. 

Your ex is being a manipulative jerk and is probably destroying his relationship with your child.  Which is his prerogative. 

In the meantime, your son should look into financial aid. 

[United]

What state are you in?  In NJ, child support continues through college AND both parents are ordered to pay a  portion of it.

If you don't live in a state that has support through college, there's not much you can do. 

Your ex is being a manipulative jerk and is probably destroying his relationship with your child.  Which is his prerogative. 

In the meantime, your son should look into financial aid. 

Thanks for the feedback.  Unfortunately, we're in California.  I understand he isn't required to pay.  I just wish he wouldn't have promised the boy if he didn't plan on going through with it. 

I think my ex has this vision of me sitting on a pile of gold coins, just rolling in it.  Like I was financially able to take his CS checks and not use any of it for living expenses all these years.  Didn't happen.  I used that money appropriately though, for food and shelter and what the boys needed along the way.  And I'm proud to say I did'n't nickel and dime him at all.  I never went asked him for an increase in 15 years.  Silly me, I thought I was being civilized and helping the co-parenting relationship.  Apparently, he has resentment anyway.  Go figure.  Just wish it didn't effect the boys.

[United]

If your son is that old, he sees and understands the truth about what's going on......believe me.

I think this is true, but he is still able to make them feel bad for him..  To get them to "parent" him, if you will.  It makes me sad. 

Thanks for the input.

[United]

Your son knows you are doing whatever you can for him and he will need to deal with his father if he wants help from him. That really should be between them since he now is 18.

This is true.  I guess I just need to let him deal with it all.  I have always tried to keep him from feeling in the middle. 

Thanks for the input.

[Momfortwo]

I think this is true, but he is still able to make them feel bad for him..  To get them to "parent" him, if you will.  It makes me sad. 

Thanks for the input.

That will change as they get older and more emotionally mature.   

[Davy]

I have some different views.  I had two sons in college at the same time.  In the beginning I explained to them about college life, their responsibility to education vs athletics, student loans, housing, etc,etc,etc.  In other words I continued to coach responsibilities as young men and moreover the effects on achieving goals.  Yhey planned their own curriculums

They both worked their way thru college and when they graduated they had skill sets beyond their college years and ZERO student loans.  I was very much in the background and stayed there.  They liked it that way and they even did not like to ask for financial help.  If I sensed they were might be having trouble paying for books or tuition I was there as a helping hand only.  I might say here you can put this towards books or whatever.  No big deal was ever made of it.  They were appreciative and thankful and always gently expressed thanks but never once let you think they were entitled in any way.

They both had start-up companys that were succcessful because they had to be.  There grades were good to excellent and one was a deans list student and student leader on campus of sorts...mostly because he was on campus for so long.  He liked the college life to the point he didn't take time to graduate until he came up against the "slacker law" ... meant for students that continue to attend with financial aid and after so man credit hours thae had to pay out-of-state tuition.  So he decided to graduate. And he could care less about the ceremony. 

The older son had spoke to his mother about helping with out-of-state tuition at a private college.  She never provided any financial or moral support over many years.  She offered him a full ride along with a sports car convertible ONLY in her state.  He came home (very upset ) after on semester because she refused to pay the 3K she committed to him.

Please consider this post and don't treat him like a boy..he's a man now or will quickly become one.

[MixedBag]

Hey, if you're in California and paying for college is a challenge -- why not ask your child to go to the 2-year junior colleges there first and then transfer to the 4-year institution.

I was stationed near Sacramento, CA (geez, I'm NOT saying how far back that was!), but Consumnes, American River, and that third one there were CHEAP to the point where it was a bad choice NOT to take advantage of their classes.

Just a thought....