new & looking for input

[Lollipoppa]

Hello:


I just finally signed into this list to try & get some information. As probably many others here, I'm in a bad situation right now that I am trying to figure out how to get out of.


Not married, have one child that is about 19 months old, and a relationship that has failed about 1 yr ago. From the information that I have gathered already, my next step


is to find an attorney. I want to keep my child in my house and be the primary caretaker! It seems like everyone I've talked to about this so far tells me its just about impossible,
so I'm trying to figure out how to change that, or hear something different. Living in fear and being taken advantage of is making me sick, and wearing me down, so I need out.


I'm located in Oakland county, SE Michigan if it makes any difference. Looking for advice, info or support groups, and somewhere I can get some questions answered.


My fear is starting something, and ending up losing the child to a violent mother, and have her ending up the same as her, her older daughter from another failed marriage.

[superdad01]

Is the child still in your house? Depends on a number of variables. Has mother filed for childsupport? Document everthing. Attempt to work out agreement with the mom. The bottom line to get anywhere you have to prove you are the better parent.... Which is pretty hard.  The thing with attorney's is to not throw your money away. YOu can waste a lot of money in lawyer fees.  If you have no idea on how the system works I reccomend you do some research.

[MomofTwo]

1) Are you the mother or father?

2) Has paternity ever legally been established?

3) Is the child still in your home? Is the other parent?

4) If not, how long has the child been gone and do you have any kind of relationship at all with the child?

5) Do you see the child or spend any time with the child? How often? ...

Need much more detail regarding the current situation.

[Lollipoppa]

I am the father, child is still here, as well as the mother. 
paternity is established, my name is on the BC, although that doesn't count for much. 
I spend a lot more time with the child then the mother, I do a lot more of the required work for the child then the mother.  Diapers, making food, breakfast, lunch, dinner, getting dressed, bathing, taking and picking up from daycare, taking to park, to play, etc...

Mother has not filed anything, doesn't know I am going this far, so trying to learn what I can and then go for it, once it starts, things are going to get very ugly here. 

[MrCustodyCoach]

While you still may have time, you should get a paternity test done to make absolutely sure you are the father.  For some inexplicable reason, there is a time limit by which you need to make a case for non-paternity if that is the case.  There is almost no reason for you not to do this and time is possibly running out for you.

[mdegol]

I am from Michigan originally (exact same area). Paternity laws are weird in Michigan. You need to consult a lawyer familiar with paternity (not divorce, treated differently and I don't know any, the one I was using retired). You will need solid evidence for violence, drug abuse things like that... Female custody rates in Michigan are very high.  There are some laws that are anti-unmarried father. In some ways, you are better off if you were married with Mom. That offers you more legal protections in Michigan. Not to scare you, but you need to know what you are up against. So you need a good paternity lawyer.

You need a DNA test. Birth certificate is not good enough. If you do not have this filed with court, you are currently a legal stranger to the child. I would settle that with Mom before doing the whole "break up" thing. I mean, you just want to be the child's father officially. It will put you in a better position later and in general. I would say that you need a strategy. Make your moves very carefully.

Also, and this is just general advice, have you tried counseling? Other relationship fixers? If you make relationship work, you are certain to be with her every day and influence her upbringing. Custody fights are really exhausting and destructive. Of course, I do not know your situation.

PS-I think time limit applies to married men, who have raised child as their own.

[snowrose]

Lollipoppa, does it matter to you if the child turns out to not be your bio-child?  I know men who have gotten custody and continued with being the 'father' of a child even when they are not the bio-father.  It's called a de facto adoption. (I'm not trying to sway you.  I'm asking about how the child makes you feel.)

[MrCustodyCoach]

PS-I think time limit applies to married men, who have raised child as their own.

It's not.  The mother could just put any man's name on the birth certificate - that person will be on the hook for child support while having little to no rights to be a parent to the child.  The state will go after any "named" father.

My suggestion, though - is made in the event he wants to be the father.  He should know that the child is his, regardless, unless he feels better off not knowing and raising the child no matter what his paternity.  And if he doesn't want to be financially responsible - he needs to find out if the child is his.  Nothing "bad" will result for the man in this situation from finding out.

If he has any custody time at all with the child now, he can arrange for a paternity test on his own.  He doesn't need an attorney to make that happen.

[snowrose]

Nothing "bad" will result for the man in this situation from finding out.

Legally, no.  But emotionally... that depends on the person.

[MrCustodyCoach]

Legally, no.  But emotionally... that depends on the person.

That can be gotten over.  It's far worse to be financially responsible for 18+ years for a child who is not biologically yours.

Best know now than find out later, as there is almost never any recourse for paternity fraud.