He said - She said

[gemini3]

Background:  husband and his ex divorced after her 2nd affair.  This 2nd affair was with his best friend.  Upon seperating ex moved in with husbands friend, and now they are married.  So my husbands ex-best friend is now his children's step-father.  (Oh, the tangled webs we weave...)

Up to this point, whenever the kids ask why they got divorced, my husband has always gone with the generic "mommy and daddy were fighting a lot and couldn't stay married".  He felt that it was best not to involve the children and, since the oldest was old enough at the time of seperation to remember what happened, figured they would come to their own conclusions when they were old enough.  A few months ago he was riding in the car with the kids and a couple of their friends, and one of their friends said something to the effect of "Mr _______, you're so nice.  I don't know why Ms _____ ever divorced you."  (Her parents were getting seperated at the time, so I guess she was thinking a lot about that sort of thing.)  Before my husband could say anything his oldest says "It's because mom ran off with ______."  My husband was shocked, and just didn't say anything, and that was the end of it,

Since then his oldest has been asking pretty regularly why they got divorced.  Because of her age, and the fact that she's been getting the same answer every time,  we think that she knows what's up and is either looking for confirmation or needs to talk about it.  We also don't like being put in a position to have to lie to cover up someone else's bad behavior.  We believe in honesty and being truthful.  So my husband decided to tell her the truth.  He didn't villify his ex, he just said that her mom and the friend decided they wanted to be together, so mom and dad couldn't be married anymore, and that's why they are divorced and mom and friend are married now.  He told her that it was something that happened between him and her mom, and that it didn't change how much her mom loved her.  She said that she thought her mom was a hypocrite because her mom always says that you shouldn't cheat, and my husband said that sometimes people realize after they've done something that it wasn't the right thing to do, so her mom isn't necessarily a hypocrite.   

(Mind you, we have had massive problems with ex and alienation, and we do think she's a lying hypocrite, but the kids don't need to know that.  He was trying his best to protect her relationship with her mom without lying.)

So, of course, she goes back and confronts her mother with it.  Mom, instead of handling it like a grown up and talking honestly to her daughter, proceeds to tell her daughter that her father lied, and that the "real" reason they got divorced is because my husband used to "beat her".  Step-daughter is now here for the summer, and she just told me this.  She said she was "so confused because she doesn't know who to believe".  I just told her that when I am trying to work through a problem I look at the facts and use deductive reasoning.  I told her to think about any times where she's seen her dad hit her mom (none), or her dad has hit her (none), or that she's seen her dad hit me or anyone else (none).  Then I asked her to think about whether her mom and dad and step-dad used to be friends (yes), and where did she and her mom live when her mom and dad got seperated (with the friend), and did her mom and the friend sleep in the same bed (yes), did they act like boyfriend and girlfriend - kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc. (yes), and are they married now (yes).  After we did that I told her that I thought she had enough facts to make her own decision, and that she didn't have to worry about believing mom or dad, that she could believe herself and what she thinks about what happened.

Of course, my husband and I expected that the ex would somehow try to blame the situation on someone else, but we didn't expect that she would stoop to this.  Although we should have, since she has a history of false allegations.  My husband feels like he should have told them the truth from the start so we wouldn't have this situation now.

I'm wondering if we did the right thing, or if we should have handled it differently.  I'm sure that other people out there have dealt with this sort of thing before, and I am just wondering how you handled it and what the outcome was.

[Kitty C.]

Personally, I think you and your DH handled it as well as could be expected, for your situation and family dynamics.  I don't necessarily feel that the kids should have been told from the start, as I agree with you in that they should only have as much information as they can handle for their age and maturity.  You don't say how old the the oldest child is, but it seems to me that the timing was just right in her ability to absorb the information and figure it out for herself.

One thing I will certainly say in your defense is that you and your DH have obviously taught her well.  Otherwise, she wouldn't have come to you after getting the convoluted lies from the BM, keeping it to herself and possibly acting out in your home because of her confusion.  Thank God she came back to you and told you how confused she was because of what BM said, which gave you the opportunity to help her figure out for herself what the truth is.  That's huge and no doubt something she will end up using frequently to weed out the flak from BM.  It also means that she trusts you explicitly and will come to you again if she runs into the same situation and needs help figuring it out.

[snowrose]

I think you did an excellent job!!

[MixedBag]

I too think you did a good job.

I would tell my girls -- "Well, what do you think?"

And let them draw their own conclusions based on what they saw.