A question about having a death in the family....

[gamecock99]

My ex has custody of our 21 month old daughter and I have visitations.  She is not very easy to deal with and I'm not sure how to approach her in this situation.  My grandfather passed away this morning and I feel that I should inform my ex that this has happened since he was our daughter's great grandfather.  My daughter had only been around him on 3 or 4 occasions so she did not really know him.  My grandfather had been in the hospital for about 4 months fighting illness and during this time, I was battling with my ex in court for visitation rights.  What I am unsure about is if I should mention to my ex that my grandmother has said that it would really mean a lot to her if my daughter could be around some during this time.  I don't feel that she should necessarily attend the funeral being that she may be too young, but I don't feel it's unreasonable to want her to spend a little time with the family.  So, should I simply inform my ex that our daughter's great grandfather has passed and see if she asks about any details of services or anything and leave it at that?  Or should I just come straight out and tell her that my grandmother has requested that our daughter spend a little time with her and the family?

[brwneyedmom]

ask straight up for what you would like to happen.  Negotiate after that.  If you don't make your needs known, she shouldn't have to be a mind reader or to guess.  Just let her know that it's the living relatives who would like to see the newest generation and derive comfort from life going on.   


edited to add that I am sorry for your loss.  I hope that you and your family find peace from a life well lived.  When my father died, I was astounded at the stories that people told me about him.  So keep your ears open for things that you can learn about him as a young man.

[armycoppertop]

I agree with the PP... Tell BM about the death and say point blank, "Grandmother has asked if you would be willing to allow DD to spend some time with the family, it would be nice to have her around, even though she didn't get to see Grandpa too many times. I don't feel she should attend the funeral itself, but spending time at home with everyone would be soothing to the family."

My DH had that problem, although SD did know DH's grandfather very well (frequent visits). DH was not able to be there when his grandfather died (active duty military, 1,000 miles away), and he was not able to inform SD (then 7) of his death because everytime he was supposed to call on BM's phone to tell her, BM was off doing something else or driving, so DH had to tell SD when BM brought her to the wake. But DH was able to get SD for the weekend before he had to get back to post at the end of his emergency leave.