wife part time alchoholic how do I get custody?

[jeepin00787]

like all people my story is probably very long, but i will try to cut it down.

We live in Florida. Daughter 13, Son 11 I am on birth certs werent married at the time but are married now.

When our daughter was born I learned that I had been dating an alchoholic. Essentially I stopped all the partying but she kept right on going. I guess I'm a bit thick headed, as I didnt really think it was a problem. She doesnt get drunk that often, but when she does wow. She'll clean out everything there is to drink.

I have never wanted to take my children from her, as she is a good parent. She just has this problem with drinking. I have tried getting her to quit and trust me i have tried some very awful stuff, like telling the place she buys from to stop. It has come to the point in life that the children know exactly what is going on and dont want to be around it anymore. When she drinks the three of us leave the house until we know its okay to go home. She doesnt get physical, but she does get very evil with her words towards me. Repeats herself over and over, trips over everything and even burns herself on the stove.

Bad things I have done. Well in 2001 when I really started waking up, I came online to get help. well that led to me having "online" relations with someone. I am not sure what the courts would consider this? To her I cheated and am a horrible person, she will never forgive me. I know it was wrong, but I was very lonely.

I have some video tape of her being very drunk. One is extremely disturbing as the children were young and we came home and she was passed out. My son started screaming because he thought something was wrong with her. That is when I started teaching them about her problem.

People tell me I'm an idiot for staying this long and putting my children through this. Well this is how I see it, now when she drinks I have control and can take the children and leave. Its not that often, sometimes she can go 3 to 6 months without drinking. Sometimes she drinks every 3 days for a month. very sporatic. Well if we divorce and we share custody then what happens if she gets drunk on her days and something happens to the children? How do I forgive myself for leaving them in that situation?

Is there a way to ensure I get full custody? I really dont know what to do, but we cant handle it anymore. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you and have a wonderful day.

Oh there are no SPARC atty's near me.

[redbabyblue70]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that you and your children are in this situation.  You indicated that you have done some awful stuff to get her to stop.  Unfortunately, none of it will work if she doesn't want to stop.  She has to wake up and smell the coffee on her own.  Have you located an Alnon group in your area?  It may help you and your children. 

Unfortunately, there is no way to guarantee that you will end up with sole custody of your children.  Your affair has more to do with a divorce situation then it does with custody- as far as I am aware of- understand, I am by no means an attorney- just speaking from my life experiences.  You may want to contact an attorney, to see what your options are.  You definitely have to put your children first.  Seeing their mom this way is definitely going to affect them.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[Momfortwo]

First of all, there is no such thing as a part-time alcoholic.  Either one is an alcoholic or they are not. 

Alcoholics can have dry spells where they don't drink.  But that doesn't change the fact that they are an alcohlic.

As for what to do with your kids, unless you can prove that she is an alcoholic and does drink around them, there's not much you can do.  Any DUI's?  Those could help your case.

Have you left the kids alone with her at anytime after you realized she was an alcoholic?  If so, you are going to have an even harder time proving your argument. 

As for the video, well, just how do you prove that she was drunk and not just acting silly?  You can't. 

If I were in your shoes, I would stick it out for another 7 years.  It's the only way to somewhat protect your kids. 

[Mom0f3]

WOW...this sounds all to well like my CHILDHOOD to me.  Coming from the childs point of view, let me explain what I went through.  I will say mine seems to be a little more bad off than yours at this point.  My Mother and Father had both drank when I was really little, once my Father noticed how bad my Mother was with her drinking, like you it was time for him to stop and be the better adult in the issue.  My Mother drank daily, plain vodka (big bottles).  It was so bad that every weekend I would go down the street to my Grandmother and Grandfathers to spend the night and when I was in the third grade my MOTHER was the one who started to have relationships with another man.  The sad part, my Mother took me with her and my Father had to come get me some 3 hours away because she sent me with my Great Grandmother and Great Uncle and would not give me back to my Father. 

The friend that drove my Father to get me in the middle of the night told my Father then that it would be best to file for divorce and take me with him.  My Father didn't do it because he was affraid I would have wanted to be with my Mother, sorry excuse but understandable in a man's point of view.  So my Father took her back and we continued to deal with her constant drinking.  My Mother went to all kinds of programs, one that was even two hours away in another city.  None of them worked.  My Mother then started to get worse.  She would drink more, leave her bottles all over the house (which caused my cat to get drunk and have to be detoxed), hide the vodka in sprite cans and bottles, carry it everywhere with her, hide it in spice containers (my Father drilled holes in the bottom of them), pass out in the middle of the store or anywhere at home (to the point you could mess with her and she not even know it, have it on video), steal from me and others, and so on and so on.

It wasn't until my 2nd year of high school my Father started to take her to court.  There were oders of protection (got us sent to be on Jodge Joe Brown, talk about humiliation), constant letting her back through the door (very stupid of him), the divorce (custody went to my Father, and so on.

Sure I just told you some of what all happened but maybe you should talk to your kids about the issue which I wish my Father would have done with me sooner than so late into my childhood.  I would have backed him all the way on the divorce cause there was so much more going on and I didn't need to be in any of the mess.  The drinking can become worse and it's best to walk away before any of that happens.  This is just from my point of view as a CHILD in somewhat the same problem.

[Kitty C.]

One thing to keep in mind.........if you take the kids to her and she is obviously drunk (she smells and/or acts that way), do NOT leave the kids with her, no matter how loud she screams.  And if she threatens to call the cops, let her.  They wouldn't let her have the kids while she's inebriated any more than you will.

But if you ever leave the kids with her (and you know or have a strong suspicion that she is drunk) and something happens........she drives drunk and/or has an accident while they are in the vehicle.....and it is found out that you left the kids with her knowing she was that way, YOU can be accused of neglect or endangerment.  Don't go there.

I also recommend Al-Anon, for both you and your kids (Alateen for them).  Gather as much documentation as possible on her drinking habits and episodes.  And do whatever you can to get a modification of custody.  There's no way to know how that will turn out, whether you'd get sole custody or she is ordered to have supervised visitation, but whatever it takes to keep those children safe.

DS's dad was an alcoholic and I know that he drove drunk with DS when he was a baby...I couldn't prove it, long story.  DS'S dad had severe family history of alcoholism.  DH is a recovering alcoholic and that's where I learned about Al-Anon.  And I'm an EMT-B...I've seen the damage that can be done by drunk drivers.  This is not something to mess or hope it goes away.  Your children are depending on YOU to keep them safe.....do whatever it takes to make that happen.

[CuriousMom]

I agree with Kitty - if you don't do something about it NOW.  You stand the chance that she does hurt the children while under the influence and  you're much better safe than sorry.  File now and do attend meetings, they do help - you're not alone.

My ex-fiance had an alcohol and drug (pills) problem - his mother was a RAGING alcoholic and his dad would pop any pill for any reason.  He went to meetings and I went along for support.  He also sought counseling / therapy and it helped him understand that although his parents chose to do the things they did, he didn't have to follow the same path and could rise above it.  I'll never forget the therapist telling him he's a product of parents....that's all I heard when he decided it was okay for him to drink heavily.

I could no longer endure the situation and left the relationship. 

[ocean]

Not sure if you heard but we just had a case here in NY. A mother drank and killed herself and a few kids in her car, plus others in the other car. Her HUSBAND has CPS called on him and they did an investigation to make sure he did not know she was drunk that morning. Husband had to prove he was not near her all morning.

If you know she is a drinker and not doing anything you can be arrested and charged. If you do get a lawyer, have him look at the NY case. He can use that in your defense...

In the meantime, take more pics and video, gather evidence. Next time she is drunk, call police, file report. Get temporary custody of kids. You can ask for a law guardian for kids and they will see what the kids want and have witnessed. She has an addiction that she is does not want to give up yet...you cant force someone to get help.

[Kitty C.]

Great point, ocean!!!!!!!  We certainly heard of the case here in the Midwest.

[MomofTwo]

1) You are not qualified to make the diagnosis that she is an alcoholic.

2) You "realized" she was alcholic 13 years ago, after the birth of your daughter, but you had another child with her and have been with her 13 years? and NOW you want to use this against her?

3) Someone who doesn't drink/get drunk often is NOT an alcoholic. 

Quite simply put, nothing you have said is going to be a reason for Mom not to have shared custody, which is the norm in FL. You aren't going to cut her out of their lives, and you are not going  to get sole custody, not with anything you have mentioned. 

[Davy]

My three children could imitate their bed-ridden, pill-popping, drunken maternal grandmother
when they were much younger than your children.  Your proof is in the pudding.  Unless the judge is a drunk or a mother of two you should easily be able to restrain the mother in the family environment. 

Think of it this way.  You and the children, with the help of the court system, could very well be the catalyst it takes to encourage her recovery.  In other words, you and the kids would be doing an honorable thing with a possible positive impact and outcome. 

Whatever, do not let her put you on a guilt trip or insinuate that you are the cause of the problems or her problems.  She will blame everybody else in order not to deal with her own problem.