False Accusations, how common?

[Desperate in NC]

My son is involved in a heated custody battle over my grandson, Tim.  His ex-wife, Cruella, and he were both active duty military when Tim was born.  At Cruella's insistence, I flew to where they were stationed at the time to be an advocate for Cruella in the final month ofher pregnancy.  I am a retired mid-wife and Cruella was insistent that the military doctors who were attending her were not only incompetent but "out to get her".  When I arrived, it soon became apparent that she was suffering from mental illness.  She was hearing voices and seeing things that no one else saw.  When she went into labor, these symptoms increased.  Immediately following the delivery by c-section, Cruella emerged from the O.R. insisting that her baby had died, she had died with him and a male relative that had been dead for years had come to take her to the "other world".   

In the days following the birth, Cruella refused to nurse Tim in spite of the fact that he had been born with an infection around his heart and his doctor insisted that breast milk could well mean the difference between recovery and death.  She did not care for the baby in spite of my urgings and those of her doctors and her husband.  My son became the care taker of their child.  When Tim was not quite 19 months old, Cruella insisted that my son agree to an "open marriage" leaving her open to have sexual relations with other men and women as she insisted that she was bi-sexual.  When my son refused, she had an affair with aman who infected her with a venereal disease at which time she began insisting that they divorce.

Joe agreed and they separated sharing custody of Tim on paper.  In reality, she passed that responsibility off to my son more often than not.   At this point, the US Army was pressuring Joe to re-enlist.  Concerned for his son, Joe refused.  To increase the pressure on him to re-enlist, the Army told Joe he would be deployed to Iraq if he did not.  Convinced that he was soon to be deployed and because Cruella was newly on meds and behaving more rationally, Joe agreed to have Cruella take custody of Tim as she was returning to the States following being medically discharged from the US Army on what used to be called a section eight, a medical discharge owing to a diagnosis of mental illness rendering the individual permanently unable to fulfill their military duties.  Cruella returned home and moved in with her uncle in early 2005.  In February, she came for a visit to North Carolina where my husband and I live.  During her visit with us in February, she told us stories of ill treatment and out right dishonesty on the part of her uncle.  She told us that she had money, $21,000 received in a settlement from the Army when she left service and that her money was in an account shared with her uncle and his wife.  Cruella told us that Uncle Willie and his wife were stealing her money, picking on her and being unreasonable in their demands of her while she was living with them.  She also told us that our son was a "dead beat dad" and that he had not paid her child support in months.

We were surprised to hear her accuse our son but as we had not lived with or near him for nearly 11 years, we were not sure what to believe.  We bought her and Tim clothes and paid for all her expenses while she was here including her plane fare to get here.  At the end of the month, she returned to heruncle's house.  The day following her return, she called me here insisting that she could no longer stay where she was because her uncle was abusive and violent.  In the background on the phone we could hear Tim screaming.  We paid for yet another set of tickets for them to come here and she and Tim moved in with us.  That was the beginning of a nightmare from which we have still to wake.
 
After less than two months, Cruella moved out of our house into government subsidized housing and left Tim here for an additional six months seeing him on average 30 minutes to an hour a week.  She then moved him in with her to avoid losing custody but only kept him with her two or three nights a week.  The rest of the time, he was with us.  Our son got out of the Army in the summer of 2006.  In November of 2007, a judge awarded full custody of Tim to Cruella because he was totally taken in by her "I'm an abuse victim" act but stated that the best thing in the child's life was the relationship he had with his grandparents.  He sited that relationship as a reason forhaving Cruella retain custody.  Our son lives and works in Washington, D.C. and we live in North Carolina as do Cruella and Tim.  The judge said if Tim went to live with his father, he would never see his grandparents again.  He dealt with the issue of Cruella's mental illness by saying that she was in therapy and valiantly trying to get better.  He only had one negative thing to say about Cruella.   She was in the habit of leaving him covered in fecal matter as she had an aversion to dealing with properly cleaning him after toileting.  We were able to prove that she left him in this condition by producing clothing stiff with fecal matter that had been taken off him when he arrived at our house filthy dirty.  Enraged by the accusation that she was less than a perfect mother, she began telling all and sundry that rather than cleaning the fecal matter off the child, I was sexually abusing him.  Two separate judges have ruled that there is no substance to the accusations.  Even DSS investigated and agreed that I had not abused Tim.   

That has done nothing tostop Cruella from repeating the story across the length and breadth of the small North Carolina town where we live.  She has also used the accusation of sexual abuse along withother accusations to obstruct visitation for my son.  She has falsely accused my son twice to twodifferent magistrates in two different locations, one here in our home town and the other in Roanoke, Virginia where they met to exchange custody of Tim.  In both cases she was duly sworn and lied not only about her allegations but also about my son's address.  Because she gave a bogus address, the summons to court was never received by my son and he did not appear on the assigned court date.  When he did not show up, a warrant was issued for his arrest immediately following which, Cruella lured him to an arrest with a promise of visitation.

Now, my son has been told that if he is arrested again, he will lose his job.  We are at our wit's end.  Joe can have no meaningful relationship with his son.  We are allowed no contact with Tim because Cruella has forbidden it and though the judge's order specifies that it is important to Tim's well being, he did not order visitation for us.  We have had three different attorneys in this ugly four year saga and still do not have any resolution or hope for any.  We have spent in excess of $60,000 in legal fees and are, in spite of making good money, completely tapped out.  We just don't know what to do now or where to turn.  Suggestions would be welcome.

[MrCustodyCoach]

False accusations are probably the TOP weapon used in a high-conflict custody and divorce proceeding.  The restraining order abuse is the easiest tool to obtain to force a parent, usually the father, out of the home, out the children's lives (on a temporary to permanent basis), and is what drives high-conflict litigation.