bad situation. very confused.

[lostandlonely]

ok so i will try and make this as short and simple as possible.
ive never been in this situation before so i would like help and hopefully not a lot of criticism.

first and foremost, my bf is STILL legally married. the divorce is NOT final.
hes only been married a year and a half and has a 6 month old daughter with his wife. they have been have problems since before his daughter was born and his wife has been out of the house since shortly after his daughter was born. he just recently filed the divorce papers and got this whole thing started. the wife knows about me (hates me, but rightly stated) and ive been by his side the whole time. it has not been easy for him, nor for me, but thats besides the point, all i want to do is help him.
so, i was wondering if i can get some advice for his sake. his wife goes back and forth on wanting him back and "hating" him and wanting him back and so on. when she wants him back his options to see his daughter are open, but when she hates him, she prevents him from seeing his daughter, although they have NO temporary custody arrangements. she claims that his daughter cannot go to his house or sleep over until she is old enough to talk, i dont know why, but thats what she claims. or she says if he wants to be with me then he can forget about his daughter, which i understand why she would feel that way, but is not fair for HIM and HIS DAUGHTER. all of the times she prevents him from seeing her ive told him to log so that when they do go court he has proof that he has tried to see his daughter on however many occasions and shes prevented him.
she also frequently sends him threatening messages, of wishing he was dead and things of those sorts, which ive also suggested he log for when they do to court.
i do not live with my him, nor have i ever met his daughter do to his wifes wishes. although, he is trying to get me to move in with him to help him and support him with everything, because as of now i am living out of state.

i just need help, for me and for him. i have never been in a situation like this before and just need a little advice, and like i said id appreciate not being criticized for the decisions ive made and am making.

thank you.

[lostandlonely]

please someone say something

[Giggles]

My best advice is to leave him be until the divorce is final and custody/visitation is in place.  Also, consider long and hard about getting involved with someone who is going to face this kind of opposition for the next 17 and 1/2 years....that's a LOOONG time.

I'm a "step-Mom" of a nearly 17 y/o SS.  He's a great kid and I love him with all my heart.  It kills me to see the torture my DH goes through on a daily basis because of a VINDICTIVE BM who uses her son as a tool to "get back at" my DH for going on with his life.

BUT....if you must "help" then my best advice is for him to get a really good Father's Rights attorney.  Make sure to get a detailed and specific Parenting plan (preferably 50/50) that spells out everything from now until the baby graduates from HS.  Make sure it addresses "Move Aways", Transportation, Right to first refusal, Telephone calls, etc.  Just remember that if it isn't specific it isn't enforceable.

Good luck!

[tigger]

The best thing you can do for him is to give him time and space to get this done.  His wife is very hurt.  There's nothing worse than betrayal.  It destroys trust and self esteem.  It destroyed the wife's view of her husband.  From her viewpoint (because the wound is so fresh and painful), why would she want a man who will teach his daughter that it's okay for her husband to break his vow and break her heart and treat her like crap?  (Her being the daughter.  I realize she's an infant but she will find out.  Kids always do and not usually from the parents.  I found out about my birth mother's affair when I was 18 from her sister.  I was 3 when it happened.  I knew about my dad's affair (on my stepmother) while it was happening (I was 16) and it knocked him off the pedestal and I admired him no more.  Took years before I trusted him and truly adored him again.  My sons have found out about their father's affair . . . from where, I'm not sure 'cause I haven't said anything to them or in front of them.  They were 2 and 7 when it happened and the paramour was my best friend . . . . and became his wife 2 weeks after the divorce.  Doesn't take a rocket scientist to put things together.)  Divorce is hard enough when there isn't an affair.  (I'm not judging you, I'm just stating things as I see them.)   From her viewpoint, she has lost confidence in his very character.  She sees you as the enemy who wishes to destroy her family and take what's rightfully hers . . .  her husband, her child.  Having said all that:

1) Give him the advice that Giggles gave you.  Document, find a lawyer if he's not willing to work on the marriage (by the way, she's going back and forth between wanting him back and not because of the strong torrent of emotions evoked by having been betrayed.  Doesn't make her behavior right but does explain it.) 

2) Step away.  He needs to do whatever he's going to do without outside influence.  He needs to focus on himself and his daughter.  Divorce hurts because it's a failure (even if someone is leaving an abusive spouse, it feels like a failure because you couldn't make it work), it takes time to get over that.  He can't focus on himself and his daughter if he's trying to make you happy too.  Also, it'll make his wife easier for him to deal with.  He can always come back to you once things are settled.

Think long and hard about continuing a relationship with this man.  For two reasons, 1) Giggles is right to an extent.  This may just be a knee jerk reaction to the affair and destruction of her marriage.  The wife may heal and not continue this behavior.  On the other hand, she may never recover from it and hate you and him with a passion and use her daughter to hurt him as much as she's been hurt.  No way of telling right now because it's too soon to know.  2) He's cheated with you, he's likely to cheat on you.  My ex married his paramour, the "love of his life" two weeks after the divorce.  While she was pregnant not 4 months later, he was seen with a blond in the next town.  There were several others but people finally quit telling me about them when I would tell them that he's no longer cheating on me, it's not my problem.  As long as he's not taking them around the boys, I could care less what he does.  My point is that it's too soon to tell if he'll be as true to you as he's been to his wife.  You need to take some time and take care of yourself as well.  An affair doesn't only destroy the self esteem and confidence of the wife, it affects the paramour as well.  Build yourself up and evaluate what you want out of life and what your beliefs are.  You deserve more than to be someone's back up plan and to be hated by his wife.  You deserve the best.  Is this really the best?

[eagleeyefam]

I've been where you are. It's so easy to get emotionally involved with the situation becasue you can see the torment and anguish this causes your bf. As a good good person you want to help in any way that you can. Doing that will destroy you emotionally.

It's not easy to walk away either. It's recommended at this point form people who have walked that same path. I recommend running far far away from this mess. But if you chose to stay and help then this is what you can advise your bf....

Document EVERYTHING> phone call times, text messages, emails, visits, conversations. It's tedious but DO IT.

Find a good family attorney to get orders set asap for custody time.

STAY OUT OF IT!!! That means you DO NOT go to any court hearings they have. Don't go to exchanges, don't commmunicate with the BM at all. Leave it to them. When your bf has his visit times then that's his time to have you involved.

Be there emotionally for your bf. let himcry on your shoulder. Don't trash talk to BM. Don't tell him your opinion of her.

Your bf will get the divorce order that will probably grant him every other weekend and that's it. He will also get ordered child support. Be ready to deal with that.

Don't get too involved. You can easily guide your bf to the legal help he needs. This sight is good for that.

[tigger]

eagleeye is right.  One of the smartest things my ex did (though it wasn't his idea) was to keep the paramour away from the boys and myself until we had been separated for a year.  (Actually took 18 months to get the divorce.)  His parents weren't happy about the situation and overheard me when I told him that she shouldn't be around the boys for a while so they could digest the loss of the marriage and then the addition of "Mommy's best friend is with Daddy" separately.  His parents told him that as long as he was married to me, she should not be anywhere near the kids.  We had been separated for 14 months (and he had been living with her for 10) when he asked if he could please include her.  I had forgotten about the rule by then and hadn't realized he was still abiding by it.  They didn't have overnights with him until after we were divorced (his decision) so that part of it wasn't a concern.  A side effect of this arrangement was that it allowed me to focus on myself and the boys without feeling threatened by an outsider.  (Side note to those who know my situation:  This was before I knew she was crazy and obsessed with replacing me.  She kept low key for about 4 years and has been ramping it up since.  If she were normal, we'd probably get along fine but since she's crazy . . .)

[lostandlonely]

thank you everyone for all your comments. id like to clarify a few things, not that it will make the situation any different, just a little add on. i understand he is still married and hes with me and that constitutes as cheating, but nothing came of us until after she moved out, we were only work acquaintances, as we worked in a large company and did not know each other well at all. we have not been dating very long, since she only moved out about six months ago.
i do my best to stay out of it, as i do not give my opinion of her and have told him to do whatever he has to do, its noy MY divorce and i understand that completely. i am not in her place nor have i ever been in her place but i do understand which is why i respect all of her wishes. she has said she doesnt want me seeing their daughter and i respect that to the fullest extent.
the only way i want to get involved is to find him the right help for HIM and HIS DAUGHTER in regards to visitation and things like that because he feels like he is lost and alone with the situation. its hard to see him (well hear him, since i cant see him because im in another state) upset and torn about what to do and with no help at all.
we are both young (early twenties) and money is an issue as far as attorneys go. ive tried looking online for legal help or attorneys with payments plans or anything along that line and i havent found much for him.

any added advice would be greatly appreciated and i feel a little better now from your comments, so thank you very much.

[tigger]

Thanks for the clarification.  From your point of view (and probably his) the marriage was over and therefore you didn't break it up when you became involved.  However, from hers, you are interfering.  (Not saying that you are, just from her point of view).  If he's already involved with someone else, there's not much hope of him working on the marriage and it's ending on a bad note. 

The rest of the advice still stands as far as there being the potential of her being vindictive for the next 18+ years.  Ask any second wife if they knew then what they know now, would they still have married their husband.  If the answer is no, it's most likely because of the crazy, vindictive, angry ex-wife.  Even if the kids are difficult, it's most likely due to the influence of the crazy, vindictive, angry ex-wife. 

Just something to think about.

[lostandlonely]

Thank you so much for all your advice Tigger. i completely understand where youre coming from with every aspect. this has really helped a lot! i should be prepared for a lot of drama in the future haha.
if there are any updates ill post :]

[tigger]

There are many second wives here who met their husbands well after the separation or even after the divorce was final who are viewed by the ex wife as the cause of the divorce.  They were no where near the situation but they carry that accusation anyway.  Your only hope is that she's rational and returns to that state as she heals from this loss.  (And divorce is a loss no matter what the cause.  Even if it were initially her decision, there's still a loss.)