Newbie, worried about father trying to take custody

[scaredsinglemom]

Hello,

I am a 25 year old single mother, and have been the only active parent to my daughter since conception.  I had origionally baddly wanted my daughters father to be moer of a part of things, but after so long an absence of effort o his part I am really put off of the idea when he actually does bother to visit or contact her.  Of course I alwyas encourage it and knowint is the absolute best thing for my daughter, but even then is is seldom really about her so much as getting my goat or flexing his rights as a father even as he primarily does not care to use them.

My big concern is that his parents are heavily involved in his decision making proccess, they where the ones to originally decide he would stay where he was when I was pregnant, they pay for his visits to her and suggest when those should be, they gave him several books she was born about how to obtain custody of your child as a father and how to discredit a mother in court to win custody, and how to be an urban single dad, etc.  They are both lawyers themselves, and head over heals for their granddaughter, and I am afraid they will decide what is for the best NOW  (as they are frequently intrusive becasuse it's "best") will be for daughter to go and live with her father and for court action to be taken.

I had terrible postpartum depression and her father and I where romantically involved at that time, and to say the least it was not a good situation for my mental health.  I have NO intention to bring up the mental abuse, which was  reallyvery severe, incourt as it does not pertain to my daughter, just o myself, and I don't want to be unfair to him or to his rights, and I know that bringing something like that out eoul really hurt my daughter later, especially if her grandparents wanted to tell it differently and make her feel like she lost her father in her life becasue I said something about it.  ANd I'm comfortable with not saying anything, it's my hurdle now.  BUT, I reacted to the abuse and postpartum togeather very poorly when we broke up and sent many hostile angry or scared e-mails to him.  My biggest fear is that he wants to exploit that time to obtain custody and I don't know how to go about defending myself against something like that.  It was really bad, but I have a therapist and am quite frankly a steller mother and have doen it all on my own save for the one month I stayed iwth him.   i'm so afraid this is going to come back to haunt me and cost me custody if he decides that is what to do, and the fact is he simply isn't fit to have a child, he's abusive to romantic partners, an alcoholic, and despite his age, not really an independant adult.  

When I first got here it suggested I post my problem here, so here it is.   THnk you in advance sorry it is so long.

Oh, some stats too:  in January we are going to court to establish child support and visitation--he lives in NY and I am in IN.  He is absolutely wonderful in the area of child support, only arged about it once when intoxicated (though for an audiance, which is the sort of thing I worry about: it's as if he is building up a case against me socially already?  The truth is I wasn't talking about child support at the time and he yelled autibly "I'm not ginving you any more money!").  TO date no visits have bene denied to him at all, ever, though one was from his parents (they where coming to minitor me, and I said that they could not come to visit daughter in that fashion, monitering would be welcome by an apropriate neutral party like a cop or social worker only--they could only visit if it was about daughter soley), and so he too declined, but came a couple of weeks later and was very good and kind and agreeable.  He has signed an affidavid of paternaty, and we are just now establishing that in court.

Again, thanks in advance!

[scaredsinglemom]

I wanted to mention too that my daughter is 18 months old, and that her father is a 24 year old.  He has a better education than I do, graduated from a very fancy college, I am a droppout of community college.  His family is very wealthy and mine is not.  I am worried about these things coupled with my ranting at him and losing it on him when I had postpartum depression all working against me in court if he desides to dispute the state guidelines and ask for more time or to obtain custody.

[Brent]

>i'm so afraid this is going to come back to haunt me
>and cost me custody if he decides that is what to do,
>and the fact is he simply isn't fit to have a child,

So...he was good enough to sleep with, good enough to get pregnant by, and good enough to have a child with, but suddenly he isn't fit to care for his own child?


>I have a therapist and am quite frankly a steller mother

Many lawyers would have a field day with that sentence. It's great you think so highly of your parenting skills, but others may not.

I have a news flash for you: you can't deny him the right to participate in raising his child. Having a uterus DOESN'T automatically make you the "owner" of this child, and I find your single-minded assertion that he's "unfit" to be a little too self-serving for my taste. Neither of you are perfect.

I'd suggest you seek a shared parenting solution, or you may end up with no custody at all. Would that be fair? Of course not, and it's not fair to him either. Think of your child, and realize that he or she has TWO parents, not one parent and one visitor.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi, a few questions before I reply.

What is the current parenting arrangement... i.e., days/times/travel?

What arrangement do you think is best for the child?

Finally, if you were once living together, how did it come to be that there is now so much distance between you two?

I'll also adjust your language.  This isn't about your rights or his rights (i.e., regardless of whether you or he use those words).  It's about what's best for the child, and that's what the judge will primarily want to support.

[scaredsinglemom]

So...he was good enough to sleep with, good enough to get pregnant by, and good enough to have a child with, but suddenly he isn't fit to care for his own child?

Actually, as clearly stated, I BEGGED him to be a father, to write, to actively participate, to not remain drunk while visiting.  

I have never nor would I ever want to stop him from seeing his daughter, by and large HE is only interested in the sort of abusive and malicious entitlement battles that I see here, not actually taking on any resoponsabilities.  I did not ask for bitter insult here, I asked if anyone knew if he could use my postpartum depression to completely take custody from me to let his parents raise my child if they so wish.  

I AM a stellar mother, and it IS great, especially with malicious and verbally cruel people attacking me when i reach out for help.

I will certainly not respond to this site, I didn't know it was a fathers as victims only forum.

[scaredsinglemom]

We are going by the IN state guidelines, or so I hope, where distance is a deciding factor.  He can visit whenever he wants to, and when she is older I will want the alcohol problem addressed so that she can go via airplane and spend every thanksgiving and every other Christmas with him.  Until then it is recommended and I agree that he visit her here and build up familiarity with many short visits whenever he can.  We have nothing established as far as a schedual yet, which iis why it is going to court.  He refususe to make specific plans and feels I am controling him and his rights if I ask him to so I need the courts to just lay it down.

It would not be in her best interests to have custody turned over to him, he is not a fit parent at this time, just a notch above a SD.  He is strongly focusede on his rights, not on anything else, which is where I am concerned.  I need his focus to be on what is best for her, but he primarily wants what his parents want and to feel in control.  My daughters every need is met here, she barely knows them, I seldom drink, do not smoke, it is a nice home, she has personal relationships with people here, and he is always encouraged to take part, that is a major priority.

[scaredsinglemom]

Also, we wher enot living togeather, he asked me to come stay with him durring the postpartum depression so that he could help and we could reconcile.  I was scared and postpartum is difficult, and it seemed like a good idea.  It was heavily abusive for me mentally, and made it difficult to care for my daughter who he threatened to smoke while holding (she was not yet a year then) if I did not get over a panic attack so he could go out with friends (I ws there becasue i was having a lot of panic attacks and needed the physical help).  He would not watch her alone, he was often drunk, and I left within a month when it was too hard on me to care for her with the abuse.  It was not a permanent situation, we where never married, we where just an ex couple giving it a second go, and then he becasem abusive which was effecting my ability to raise my daughter to the best of my abilities and he refused to help.

[scaredsinglemom]

I have a news flash for you: you can't deny him the right to participate in raising his child. Having a uterus DOESN'T automatically make you the "owner" of this child, and I find your single-minded assertion that he's "unfit" to be a little too self-serving for my taste.

He is a raging alcoholic who has dropped her several times, who is completley reliant on his parents for every opinion or financial whatnot, and it is a completley known fact ot all involved that he did not want any involvement with our daughter, they threatened to financially cut him off if he didn't.  Then he warmed up to the idea, but for the most part refususes to visit unless they buy him a ticket and tell him to, he filed a false police report that she was in danger because he was angry at me and a police officer came and it would be very unsettling to her if she where older and he did this sort of thing.

That;s not my uterous, those are the facts.  You seem to have a real stability problem and a really sick and frightening victim mentality.  He WOULD NOT help, I BEGGED him to.  If in your taste an alcoholic abuser who refuses to have almost anything to do with his child unless at his parents request is fit, your tastes are pretty sick, buddy.  The uterous doesn't make it my automaticly make me an owner, nothing makes one a childs owner.  Being the only parent willing to actively and constanly be a part of my childs life, more or less AT ALL does make me the parent who is more fit than the one who refusus to./  YOU seem to be the one singularly focussed on my sex here, just becasue i have a Uterus does not make me a bad parent, just becasue I want the best for my daughter does not make me a vicous control freak.

[DecentDad]

But how much time has the child been with the dad?

[scaredsinglemom]

One other thing, I do want to stress that I think he has a lot to offer our daughter in many areas, he is very smart, fun, and loving with her.  I just don'tthink he is in a place now with his drinking and his abusiveness that he sould be fullt iming it now, and also know that is not his interest.  My big concern is his parents sort of calling the shots, he more playes the role of their representitive than the father, they call the shots.  I am just worried that they will tell him that he should have costody and that would be the best thing, and he will agree.  He is in many ways dependant on them and they have offered several times when not at all nessaccary to "help" by taking daughter so that the two of us can meet our life goals, and also found other excuses to suggest I sign temporary custody over not to him but to them.  THey are intrusive and they pretty much control his end of things and it scares me becasue they want ehr and they know I would not give her up but that he would.  They too are alcoholics, and a child should not be raised by her grandparents when she has a fully fit and loving and safe home with one of her parents.