Newbie, worried about father trying to take custody

[CustodyIQ]

Okay, here's what I'd suggest, to help the court.

1. Ask the court to order both parents to complete a parenting class of X duration within 6 months. This means you too, but by asking for such orders, you're making it easier for the court. You're not singling out either parent.

2. Completely drop the mental abuse angle. If you want to make mental issues a concern here, the other side is going to describe your panic attacks, seeming paranoia, need for treatment, instability, etc. They're probably going to do that anyway, and you claiming to be an emotionally abused victim (for a few weeks) won't help you at all.

3. Ask the court to order psychological and custody evaluations for each parent. The outcome will settle the psych matter once and for all. If you're stable, you have nothing to worry about. If you need help, this process will point you in that direction.  Similarly, if the father has alcohol or anger problems, the evaluation process should flush that out too.

4. In court, propose a parenting schedule to the court that is reasonable for the child given the age and distance. You and the father have done an awful thing, putting so much distance between parents of such a youngster. The child will inevitably travel to the father's home (perhaps not immediately, but certainly within a year or two). Sucks for the child.

5. I strongly suggest that you offer an alternate parenting plan that gives the father much more frequency and duration of parenting time in the event that he moves within 10 miles of you. This would be ideal for the child, and the reason the dad would do it is to be a dad.

Finally, I suggest you get a book like "Child Custody A to Z - Building Your Case with Evidence." I describe it on my website.

You have no clear idea what is relevant or irrelevant in this, and you need to know that.

It's possible that during the few weeks you lived with the father, you were a raving lunatic due to your mental state at the time, you two had a newborn to deal with, and the father drank and yelled in response to all that going on. Who knows.

It's quite possible that you two only saw the worst of each other during those few weeks you were together.  It was a horrible circumstance, very stressful for both of you, and extremely short-lived.  I don't think it's fair for either of you to really judge each other by anything but the most extreme of behaviors that may have happened then.  Let it die.

Anyway, you're very reasonable in your desire to have some sort of known parenting schedule-- and the court will help you establish that. It's just up to you to prove in court that the schedule you want is what's best for the child (and the father will try to do the same).

[scaredsinglemom]

1 and a half weeks when she was born, 5 days when she was three months old, 9 days last Christmas, 19 days in april and a few weekends here and there, I think 4.  This was just the time span we where in the same space, about half of these days he was out on social  calls, and the time over christmas and when she was three months we where lal at his parents home and he was mostly working on things around the house for them while they where with her.  He has developed a relationship with her to that degree, and I would love more of one.  My concern here is having my daughter taken from me.

[CustodyIQ]

From an outsider's perspective...


His parents are all evil and calculating, and now all three of them are alcoholics.

While this MAY be true - against all odds - I've got to say that you sound hyper-dramatic and very paranoid with such descriptions.  Meaning... you are demonstrating exactly what they'll be accusing you of.

The court will probably conclude the same about your rantings, unless you provide sound evidence.

Build your case on evidence.  It's not enough to use adjectives and accusations.

Read a couple books about child custody.

[scaredsinglemom]

Actually, the mental abuse went on for many months durring my postpartum experiance and it is being treated as post traumatic stress and severe phsychological abuse.  it is very real and should never be discreditied.  I am still recovering from it, but luckily got out.  I am glad to know it will not be relevent, and what you describe as "stark raving lunatic" behavior would most likely be the very text-book apropriate description of any postpartum depression, it is charactorized with tempermental outbursts, paranoia, insecurity, moodswings, etc.

No one can make another person drink.  He has always been an alcoholic, and we have lived togeather for 7 months previous to my having a child.  I just need it addressed for the matter of my childs safety, alcoholism cannot be ignored when a child is to be in an alcoholics care, period.

[CustodyIQ]

>what you describe as "stark raving lunatic"
>behavior would most likely be the very text-book apropriate
>description of any postpartum depression, it is charactorized
>with tempermental outbursts, paranoia, insecurity, moodswings,
>etc.


And my point is... if I was living with someone who exhibited those symptoms, it's quite probable that I'd think she was unstable, and it's quite possible that I'd probably yell back mean things from time to time.  That's especially if I didn't have years of a relationship under my belt to know that her behavior wasn't the norm.

Alcoholism is extremely relevant to a custody decision, sure.  You need to PROVE it in court... I'm trying to emphasize the words "prove" and "evidence", as those things are critical.

If you PROVE in court that he has a drinking problem, the judge will agree with you that the dad needs to get his act together.

Many people get psychologically abused as bad marriages / partnerships turn into divorce/separation.

I'm warning you that if the father goes for custody, he's probably going to be arguing the mental instability thing.  The way you write comes across (to me) as very dramatic, possibly paranoid person.  I'm not a psychologist or a judge.  

You've claimed PTSD, post-partum depression, and severe psychological abuse.  It's all POSSIBLE to be within the norm of a healthy parent, but I'm saying that it can raise eyebrows.

I'm just a guy who's been reading through 9 sentences of drama for every true fact that I'm trying to discern in response to your request for for suggestions.  And with every new post, there's new dramatic claims.

Take it or leave it.  If you want to defend against everything, then just do that.

[Brent]

>Actually, as clearly stated, I BEGGED him to be a father, to
>write, to actively participate, to not remain drunk while
>visiting.  

Did he suddenly become an alcoholic, or was this typical behavior for him before you had a child?


>I have never nor would I ever want to stop him from seeing his
>daughter,

That's NOT what I get from your post. I see, as others have, a very dramatic tone to your story, and to me it seems as though there are control issues here as well.


>I did not ask for bitter insult here

If you think THAT is a "bitter insult", you have no idea.



>I AM a stellar mother, and it IS great, especially with
>malicious and verbally cruel people attacking me when i reach
>out for help.

Oh, boo hoo. Grow up. We have only your word for this, and you'll just have to pardon us if we don't immediately buy everything you say as the unadulterated truth.


>I will certainly not respond to this site, I didn't know it
>was a fathers as victims only forum.

Ahh, I see. If everyone doesn't rush to your aid and take your side of the story without question, then they're bad, evil people and you're a victim. Have I got that right?  If we dare to question your motives or choices, then we're automatically defending the father?

I have to tell you- if this is the way you respond to people in real life, you're in for a hell of a ride, and it won't necessarily go your way. I'm sorry if you find the truth to be hard to take, or if any questioning or criticism of you instantly brands an entire website as "evil". That's just stupid.

Your first post talks about you being worried that he'll "take" custody from you- as if it's your god-given right to have custody, no questions asked! And you can't even see it, can you? You feel as though you *deserve* custody and that no other outcome is allowable. It's parents like you that give sites like this a reason to exist.

[Brent]

>You've claimed PTSD, post-partum depression, and severe
>psychological abuse.  It's all POSSIBLE to be within the norm
>of a healthy parent, but I'm saying that it can raise
>eyebrows.

And this is no doubt all on the record in medical records, treatment records etc.

In spite of that, she feels she deserves custody no matter what. She admits suffering from PTSD, post-partum depression, and severe psychological abuse, and that's "okay". No barrier to being a parent....but he drinks "too much" and so *that* should be the "Kiss Of Death" where custody is concerned. Frankly I feel sorry for this kid no matter who ends up with him/her. And like you, I'm getting a Drama Queen overdose from what she writes. She is unable to see that there are two side to every story. Rarely does Innocent Little Bo Peep marry Ghengis Kahn without realizing it.

[Brent]

>He is absolutely wonderful in the area of child support,
>only arged about it once when intoxicated (though for
>an audiance, which is the sort of thing I worry about:

And of cource CHILD SUPPORT is the most important thing in the world to you, as you've made very, very clear. He's a good father because he is "absolutely wonderful in the area of child support".

Yeah, I think we know where your priorities and values are concentrated. And that's sickening, frankly. What if he had said this about you?

Sorry, the more I read of your "story" the more I realize that you're a controlling person with an agenda.

[CustodyIQ]

>Rarely does Innocent Little Bo Peep marry Ghengis Kahn without realizing it.

Well, in my case, Prince Charming had a child with the Wicked Witch of the West (regardless of what the evaluator concluded).

:)

[scaredsinglemom]

This has been a degrading and isulting experiance for me, I will not return.

And you, sir, are clearly a very ill person.  You are aggressive and frightening even online.  


Blanket statements and cruel words feel nice? No.  You are mentally unbballanced and vicious.  It disgusts me.


Now, educate yourselves before belittling people, are you just woman haters or what!?  Well, one less person to seek help here, that clearly isnot the purpous of this site, to judege, scrutinize, call people (who are NOT) liers.  Mob mentality with abosultely no knowlege under your belts.  I am sickened.

********************************************************
Abusers often use other people to do their dirty work for them. These
- sometimes unwitting - accomplices belong to three groups:

I. The abuser's social milieu

Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies –
co-opt other family members, friends, and colleagues into aiding and
abetting their abusive conduct. In extreme cases, the victim is held
"hostage" - isolated and with little or no access to funds or
transportation. Often, the couple's children are used as bargaining
chips or leverage. Ambient abuse by the abuser's clan, kin, kith, and
village or neighborhood is rampant.

II. The victim's social milieu

Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to
the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the
abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a
plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor.
Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand
and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge
of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient,
abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and
suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the
conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties
abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense,
assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as
aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.

III. The System

The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors,
mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He
uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her
sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children.

Forms of Abuse by Proxy

Socially isolating and excluding the victim by discrediting her
through a campaign of malicious rumors.

Harassing the victim by using others to stalk her or by charging her
with offenses she did not commit.

Provoking the victim into aggressive or even antisocial conduct by
having others threaten her or her loved ones.

Colluding with others to render the victim dependent on the abuser.

But, by far, her children are the abuser's greatest source of leverage
over his abused spouse or mate.

(continued)

The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them
to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate
his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g.,
grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting -
offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs
the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props
unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and,
typically, irreversible) emotional hurt.

Co-opting

Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies –
co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct.
The couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. They
are instructed and encouraged by the abuser to shun the victim,
criticize and disagree with her, withhold their love or affection, and
inflict on her various forms of ambient abuse.

As I wrote in Abuse by Proxy:

"Even the victim's (children) are amenable to the considerable charm,
persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his
impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of
the events and interprets them to his favor. The victims are often on
the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable,
impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and
suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the
conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties
abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense,
assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as
aggression, lability, or a mental health problem."

This is especially true with young - and, therefore vulnerable -
offspring, particularly if they live with the abuser. They are
frequently emotionally blackmailed by him ("If you want daddy to love
you, do this or refrain from doing that"). They lack life experience
and adult defenses against manipulation. They may be dependent on the
abuser economically and they always resent the abused for breaking up
the family, for being unable to fully cater to their needs (she has to
work for a living), and for "cheating" on her ex with a new boyfriend
or husband.

Co-opting The System

The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors,
mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He
uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her
sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children. The
abuser seeks custody to pain his ex and punish her.

Threatening

Abusers are insatiable and vindictive. They always feel deprived and
unfairly treated. Some of them are paranoid and sadistic. If they fail
to manipulate their common children into abandoning the other parent,
they begin treat the kids as enemies. They are not above threatening
the children, abducting them, abusing them (sexually, physically, or
psychologically), or even outright harming them - in order to get back
at the erstwhile partner or in order to make her do something.

Most victims attempt to present to their children a "balanced" picture
of the relationship and of the abusive spouse. In a vain attempt to
avoid the notorious (and controversial) Parental Alienation Syndrome
(PAS), they do not besmirch the abusive parent and, on the contrary,
encourage the semblance of a normal, functional, liaison. This is the
wrong approach. Not only is it counterproductive - it sometimes proves
outright dangerous.