Will it stop?

[Kitty C.]

PERFECT..............thanks, 4honor.

[Gestalt]

I just want to remind that the set visitation is "at least a week per month".....it's different than just giving sm a weekend here or there while mom gets a break.

[4honor]

Gestalt > No reminder needed. I understood that it was for "at least a week every month."
And I never said anything about this being for the benefit of the mother, but alluded instead to avoid a detriment to this 3 yo child.
Wanna bet whether BF has talked to DD about him being gone and how she can talk to him from his house? That child is gonna freak if she cannot go to BF's house while he is gone and talk with her Daddy.  (My kids benefitted greatly by seeing their dad over the internet while he was in Iraq. Skype was very helpful in keeping our costs down.)

[Momfortwo]

So you're saying that the step-mother is overstepping her boundaries because she is not telling her husband what he should do regarding the children?  What?  That doesn't make any sense.

You're also saying that step-parents should tell their spouses that they don't want to spend time with their kids when they're not around?  That's ridiculous.  Doing that basically means that blended families will never be a real family, and the step-parent will always be an outsider.  Very unhealthy.

You're basically insinuating that an "evil step-mother" is behind all of this - and that the father couldn't possibly want his child to maintain contact with his side of the family while he's deployed.  He's only doing it because his "evil wife" is standing behind him wringing her hands and making him.

It's his parenting time - he should be able to do what he wants with it.  Including let the child visit with other members of his family.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles and the step-parent.

No, I am not insinuating anything about the stepmother.

All I said was that the stepmother could put a stop to his actions by simply stating that if he's not available, the child should be with the other parent. 

The keyword here is HIS parenting time.  He's not available.  So the child should be with the other PARENT.   And the other parent is not the stepparent. 

What's unhealthy is for a child to be away from BOTH parents for a long period of time.  In this case, the deployment is going to be for 4 months.  The child should be with his mother while the father is deployed.  This way, he is with at least ONE parent instead of away from both of them. 

Personally, if my kids had a stepmother and my ex were away for an extended period of time, I would let my kids see the stepmother, she just wouldn't get my ex's entire parenting time.  Why?  Because she is not the parent and is not entitled to my ex's parenting time.  It is also better for a child to be with a parent over a stepparent. 

[Kitty C.]

Give it a rest................no one is saying that the stepmother should have all of the father's parenting time while he's gone.  What we ARE saying is that to cut the child off completely from the father's family while he's gone would be extremely detrimental to the child, especially given the circumstances that the father is in.

Which is why if they cannot come to an agreement on an improvised visitation schedule while he's gone, then the only resort is court.  And given that the father is being deployed, that won't happen quickly enough.  So if the father is requesting that the child spend all his parenting time with the stepmother and his extended family, but the mother doesn't want the child to go at all, then a compromise would be to have the child spend at least part of the visitation time with the stepmother and extended family.  It's called compromise and negotiation...........same thing that's always done in custody disputes.

The OP asked for advice on how to handle it..........this is it.  Compromise.  Don't cut off the child completely from her father's family.  At her age, she will not understand it and by spending some time with his family, she just might get to see and talk to him if the opportunity arises.  But also given the situation, she probably shouldn't spend the entire ordered time (1 week a month) with her father's family.  Personally, if it were me, I would still allow some time with father's family, if for nothing else but to give the child some continuity.  But it would need to be monitored carefully to see how she handles it, give that father will not be there.

Anybody else got any better 'ideas', other than just projecting opinion?  In other words, what can be done instead of what can't be done.......?

[rjmurdock]

  I would like to add especially in a situation where the step parent has been involved since birth. That a child as young as three sees themselves as having three parents. I know my stepson does. Many of these post are referring to step parents as lesser parents and although legally they are to many of us step mothers four months away from my SS would be just as bad as four months away from my biological children and vice versa it would be detremental to my SS not to have parenting time with me as well. As step parents many of us form mother child bonds with our step children and is upsetting to know that if something were to happen like a situation like this it becomes too bad for stepmom your relationship with the child doesn't matter or is not as important. It all of a sudden doesn't matter that you got up in the middle of the night to calm the infant or helped with potty training or helped them become the children they are because biologically they are not yours.

[snowrose]

If you are worried about it setting a precident, then write him a letter stating:
"The manner in which you communicated your desire for no change in DD's schedule while you are deployed was  (fill in the blank -- condescending, irritating, irrational, whatever). Even giving you the benefit of the doubt, it came across as controlling and demanding. I was at first inclined to refuse.
However, after careful consideration of what is truly in DD's best interests for this temporary period, I suggest DD's schedule be (fill in the blank) which will allow for continued contact with your wife and extended family and provide the best opportunity for DD to speak to you while you are away.  Just to be clear, if I had not felt this was what is best for DD, I would not have backed down from my previous stance. I am not afraid to fight for her, but would prefer we not to fight over her.
In the future I would appreciate it if you communicate in a business-like manner and treat me with at least the same respect with which you might treat any stranger. I will attempt to offer you that same courtesy."

Excellent!  Thank you for considering the child first.

[bluecat]

Well, I'm surprised at all the responses that my original post has received.  I've tried to read everything to understand all the different points of view on such a sensitive topic.  I, the CP, have tried to encourage a healthy relationship with the Step Mom (SM), NCP and myself.  I have never refused to allow contact with the child.  At this point the child is not aware of the NCP deploying, so does not have the feelings that her father is in any danger.  I do not express any ill feeling about the father in front of the child, because it is not the child's fault that we can't get along.  I have offered to have the SM still visit on a modified schedule, but this offer was refused.  I am not being vindictive and have not said i wouldn't allow any communication with the NCP's side of the family, however, I have not even been asked what I would willingly to do.  The request is either all or he will take me to court.  The NCP is vindictive in the way is has chosen to handle every issue that he decides to bring up.  It's always been I have to agree or he's going to take me to court.  He has constantly changed his own requests even after I had thought we had come to some kind of agreement.  I do not want my child to feel that she cannot talk to me about her father or anything else, I want her to be able to speak to me about any concerns and always try to answer or explain in such a way that makes sure she is happy.  I'm very aware that allot of people do not act in such a way and put their dislike of the other parent first, but I do not.  I have always tried to separate my personal feelings about the father from any decision i need to make.  The SM is not the one fighting the issue, it's the NCP.  I know how the constant back and forth travelling affects my child but cannot seem to convince the NCP that this situation has any effect at all on her.  Unfortunately, even when i try to discuss our views on a particular issue and how to handle it.  The NCP will take the opposite approach even after we agreed on something.  I'm not absolutely sure how the SM views everything that is going on, but for the NCP it is more about getting his way.  I have no reason to not help facilitate a relationship with his side of the family, but I'm also her mother and am trying to raise her and give her some kind of stability.  I'm the one who has to constantly reassure her that she's going to be coming home and that she's not going anywhere for a while.  As she get's older I can then explain more how things are, meaning, why is she going back and forth.  And I don't intend on explaining it in any way that would cause her any kind of stress or guilt, or that she had to choose between anyone.  My child's happiness is most important and a break from travelling everywhere, which is what they do, would be good for her.  I at no time said i wouldn't allow anyone to see or talk to her.  She's still young and still needs a mother's reassurance.  If a mother wasn't important then god wouldn't have set the world up this way.  I feel a step mom is a "mom" by the title given, meaning, a step mom is not the BM.  However, step parents are important figures in a step child's life.  They are like a mother, providing love and guidance to the step child.  But children still see the Father and the Mother as their parents.  There are situations when a child no longer identifies a SP as such, because the BP is not acting as such, and then the child identifies the SP as the real parent.  The NCP is not my ex and I do not have any issues with the SM and their relationship. It's the father that I have a problem with because he opposes everything I say or do.  Even when I tried to include him in a decision, I would tell him how I felt about it and like most people, they would tell you how they felt and then discuss it.  Instead of talking, he said I was controlling everything and dictating how I wanted him to do it.  Even a simple guideline as to her daily schedule was taken as a demand as to what he had to do, not that it was a simple guideline and if say she became fussy around a certain time it meant she was probably tired.  It has been like that for just about everything.  You know, I don't even know what she gets for christmas or her birthday...they won't tell me and nothing comes home with her.  She shouldn't have to live two completely seperate lives, but the only thing at this point that I feel I can do is answer her questions and talk about her father and SM in a positive way.

I've tried to address comments made and want to say that I am not trying to do anything other than what's best for my child. 
 

[ocean]

You can explain to her that she has two houses...her mothers and her fathers. As a SM, I take care of the skids as my own when they were here. I am the one to cook, make them take baths/showers, dress, and do the daily activities. Is there any way you can talk to the SM if she willing to? (since she will be taking care of her)  For a year I talked to the BM instead of my husband because we talked out things smoother. You could always beat him to it and file a modification for when ex is deployed. YOu can say.."mother is willing do go to half way point once weekend a month for child to see fathers family while he is deployed. When father returns, it will resume the normal schedule. The weekend will occur on the first weekend of the month from fri at xx to sun xx. Fathers family is welcome to visit anytime with 2 days notice in home town"

[bluecat]

Thank you for your advice ocean, it seems it's too late, he's already filed a motion.  He was unwilling to comprimise on an alternate schedule even though he told his lawyer i flatly refused (which I did not).  I don't think I can speak to the SM because he is very controlling and she would ultimately follow what he wanted.  The Ffather and SM live over 5 hours aways and his family lives a few states away and the SM's family lives a few states away.  The request is for the SM to have visitation, but to have her family and his family visit.