Will it stop?

[ocean]

Call his lawyer (spend his money...LOL) and offer the one weekend...that the bio parents have rights first and you are willing for them to see her but not at the same level as the father had. And of course it would go back once he returns...

[Kitty C.]

Can you remind me when he will actually be deployed?  This thread has gotten so long I'm not sure I can find the information if it's here.  the reason I ask is because if it's within the next couple months, he may just be shooting himself in the foot, because I doubt the courts would work quickly enough to get this resolved before he leaves.

I agree with ocean......contact his atty. and make an offer...at least to show that you are willing to make a compromise and to work this out without going to court.

One suggestion I would make.........if, for whatever reason, this is not resolved before he leaves, contact the SM after he's deployed and offer her some kind of schedule.  I think you might find that after your ex is gone, you and the SM should be able to work something out temporarily, especially if we're talking about over the holidays.  Your daughter will be excited about seeing them then, I am sure.

Sure would like to be a fly on the wall when his atty. finds out that his client lied to him.....

[bluecat]

He's leaving very, very soon.  He's petitioning for special circumstances and will testify by phone or something like that.  We both still have council and his attorney probably won't speak to me.  The ink isn't even dry on the consent order.

[snowrose]

You know, I don't even know what she gets for christmas or her birthday...they won't tell me and nothing comes home with her.

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I'm a little confused.  Why would you think that gifts they give her should go back to your home?  And why should they tell you what they bought her?  Those are items for the child while she's in their home, aren't they?

I mean, in a few years she'll be able to tell you on her own what she got from them.  But at this point the child's father isn't obligated to tell you what he bought her for her birthday.

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In the best possible world, she wouldn't have to.  But in this imperfect world where you're not a couple with her father this is what life has given her.  She'll survive and possibly even blossom, as long as both sides treat her well.

[bluecat]

Snowrose,  I can see your confusion.  I didn't include my reasons for making such a statement.  No, I don't think they should have to tell me, but I asked to share in teh excitement.  And no, I don't think the gifts should have to come home with her.  However, I ask out of excitement, to share something that is important to our child.  Furthermore, the NCP says he want a coparenting relationship and that he wants to know everything about what's going on in our child's life. It's a contridiction on his part to want me to share everything with him and nothing with me.  It's more about communication and sharing to better know what's going on with our child.  Like being able to say, "You got a such and such, how cool is that...I bet you were excited..."  Recently, was our child able to take something from our house to his...who is that benefiting and why does it matter to the NCP?  I would ask all those who read my posts keep in mind that my situation is not like everyone else's.  Nor is anyone else's like everyone else.  I'm not explaining anyone else's situation but my own.

About your statment regarding that their gift's were bought to be at their house.  It's not about their house, it's about the gift was bought to be enjoyed by the child.  And whatever joy that child has is to be for the child and the parent's to witness.  If a child can't take their gift where they want to, then is it really theirs?  Not in the child's eyes.  I've seen this first hand with many children and it's about the parents who put such a restriction on a child and a parent who does that are the one's drawing aline between each parent.  Things that seem small to a parent make a big statement to a child.

[gemini3]

At this point the child is not aware of the NCP deploying, so does not have the feelings that her father is in any danger.

How will you explain to your child why she isn't seeing her father and step-mother for four months?

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I do not want my child to feel that she cannot talk to me about her father or anything else, I want her to be able to speak to me about any concerns and always try to answer or explain in such a way that makes sure she is happy.

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I'm confused about what this has to do with the issue at hand.  Does the NCP try to tell you not to say certain things to the child?  What kinds of things?

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I know how the constant back and forth travelling affects my child but cannot seem to convince the NCP that this situation has any effect at all on her.

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So is the issue that you don't want the child to spend time with the SM, or that you think the travel is too much on your child and see this as an opportunity to give her a break?

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I have no reason to not help facilitate a relationship with his side of the family, but I'm also her mother and am trying to raise her and give her some kind of stability.  I'm the one who has to constantly reassure her that she's going to be coming home and that she's not going anywhere for a while.

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If your child is feeling stress about not knowing what her schedule is, you can help her by getting a calendar and noting the days that she will be going to visit her dad.  Show her how to read the calendar, and how to count the days.  This will give her a tool to comfort herself.  She can see when she'll be leaving and when she'll be coming back.

Usually it isn't the traveling that is hard on them - it's not knowing when you're going to be where.  To a child "awhile" could mean anything - so she thinks she could be leaving anytime, and has no way of knowing in advance.  This would be hard on anyone.  She's definitely old enough to understand a calendar and how to count days.  We did this with my youngest SD in her school agenda, and she still does it four years later.  Now she also writes down vacations and other events she's looking forward to.

There are also some good books you can read with your child that she might relate to:

http://www.amazon.com/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0763619841/ref=pd_sim_b_1 (http://www.amazon.com/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0763619841/ref=pd_sim_b_1)

http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Kids-Feeling/dp/0743277120/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b (http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Kids-Feeling/dp/0743277120/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b)  This one is probably a little too advanced for her right now.

You might also read Mom's House, Dad's House - for you.

http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-Homes/dp/0684830787 (http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-Homes/dp/0684830787)

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She's still young and still needs a mother's reassurance.  If a mother wasn't important then god wouldn't have set the world up this way.

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Yes, she does need the assurance of her parents.  Dad's give reassurance too, and they were "set-up" as part of the equation as well.  Reassuring your child doesn't mean you have to always be with her, or to protect her from uncomfortable things.  There are things in life we all have to learn to deal with, and the best lesson you can teach your child is how to make the best of difficult situations.

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I feel a step mom is a "mom" by the title given, meaning, a step mom is not the BM.  However, step parents are important figures in a step child's life.  They are like a mother, providing love and guidance to the step child.  But children still see the Father and the Mother as their parents. 

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My stepkids see both sets of parents as their "parents", and they refer to us all that way.  Especially as young as your child is, she won't even remember her step-mother not being there.  I know that it isn't the way you've always dreamed of raising your child - but it's your child's reality.  She is an individual, and her relationships with others should be respected.

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Even when I tried to include him in a decision, I would tell him how I felt about it and like most people, they would tell you how they felt and then discuss it.  Instead of talking, he said I was controlling everything and dictating how I wanted him to do it.  Even a simple guideline as to her daily schedule was taken as a demand as to what he had to do, not that it was a simple guideline and if say she became fussy around a certain time it meant she was probably tired.

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You have a unique situation because you and your child's father did not have a committed relationship.  Neither of you committed to being together forever, yet here you are with a child together and you have to deal with each other for at least the next 18 years anyway. 

CP's often feel that they know "better" what their children want and need than the NCP because they spend more time with them.  When they try to tell the NCP this it feels hurtful because it feels like they're being told they're not as good a parent as the CP.  Your ex may be feeling defensive because he hears you saying that he doesn't know how to take care of his daughter.  It sounds like he loves her and cares about her a great deal.  So, try not to worry about whether he's doing things just like you would when your daughter is with him.  Your ex is going to have different ways of parenting than you, and he and your child will work that out between themselves.  You have to respect the other parents role as a parent and not treat them like a babysitter.  I'm sure that's not how you're intending it, but I'm sure you understand why it sounds that way to the other person when you start giving them instructions.

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It has been like that for just about everything.  You know, I don't even know what she gets for christmas or her birthday...they won't tell me and nothing comes home with her.  She shouldn't have to live two completely seperate lives, but the only thing at this point that I feel I can do is answer her questions and talk about her father and SM in a positive way.

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I understand that it can be hard to feel like there is a whole piece of your beloved daughters life that you're not involved in.  But, unfortunately, you can't change that.  She does have to live two seperate lives, and that's something that you and her dad risked when you had sex.  I'm not judging you, I'm just saying that you took the risk and now you have to deal with the consequences and so does your child.  Life would not be better for your child if she didn't have her father in her life - so try to be happy for her that she has a loving and involved father.  There are too many guys out there who wouldn't be doing what your ex is doing.  Be happy for your child - not sad for her.

Your child is an individual, not an extension of you.  You really have no right to know these things unless your child chooses to share them with you.  A lot of parents make the mistake of "interrogating" their children when they come back from the other parents house.  This isn't fair to the child.  What and when she chooses to share with you should be up to her.

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No, I don't think they should have to tell me, but I asked to share in teh excitement.  And no, I don't think the gifts should have to come home with her.  However, I ask out of excitement, to share something that is important to our child. 

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But it's not your excitement to share.  It's your childs.  And, since you and her father are not together, she has the right to have exciting and memorable experiences with both her parents without feeling like she has to tell the other parent about it.  She may feel some guilt about having fun with the other parent - especially if she thinks you're home alone with no excitement of your own.  Let her have her time with her dad - and her dad should do the same about her time with you.

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Furthermore, the NCP says he want a coparenting relationship and that he wants to know everything about what's going on in our child's life. It's a contridiction on his part to want me to share everything with him and nothing with me.  It's more about communication and sharing to better know what's going on with our child.  Like being able to say, "You got a such and such, how cool is that...I bet you were excited..."

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You and your ex should share parenting decisions, medical information, school information, etc.  You should not have to share details of your private life - which is what you're asking him to do.  If your child wants to share those details with you of her own accord, and not because someone is questioning her, great - but otherwise, it's not yours to share in.

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About your statment regarding that their gift's were bought to be at their house.  It's not about their house, it's about the gift was bought to be enjoyed by the child.  And whatever joy that child has is to be for the child and the parent's to witness.  If a child can't take their gift where they want to, then is it really theirs?  Not in the child's eyes.  I've seen this first hand with many children and it's about the parents who put such a restriction on a child and a parent who does that are the one's drawing aline between each parent. 

First of all, the joy that your child has when she receives gifts from her father or his family is for them to share - not for you to share.  You're not giving or receiving the gift.

This is always a contentious issue.  Especially because things don't always make it back to the "house of origin", and it can be frustrating to have to keep buying the kids more stuff because they take it to the other parents house and it never comes back.  No one has unlimited financial resources.  NCP's often provide a bedroom, furniture, clothes, toys, toiletries, etc. for the child when they are with them - because they want the child to feel that it's their home too and they're not just a visitor.  On top of that they pay CS so they child can have all of those things at the other house too.  It's a rough pill to swallow - and your ex may feel that he wants the things he buys her to stay there so she'll have things to play with while she's there.

Everyone tells their child that they can't bring certain things certain places - because they're not appropriate (a PS2 at school) or because they could get lost.  It's no different with this situation.

Please don't feel like I am being unsupportive of you.  I am offering an alternate view of the situation.  You have a rough time of things because you and your ex never learned to work through your differences and cooperate in the context of a relationship.  But, you also don't have all the emotional baggage some other people do.  You can learn to work with your ex for the betterment of your child. 

As far as the deployment thing - my view is that consistency is important, as is the child's relationship with the SM and her father's side of the family.  But that's my opinion.  You have to do what you feel is right and in your child's best interest.

[CuriousMom]

bluecat -

My son's father is the exact same way.  It's his way to the T or he's filing.  Kitty had a great idea, contact the SM and see if both of you can work something out.  If he's that controlling with you, he probably is the same with her.  Without his presence, maybe both of you can work on something.

I personally see nothing wrong with allowing your daughter as she gets older to take items back and forth, as long as both dad and you agree to make sure they are returned.  Or if it's something siginificant, explain that you would like it to be left at home and is there something else small she could take.  I think it promotes that mom and dad can work together on some things.  My brother and his ex-wife have always done this.  My neice is now 8 and she knows what she takes to the other house, she must leave with when she returns to the other parent. 

Regardless of whether or not we get to play it with the child first, etc. - it's exciting for the child which is most important.  I think if your child wants to share their excitement from the other parent's house, you should share in that excitement regardless of your personal feelings.  It's bound to happen at either parents' house.

[MrCustodyCoach]

Oh, where to begin!

First - there is a lot of misinformation in this thread.  The first one being that there were recently enacted laws that do a number of things on a Federal Level - one of them guaranteeing that deployed military folks are not subject to any changes in their parenting agreements/orders while deployed.

Further, some states laws have gone so far as to protect the deployed person's right for the visitation to continue with his/her family while deployed.  In some cases, a power-of-attorney can authorize that a step-parent retain the rights and be responsible for video conferencing and phone conferencing with the deployed parent as can be made available.

Despite some of the obvious "territorial biological mother" replies in this thread, the new family IS family after divorce and specifically in the case of deployed parents, may have more rights than you think.  Being an involved family member is not just relegated to biological parents and, despite the inappropriate delivery by the father in this case - dismissing his rights or the step-parents potential rights is inappropriate, to say the least.

UT: Bill HB401 Protects Military Personnel from Custody Changes During Deployment (http://www.mrcustodycoach.com/blog/law-protects-military-personnel-from-custody-changes-deployment)

Expect to see more of this and, it's absolutely appropriate despite the outcry from ex-wives who will refer to it as a step-parenting "over-stepping her bounds."

[bluecat]

Thank you MrCustodyCoach.   I do believe that a SP should continue to have contact with the child while a NCP is deployed.  In my situation, because the visitations are more than just an everyother weekend schedule I don't feel that the SM should have the same visitation schedule as written in the consent order (the order does not address visitation with anyone else other than the NCP).  I thought we, SM, NCP, CP, would discuss and come up with an alternate schedule with my child to be with me for Christmas.  This conversation took place at a fastfood joint while the NCP was picking up the child for his visit.  Before they left it seemed that they understood my feelings about christmas and we would be able to discuss the schedule.  The next conversation was by phone and the only other time we spoke.  I couldn't talk at the time, and asked that he e-mail an alternate schedule and we could talk about it.  He informed me that he was asking for the schedule as it was written and if I didn't agree he would file a motion to have it changed to state the SM could exercise his visitation.  He did file but stated I flately refused all visitation.  How would his attorney or a judge feel about that once they knew that he lied?  The child's schedule won't really be disrupted because this is a new schedule (NCP has changed the schedule whenever he decided it wasn't working for him) and this new schedule is date specific for the next 2 years.  There was mention of the child being upset or worried about the father being deployed, but I'm not going to explain what a deployment means.  The child is too young for that, I will just say that he is away working.  Also,  the SM is in the service.

Can the NCP use the deployment as a significant change in circumstance knowing he would deploy when he signed the consent order?

[MixedBag]

Bluecat...

I think your answer in court is just as you stated here -- you didn't REFUSE all parenting time, you simply wanted the time adjusted due to the absence of the father.

I'm retired military -- and both a CP and NCP....

Yes, deployments are/were part of my job/career so in many senses, they should be "foreseen" and inevitable.

As the CP, if my girls' dad was deployed and he said "I still want them to spend time with SM" -- the girls' relationship with their SM would be first and foremost in my mind.  In this case, I know that they wouldn't want to go see her because of the bed she made regarding their relationship.  If dad said "go see my mother (their grandmother)" then I'd feel differently and assess the situtation from there.

As the NCP, I take the position that time defined in the order is my time to determine HOW my son spends it.  (Yea, kinda a double standard, on the surface).  Even during my longer periods of time with him, I've "sent him to go spend time with Oma and Opa (my parents)" because they don't live near either one of us and dang it, they are his grandparents.  But there's no relationship or other problems to consider (not like for my girls and their grandparents).

I personally think dad will get the court to add that during his deployments/TDYs etc, that he can choose how the child(ren) will spend their time and with whom.  BUT You won't be found in contempt....that's my humble opinion k?

Oh yea, also -- as the NCP, I am well aware that my son's dad goes on frequent, and I mean frequent business trips out of town which leaves him with Camilla.  If I was local -- as in can get son to school every day -- I'd be asking the court for right of first refusal as opposed to leaving him with Camilla.  Her past behavior is what influences that decision.  But I can't do that because I'm too far away (750 miles) and she should be thanking her lucky stars for that.

So I can see both sides......and I think that if your relationship with Dad and SM were better, you would probably feel more comfortable with letting your child go as opposed to thinking "NO, he/she should be with me."

One last thing -- after dad deploys, contact SM and see if you two can work something out.....don't let this court action stop what progress you may already have made.  And if SM agrees to some time, that will really help YOUR position in court -- and will sorta make dad pretty mad as it will weaken his position in court.  And I bet she bites!