Summer marching band

[hoosierdaddy]

My 14 year-old daughter has expressed an interest in marching band next year. Marching band begins in the middle of June and runs through the end of football season. School general ends the Friday after Memorial Day. Mom is CP and lives in next town over (12 miles away). We split the summer per our state's PTG and marching band require weekends, weekdays and some evenings as well as the holidays for parades. This would require a significant amount of time and expense and is NOT something I want to do since it takes away from family and travel time. My question is how do I tell my daughter I can't do this? How do I tell the ex that I disapprove?

[Momfortwo]

You simply tell them that you will not permit it.

BTW, you may want to reconsider your position.

My 20 year old cousins were very involved in activities like the type you posted about.  It helped them get scholarships and admittance to an Ivy League College, along with their grades.  Colleges do take extracurricular activities into consideration. 

[ocean]

I agree...this is for the child who is 14 and is starting to get her own life Parents need to support this. Now at the same time you can still have your vacations. Call the school now and ask to talk to the band teacher. See when it starts exactly if possible and if they are allowed to miss any practices. See what weeks are left open and work with her mother to get at least 2 free weeks and then either allow her to stay home for band weeks or bring her yourself and still have the rest of the day to enjoy with her. You are not that far away. If this goes to court, you will probably lose. It is what the child wants, it is a school activity, and her age are all against you. This is the age where is gets a little ugly because they want their own lives, friends on weekends, parties, football games.....Yes, family comes first but there has to be a healthy balance especially for school activities.

[CuriousMom]

I agree with ocean and Momfor - you should really reconsider allowing her to participate if it's something she really wants to do.  If all the travel to and from is too much maybe mom would help out since it's for your daughter.  If it's something she really wants to do at that age, she'll probably resent the fact she wasn't allowed.  Or maybe she'll find out it wasn't for her afterall. 

[hoosierdaddy]

She is already in jazz band and symphonic band. Marching band is 6 days a week with traveling to other counties. She isn't even committed to it yet. Her mom has her enrolled in guitar and piano lessons also. 

Her best friend is the band director's daughter. He is a super guy. He might be willing to work out something, but if he can't, I can't do this. As far whether I will lose if it goes to court...not relevant and not likely. There is no way I can take her to some of band meetings due to my work schedule. The court can't reduce my parenting time below the minimum provided by my state's PTG unless it believes it is in the child's best interests. Given that I have fully supported all her activities, I doubt seriously the court will restrict my time to below the minimum set by the PTG if I don't let her participate in marching band. 

I agree...this is for the child who is 14 and is starting to get her own life Parents need to support this. Now at the same time you can still have your vacations. Call the school now and ask to talk to the band teacher. See when it starts exactly if possible and if they are allowed to miss any practices. See what weeks are left open and work with her mother to get at least 2 free weeks and then either allow her to stay home for band weeks or bring her yourself and still have the rest of the day to enjoy with her. You are not that far away. If this goes to court, you will probably lose. It is what the child wants, it is a school activity, and her age are all against you. This is the age where is gets a little ugly because they want their own lives, friends on weekends, parties, football games.....Yes, family comes first but there has to be a healthy balance especially for school activities.

[ocean]

LOL.... You have no idea what goes on in the court room. What SHOULD be done is not always the case in the courts. It depends on the judges mood that day. If you only knew my story...They will take away the time because you are choosing NOT to take her to her activities or cant arrange someone to do it. Your ex is not choosing for you not to have custody during that time, it is you saying you cant do it. You ex is going to say you can have her but she wants to do this school activity and he is not allowing her to do it so either he finds a way or I will take her. The schedule usually changes as they get older and it wont be set in stone as much when they start activities and part time jobs. You are just entering this stage.

For example: our midweek visit started at 3 but once sports started, practices started to 5 every day plus the days they had games they were not home until 7. Schedule reduced time at BOTH houses....

You need to work with your daughter and ask for the first two weeks when it didnt start and then maybe talk to the coach and have another week later on. Talk to the coach and find out because you are hearing it from mom. I am sure the other kids are going on vacation. You can call the athletic director too and ask what the policy is for vacations. If mom is in agreement, you can get it court ordered that you have her from July 16-30 and see if the school will accept that child will not be in district during those days. Then they wont hold it against her. There has to be a way that she is able to see you and be in the activity.

[Momfortwo]

She is already in jazz band and symphonic band. Marching band is 6 days a week with traveling to other counties. She isn't even committed to it yet. Her mom has her enrolled in guitar and piano lessons also. 

Her best friend is the band director's daughter. He is a super guy. He might be willing to work out something, but if he can't, I can't do this. As far whether I will lose if it goes to court...not relevant and not likely. There is no way I can take her to some of band meetings due to my work schedule. The court can't reduce my parenting time below the minimum provided by my state's PTG unless it believes it is in the child's best interests. Given that I have fully supported all her activities, I doubt seriously the court will restrict my time to below the minimum set by the PTG if I don't let her participate in marching band. 

A court ordering you to take your child to school activities during your parenting time isn't taking away from your parenting time.   It would still be considered your parenting time.

Part of parenting IS taking kids to their activities. 

As for the not relevant and not likely part about court, well, I think you may be in for a surprise.   Because courts have been known to do what you don't think they will do.   

[gemini3]

Your posts don't say what your current parenting time schedule is, or how much of that is taken up by extra-curricular activities.

While I agree that participation in extra-curricular is a benefit to the child, the benefit is diluted if that means that the child is unable to have quality time with their parent(s) because of scheduling issues.  In other words, there can be too much of a good thing.

My first suggestion would be to try and work it out with your ex first and then tell the child what you and her mom have agreed to.  It's best not to have the kids in the middle.

My second suggestion would be to outline for yourself and your ex the amount of time you have with your daughter and how much of that time is spent ferrying her between extra-curricular activities.  If it's a burdensome amount of time, you have just cause to say "Here's how much time I can commit to extra-curricular", and then decide which activities are a priority and which ones are not.  If you feel strongly that you want your daughter to participate in them all you can arrange some other means of transportation (riding with a friend, etc.) - but by no means should you feel obligated to give up the majority of your parenting time to extra-curricular activities.

[snowrose]

She is already in jazz band and symphonic band. Marching band is 6 days a week with traveling to other counties. She isn't even committed to it yet. Her mom has her enrolled in guitar and piano lessons also.

That's a lot of commitments.  Can you give us an idea of how much of these commitments will be on your parenting time? 

There is no way I can take her to some of band meetings due to my work schedule.

If her best friend is the band director's daughter, then why can't she get a ride from them when your schedule doesn't allow you to bring her?  Parents make these kinds of 'you take my kid now, I'll take your kid later' exchanges all the time.

[MixedBag]

bottom line is that there has to be a balance -- and having both parents in the child's life is part of that.

The child isn't going to be able to do everything all the time -- and you should count your blessings that you live physically CLOSE to her.

12 miles.....think about it....you can't "afford" to do the extra driving?

think....real hard.

Insist on the fact that your daughter deserves to have you in her life and then go from there.