What should I do?

[oneaddress]

I have posted before about my five year old son. I am a never married father. BM and I have shared custody since son was 6 months old. BM gave her time to her mother and moved away without son. I stepped in when grandmother was too stressed to cover for BM. BM told me that mothers always rule no matter what. BM felt free to marry and to separate, to live with a guy, to booze and to drug as much as she wanted. I have tried to be a stable parent to my son.

After going to court, I became temporary residential parent. BM came back to ask for sole custody. I think it has something to do with child support. I told my attorney to not ask judge for support. I know that he needs two loving parents. When BM's mom told me to file for sole custody, I said no because I wanted BM to be a coparent.

Now, BM's mom has suddenly on board with BM getting custody. My young son is being so hostile with me after he comes from a visit with BM. He cried when he came home, he tried to punch me, and he tried to bite me. It is so discouraging, because I have never spanked him and have devoted myself to making him content and happy. I have always told my son that BM loves him even when he says that she is mean to him. Should I get my son a therapist or GAL? I am feeling a little down right now.

[Giggles]

I think you should do both.  You may want to also read up on PAS.  Keep consistant.

What do your temp orders say about visitation?  You may want to look into supervised until a permanent order is set??

[oneaddress]

Thanks for your reply. I try to be consistent same routines. We do playtime, bathtime, book time and bedtime the same ea. night.

I have looked up PAS.

It is ironic, because I am the CP not the NCP. Orders give BM every other weekend. I allow him to visit BM's mom one afternoon per week, because she functioned as mom. It is damaging to my son to hear hateful comments from people he loves about people he loves. I know that he wants to love us both. He makes negative comments that he has to hear at BM's home. He came home talking about pinky swearing about keeping secrets. I do not ask him about what goes on at BM home. BM says that she will get temporary primary soon.

Another irony is that BM's mom said that BM mistreats our son. Son says that mom says that he gets on her nerves. He is being manipulated by BM. It is so wrong. I include and try to get input from BM on everything (dr. visits and recreational activities) that involves son.

[Giggles]

I would highly suggest getting counseling for DS!!  I think I would also ask for a Psyc eval on BM.  A GAL would be great if you can get a non-biased one!!

[snowrose]

I agree with getting the GAL on board.  Make sure that the GAL knows that BM abandoned the child, and if BM has an arrests for drugs or anything else make sure the GAL knows that too.  If BM literally signed any document giving the GM her rights, when going to court ask for a copy of that document for document disclosure.  Also investigate putting wording into any agreement that says that one parent may not degrade or speak poorly of the other parent.  It may not help much but at least if things get bad you can go to court for contempt.

There comes a point when a child is experiencing PAS that you need to begin to confront it.  It really is a form of emotional child abuse, pitting one parent against the other.  I'd recommend that you read the book Divorce Poison by Warshak for information on how to confront PAS.  Your son deserves to have positive relationships with both his parents but if BM is going to cause problems then you do need to step in and take more control before serious damage is done.

Five is rather young for therapy, unfortunately.  I'm not sure it would help at this point in time.  But a year or two down the line the boy may have a greater understanding and ability to express himself, and if there are still problems then a therapist would be useful.  One thing you could do is look into group therapy for children in your area.  It might be a therapy for overcoming the effects of divorce and I know you were never married, but your child is still experiencing the same problems that he would experience if you were divorced.

[CuriousMom]

To add to snowrose's post regarding a 5 year old and therapy - I know in my area we have a center that does art therapy for children of younger ages for these kind of cases.  It's actually a seperate center that is privately funded, but ours can be found through our local United Way. 

Also, when we were court ordered to our co-parenting classes, the center Family First, that holds these also does therapy for children of all ages and has tons of connections to these sorts of organizations.  Might be another path in helping your son handle your current situation.

[MixedBag]

two addresses, two homes, two parents......not "oneaddress"

[oneaddress]

Why does MixedBag's find fault in my personal username? I chose it after trying other usernames that were taken.

I appreciate that this board is to provide help to parents who are trying to be the best parent for their children, not a board to make attacks on usernames.

Wow, oneaddress just came to me after putting in my email address. Oh well, I will keep asking for relevant input. Thanks group.

[sillystring]

I don't see what the point was in saying anything about your screenname either... sorry Mixedbag, but what was your point?

Anyway, we have my 3-year-old in what is called 'play therapy'.  Basically she goes to the therapist every other week for an hour and plays with the therapist and just gives her an outlet to talk about her feelings to an unbiased, trusted adult.  We had to put her in it due to false abuse allegations but I'm glad we did because she really enjoys it and it is helping teach her how to express herself and her emotions.  I would highly recommend that if you put your son in therapy that you take this route. 

We had bad luck with a GAL, but if you get a good one they can be quite helpful.  GL!  You have an advantage since you already have temporary custody.

[MixedBag]

there's a lot to be said in a name a person chooses....one address....a child has TWO.

why not choose twohomes?