First visitation

[Kitty C.]

If you and Dad have been able to get along so far, I wouldn't upset the apple cart by jumping into court immediately.

JMO, but it appears to me that the issue isn't that he took the child out to dinner with his GF, but that he lied.  You even said you like his GF.  I believe the issue is honesty.  I can see both sides of the issue........on his, he may have felt that you would have been totally against the GF sharing dinner, to the point of fearing you would limit his time with the child.  Not saying that you would have, but who knows what he was thinking when he did this.

Talk to him.  You both have done well so far in communicating with each other, so don't stop that now.  But make absolutely sure that when you do talk, you keep any anger or animosity out of your voice or attitude, as that will immediately put him on the defensive.  He'd be more inclined to lie in the future, because he might feel that a specific situation would make you mad and refuse his request.

Instead of telling him how angry this made you, tell him how disappointed you are in him, believing that you two have had honest, open communication to this point, so you don't understand why he wouldn't tell you about it.  He probably will say he didn't tell you for fear of you refusing, but make sure he understands that you might have, but only to postpone it for the time being.

Just a suggestion.........

[stressedoutmom]

Kitty, you are right.  No reason for us to jump in to court.  He and I need to talk about this.  I'm slowly getting to the point that I am ready to talk.  I was extremely angry and I can recognize that it's not good for us to discuss it when I am that angry because I would probably just yell at him and he would tune me out and it wouldn't resolve anything.  The biggest thing is definately the lying and the fact that it was a total pre-mediated lie not just that plans changed.  I'm going to start off by asking him why he lied about it.  And I'm sure he will say because he thought I would say no which will hopefully open up a good dialogue.  I really want us to be able to work together in for our daughters best interests but we can't do that if we can't be honest with each other.

[Kitty C.]

'I really want us to be able to work together for our daughters best interests but we can't do that if we can't be honest with each other.'

Tell him EXACTLY that.....word for word.

[tigger]

I think the real issue is the lie as well.  His actions not only affected Mom's trust in him but DD's trust in mom.  Mom spent time (at least 30 minutes) preparing DD for something that never happened.  How's DD supposed to trust that mom knows what she's talking about the next time she says anything regarding the child's father?  Really poor decision on his part.

[stressedoutmom]

Well, the talk with her dad didn't go well.  I asked him why he lied to me about it and he said he didn't.  I told him that he said he was going to take her over to his mom's for dinner and that's not what happened.  He said when he picked her up he tried to call his mom and she wasn't answering the phone.  Ok, that there tells me that he didn't really have this set up with his mom in the first place.  He said he asked DD is she was hungry and she said yes so they went to get something to eat (at the restaurant connected to the store where his GF works) and he told me the names of the other friends that they had dinner with.  I said and conveniently your friends were at the place that you decided to go (those friends live in a neighboring town 20 miles away).  He gave me some story about how they just happened to call and said if he wasn't doing anything he should meet them for dinner.  Could happen but sounds a little too coincidental to be true.  And even if it was true, he told he he was taking her to his mom's and he obviously didn't have that worked out with his mom so we're back to lying.  I told him that he needs to follow through with what he says because that's what I prepared her for.  He said that I don't tell him everytime I take her some where and I said that I gladly would if he would like but I don't have to because I have sole physical and legal custody.  He tried to say we have joint and I told him to go back and read his court papers.  I don't think he understands that since I have sole legal custody he can't make any decisions.  He can't even take her to the doctor.  He said that he trusts me so I don't have to tell him everywhere I take her and I obviously don't trust him.  How can I trust him when he can't be honest with me??  He said fine he would tell me everywhere he takes her from now on.  He was being sarcastic but I just said thank you.  At some point I won't care where they go and what they do but he just waltzed in her life a month ago and so right now I do because I don't trust him.  I know I don't get a say in what they do when he is with her but just don't lie to me about it.  Being open and honest with each other is so important so we can stay on the same page especially as she gets older.   

[ocean]

Sole custody is the every day decisions and medical/educational. He still has rights...take to ER, get school info, be at all childs events, and have parenting time.

I understand you are mad and should be. You told him your feelings and will see what he does in the future. He really can take her where ever he wants and see who ever. If you child is doing good, then you just prepare her for "it is dad's time to pick you up, have fun". He is your ex for a reason and you wont totally trust him. He probably was trying to get in visit before the holiday. Maybe half his story is true because why wouldnt Grandma want to see her too? Your child had a good time, he lied but was not neglectful. Now is the time to go by the court order or come up with something you both agree to so you know when she goes, what time she will be back.

[teacher98]

I know the honesty is the biggest issue here, but due to the circumstances, you are really going to have to just take his word for it in everything.  Word of caution, STOP asking your daughter questions.  Kids of all ages can totally sense moods and attitudes of their parents.  She will learn very quickly if you two don't like each other or if you two don't agree and she will learn to manipulate that OR start taking sides.  It's not a fun situation.  My SS is now 9 but even at age 4 he was playing sides to protect both of his parents and to get want he wanted.  If you have questions at all about what they did you need to ask DD's dad and just ask her if she had fun.  DO NOT probe for details from her.  Even if you are curious.  It makes things worse. 

Another issue I see creeping up is the issue of control.  I know that you have been in control since the beginning, but you must keep your focus on becoming a coparent.  That is a HUGE thing to have to do, but coparenting and being a TEAM for you daughter will truly pay off in the long run.  It cannot be you against him. It has to be a united front.  On paper it may say you have legal and physical custody, but who cares.  He is the father and now is better than never for him to step up and have all of the responsibilities that come with parenting. That includes making decisions for her and having her for continuous periods of time away from you. 
I agree with ocean. Just prepare your daughter for his parenting time by saying it's time to go with Daddy.  I will see you soon, be it tomorrow or 3 days from now.  Kids are super adaptable.  She will adjust to everything that she sees you comfortable with.  SHE will not need to talk to you at night before bed as much as YOU will need that.  SHE will not feel the need to give you every detail of her time with Dad as much as YOU will feel the need to know.  SHE will not need 5 four hour visits away from you before staying overnight. YOU will need that.  Parenting plans are more for parents than they are kids.  The one thing kids do need however is FREQUENT and CONTINUING contact with both parents where both parents are able to actually parent for extended times and NOT just play.  Good luck and keep us posted.  We are all here to support you!!!

[stressedoutmom]

Thank you all for your support.  It really helps to get advice from others who have been here or in similar situations.  And you are all right, the major issue here is honesty.  I don't feel that he was being honest with me.  This is a big adjustment for me.  I have been the only person making all of the decisions for the past 3 years and it is going to take some getting used to to have another person involved.  I really wish that he understood that.  I prepared myself that he was going to do things that I didn't like but I guess I just hoped that we would talk about those things and work them out.  I never prepared myself for him to lie to me.  When he approached me about seeing her in the first place we agreed that we don't want to be those parents who can't be in the same room with one another.  Its very hard for me to give up some of that control to someone that I don't trust and right now I don't trust him.  I am trying very hard but I don't. 

I do want to clarify one thing.  When I said I kept talking with my daughter when she was talking about the eating barn I was talking to her about that place specifically.  I was asking her questions like if it was somewhere we had been before or what it looked like.  I was trying to figure out what she was talking about so I could tell her the correct name of where ever it was.  At that point I figured they had gone out to dinner with his mom.  Then I asked my daughter if she had fun with her dad.  Then she started with yeah we had fun.  We went out to dinner with daddy's friends, got this snow globe, went to grandma's and I waited in the car while my dad went to see if grandma was home, etc.  I didn't go probing for those details.  I simply asked if she had fun and then she went down the list of what they did.  It wasn't she went in to those details that I figured out what had happened.  I didn't ask her any more questions about it, I just said I was glad that she had fun.

And now I have another issue, opinions please.  DD and I always to go my parents for Christmas and do the whole big family Christmas with aunts and uncles, cousins.  My parents live about an hour away.  In past years we have gone Christmas Eve.  This year I had decided to wait until Christmas day to go to my parents so that we could do the whole Santa thing on Christmas morning now that she is old enough to really get.  Per our court order he gets Christmas Eve and I get Christmas day, always, no alternating.  Trying to be nice and make this whole thing work (and prior to this whole fiasco) I had invited him over on Christmas morning.  He is a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts and he has to work Christmas Eve.  So I invited him to come over Christmas morning when he got off work.  Well the weather here is nasty and continuing to get worse.  It rained all day today and it will freeze now that its night time.  Then it is supposed to start snowing tomorrow and not stop until Saturday and we are supposed to get 12 inches.  I am debating leaving tomorrow instead of Friday morning to make sure we are able to get to my family Christmas.  I sent her father a message last night giving him a heads up that we may change our plans due to the weather and we may not be here Christmas morning.  I didn't get any response from him.  I actually just sent him a text a few minutes ago asking if he would be mad if we changed our plans.  I do want him to know that changing plans has nothing to do with our fight and everything to do with the weather.  I feel stuck and don't know what to do.  Do we go tomorrow or do we wait until Friday morning like we originally planned and take the chance of not making it there.  I'm not trying to get back at him or keep him from her on Christmas, the weather just sucks.  What to do?  I feel like I'm getting pressure from my parents too for us to come tomorrow.  HELP!   

[ocean]

Maybe offer him a full day next week when you get back? or offer him New Years Day? I can understand if he is upset..first Christmas eve..prob planned things...family there...I would call him and explain it ...hard to here emotion in text and see if he would be willing to switch the day due to weather...

[teacher98]

I agree with ocean.  Call him and explain the situation. See if he has any ideas. If not, offer him a full day as soon as it fits in his work schedule. 

I am sorry if I seemed agressive in my earlier post. Did not mean to be. As I read it again I could feel my emotion but hard for someone to receive that on a screen.   I was just warning of the vicious cycle of questioning that could happen.  No worries and don't feel like you have to explain yourself on this board.  We are here to help not judge.  I still totally understand how you feel about the lies.  It's not a good way to start this journey, but I am sure if you continue to show him you are willing to do what is court order (and even more) he will feel confident as a dad. 

You probably feel like he has a lot of proving of himself to do to you. You were on your own for so long and here he comes waltzing in wanting to be dad.  Maybe not so exciting for you. You may have resentments, but this is really a great thing for your daughter.  Always remember that and always try to make sure that you two are working to give her as much acess to both of you as possible with your schedules.  You will appreciate it in the long run. Think long term. (dance classes, school, sports, plays, friends parties, etc) And even short term-a whole weekend to yourself!!  It is nice to have someone to share the parenting burden with. 

Give him a call tonight or tomorrow and see what he thinks about switching the schedule.  Maybe even offer him an extra holiday or Christmas Eve and morning until 10am or something next year in order to make it work for this year.  Keep us posted.