My husband wants custody of his two children

[billievaughters]

They are 5 and 7 yrs old. The mother is pretty much pycho. Right now she is living with her mother. The grandmother told my husband thrusday when he picked the children up that her daughter attacked her. My husband saw the bite marks all over her arms she said her daughter did it when they got into a fight.  Now this past saturday he took his daughter to her girl scout event and I went with him with my own children and she made a huge scene telling me I am not allowed to be there. Then she pointed her finger in my face and told me to shut the f up bitch. Since there was children around I did nothing. I kept my cool. But this woman has a history of voilence. When we dropped off the children the first time at her mothers house she got angry because I went into her mothers house she later came back with her cousins and gave her mother a black eye when the children were there.  The mother keeps using the children against the grandmother telling her she will never see the chidlren again if she says anything or help my husband. We have trying to convience her that we would never keep the children away from her. But she is scared. We don't know what to do. We can't afford a lawyer. Does anyone have any suggestions for us?

[Kitty C.]

Yeah......call the cops!  Tell them you have reason to believe that the children are in imminent danger and describe to them what you witnessed with the grandmother.  Actually, it sounds like the grandmother is more afraid of her daughter than she is worried she won't get to see her grandkids.........and it sounds like this has been going on for a very long time.  Otherwise, why would a grandmother who loved her grandchildren willingly put them in danger by being around their violent mother if she wasn't scared out of her mind?

And the next time (if there ever is a next time) the BM makes a scene like that, call the cops there, too.  Yes, I realize that there were a lot of kids at the event you described...but what kind of impression do you want to leave them?  That it's traumatic to have the cops come to subdue a raging lunatic...........or that the cops come to subdue a raging lunatic because she did something stupid and violent, because that is what happens when people act that way (they get in trouble with the law)?  If it's the former, all you're teaching them is that it's okay for idiots like her to be a bully and to be subservient to them.  If it's the latter, then you're teaching them to stand up for themselves and even adults can act stupid sometimes, but it doesn't mean they (as children) have to put up with it if they feel threatened.

As mean and violent as this BM appears to be, only law enforcement will have any effect on her (even if only temporary).

[billievaughters]

at the event on saturday we did call the police and they took a report  but in the end they said they could do nothing

[Kitty C.]

I'm not just talking about that event.............you need to call law enforcement and ask them to do a 'welfare check' on the grandmother and the children and tell them why you feel they all are in danger.  They will go to the home and see what's going on.  If they have any reason to believe that the children are in imminent danger, they will remove the children, so make sure you tell them you have joint custody and be ready to show them your order.  Then if they have to remove the kids, they can bring them to you, instead of putting them into foster care.

I would also call DFS/CPS as tell them everything you know about what's going on at BM's house.  Explain that you know that the grandmother is trying to take care of the children, but you have serious concerns about possible abuse of the grandmother from the BM.  You say the BM has a history of violence...anything she's been arrested for in the past?  If so, make sure the cops are aware of it, so they can look her up in their data base.  They may not have done that at the GS event.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease...........as long as you feel the children are in danger (and especially if their primary caretaker, the grandmother, is also) you need to make as much noise as possible to get someone to listen.  It does no good to complain after someone gets hurt or killed.............

[snowrose]

Kitty is right.  Right now this is a problem that's hidden in the shadows, to be ignored and spoken of in whispers with people shaking their heads about poor grandma and the kids - and no one doing anything.  The only way to fix that is to get the police and CPS working on it.

CPS is there to give advice, so give them a call and ask for information on what you can do and what resources can be used.  Call a local woman's shelter and talk to them about the grandma and the children, get their take on it all from their vantage point.  Check for a local mental health unit in your phonebook.  Call them and ask them about how to handle the situation, and whether BM can be involuntarily committed for at least observation.

The only way to help the children and grandma is to put a spotlight on what's going on and use the resources available to you.

[Davy]

You may get better results (for everybody) if you file a complaint with APS (Adult Protective Services) concerning grandma's welfare.  APS will probably (reporting agency) emphasize matters to CPS.... kinda double whammmy.  And CPS may not be so willing to show any bias they have against males.

[Kitty C.]

Good idea, Davy!  Elder abuse has been hidden in the shadows for many years, too.....authorities are now taking it a whole lot more seriously.  Looking into a woman's shelter for the grandmother and kids to go to in an emergency is another good idea.

[billievaughters]

yes i did call about elderly abuse and they said she doesn't qualify since she is able to pick up a phone and call 911. They said that since she is not disable they can't do anything. But the thing is she is just intimidated by her and scared.

[Kitty C.]

Whose 'they'??  That's BS.......she doesn't qualify because she's able to call 911??  If 'they' are anyone else than the cops, call the cops instead.  Tell them that she has told you she is scared and intimidated by the BM and you suspect elder abuse and are also concerned about her being able to protect the children, as well.

Always make sure you are talking to the appropriate agency who can get the job done and also make sure that all agencies who do get involved are working together.  Communicate with them frequently, just to make sure.  You have to be pro-active and stay on top of these things......or it will just slip through the cracks.

[gemini3]

What are they saying she doesn't qualify for?  Help?  That ridicuous.  What state are you in?