Military father seeking custody questions

[Dustoff32]

To better understand my case I would like to take this from the beginning,  I have Served in the Military for 15 yrs and have been married for the past 7yrs with 3 children ( our oldest was hers but I adopted).  Last year I deployed to Iraq and after numerous attempts to save the marriage I quit due to her documented infidelity.  Prior to the Deployment I relocated my family to Alabama around her parents address so that my family would have a better support system.    When I returned to the US I had 30 days of R&R.  My plan was to take the children fight for custody, etc etc.  Since I moved her away from my duty station in Texas I was advised by my attorney not to take the children out of state.  Also having a moment of clarity and witnessing how difficult Military life is on the children without two parents I decided to abandon my fight for custody.  She was a decent mother when we were married and agreed to have joint custody with her being the primary care giver and the children reside with her.
  Since the Divorce I have witnessed and found out things I never thought possible of her, <o:p></o:p>

1.  My 10yr old daughter witnessed the affair on numerous occasions and often cried about it.  She later told me, "her mom had threatened her not to tell dad about any of the "boys" spending the night while he was deployed".
2.  I have self admittance of the affair on voice conversations with the ex also<o:p></o:p>
3.  I volunteered to pay rehabilitated alimony for 6 months since she hasn't worked in 7 years and I wanted my children to stay in a decent house.  It has been 8 months now and she has no job and has decided to just accept welfare. <o:p></o:p>
4.  Our decree states no one of the opposite sex not related is allowed to spend the night.  She moved my 10 old in with her grandparents and now the boyfriend spends the night.  "I'm hiring a PI it prove"<o:p></o:p>
5.  She started smoking in the house with my other 2 children ages 3 and 7, they all have chronic ear infections, cough's, runny nose, and sniffles every time I see them.<o:p></o:p>
6.  Grand pa smokes in the 1000 sqft house with my asthmatic 10 yr old.  She now resides there so she can't witness boyfriend spending the night "I'm hiring a PI to prove that"<o:p></o:p>
7.  She refuses to put my 3 yr old in a car seat.  She meets me 250 miles 6 times a year to exchange the children and they are never in seatbelts or car seats.  I have an audio clip that holds the conversation of me offering to give her my car seat since she does not have one.  And she refused<o:p></o:p>
8.  My 3 yr old now has 4 cavities in her front teeth.<o:p></o:p>
9.  She drops the kids off at her parents' house on the weekend and has "ME" time every weekend.  She goes out and wakes up around noonish every sat and sun. "so my 10yr old says.  <o:p></o:p>
10.  I have documented through texts, 30 contempt of court with her refusing to allow me to talk with my children <o:p></o:p>
11.  I have text showing her withholding the children unless her monetary demands are met<o:p></o:p>
12.  She refused to get a web cam that is stated in the decree so I can see my children<o:p></o:p>
13.  She has fraudently opened an electricity account in my name for her house using my SS#<o:p></o:p>
14.  They are showing signs of mal nourishment<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
  Finding out details after the divorce I went to my attorney in Alabama and he thinks I need to fight for non-deployable status in order to get custody of my children.  <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
  Questions:<o:p></o:p>
1.    With all that is going on, would my deployable status even be considered an issue in a court?<o:p></o:p>
2.    Should I give up my career and loose the children's: medical, dental, education, etc benefits?<o:p></o:p>
3.    How can I better document the above offences?<o:p></o:p>
4.    Which of the above would hold the most weight in a court of law<o:p></o:p>

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  Any suggestions and answers would be appreciated, and thank you for your time<o:p></o:p>

[ocean]

You have a lot going on. Are you back in the states for a while now? If you are there are several things you can start doing and many things you can do yourself.

*Any time she does not follow the order (refuses a visit, having boyfriend over) file a "contempt of court" each time. File a police report in an attempt to get children and take that and any evidence of her saying no you cant have them. After a few of these, the judge wont like it anymore....(this is the very very beginning of a custody change if you decide to fight that fight later on).

*List all the things that she is NOT doing and next time you are in court ask for specific wording
-children will be seat belts, car seats at all times. When she meets you, if no seat, NO CHILD. Call the police, they will either have her go buy one and come back or take yours if you offer. It is the law in my state until age 6. Look up your state laws. You can try and send her a certified letter stating the state laws and that you wont release child without car seat. Sent letter overnight AFTER you pick up your children so she doesnt refuse a visit.

Older daughter is with grandparents and she is somewhere else with the other two? She lives there? If you are not on active duty, you can ask for custody of this child since she can no longer do it. Ask the lawyer even about temporary emergency hearing to get child NOW. You can file this yourself also in the family court where your divorce took place. Your reason is mother can no longer take care of child and child is living with grandmother as of XXX. That you want custody of your child and that you will foster a relationship with the grandparents and mother if she wants visits.

The affairs really have no affect in court any more since you are divorced. Family court is about the kids not you guys any more. So hold off on that evidence unless needed or asked. Focus on what is best for the kids...Having a kid lie to another parent (you can use that) but the affair itself they wont care about. They hear it every day.

Medical and dental- Go get their records, bring them to drs as needed and try to get her teeth fixed. If mom gives you a hard time, file that mother is not tending to medical issues (medical neglect). Also good for custody change later on...but the courts will make her do it or give you time to take care of appointments. Get dentist to put in writing she has 4 cavities and has not been back to get them fixed. Take them to their dr for a well visit and see if they are mal norished and get dr's findings in writing.

Web Cam- You need to file the contempt of courts...each week ..let them pile up to the court date...keep filing and they will add them to that same court date along with the others for non visitation. BUT you need proof. So call her number, show that the call was only a minute on your phone records or get a text from her saying no. This is contempt so just states on the following days she would not allow me access to kids as court ordered even while oversees". Let her say she didnt buy the camera...

Electricity- File a Report! That is fraud! File with company and see if they want you to file a police report. Go there and make them deal with the situation. This is not a family court issue but criminal issue.

We have used texts, emails, phone records, police reports...many many.., her voicemails yelling. If she gets a lawyer, harder to get some of it in but you can always show future therapists, lawyers, and judges.

[Dustoff32]

I appreciate your response; you have a lot of good points and suggestions.  I'm state side for about another year hopefully.  The decision to surge 30K troops might change that time frame. 
I have consulted with my lawyer on these issues many times and he tries to mediate keeping me out of court and saving money.  I think I might new another lawyer.    As far as filing for contempt, I will look up the process and find out how I can do that.  I have a geographical issue of 750 miles working against me.  The only other choice is a $150 per hour lawyer that can represent me every time she does things like this.  Can I back date the offenses and just show up in Alabama and file 30 contempt's?  I didn't realize I could spell out specific requests in contempt's like car seats so thanks.   
My older daughter is her biological my adopted child.  I have texts from the ex stating that she can't afford to take care of the children even though I pay more than what is order by the court and help quite often.  I even pay for the car.  How can I document or prove that she smokes in her house, and the grandfather smokes with my asthmatic daughter in his house (they live in different towns but same city) 
None the less you believe my daughter living separately for the past few months justifies custody?  The only proof I have of this is my daughter's word. 

With the web cam, she says she can't get internet, but I put in the decree wherever broadband is available and satellite internet is available everywhere.  Do you think that is a good argument?

I have text showing I wanted my oldest daughter to have sessions with a therapist.  It's covered by my insurance but she won't take her.  I assume it's because she doesn't want anymore traces of her cheating behavior.  She is 11 now and wants to live with me so hopefully the court will listen to her request.
I have the medical records of the children constantly being sick, but how do I link that with smoking in attempts to stop her from doing that.
Also, last year while I was deployed the ex had an issue with a teacher letting her walk onto school grounds and pick up my son.  So with my 3yr old in hand, the entire kindergarten outside waiting to be picked up by their parents she decided to pick a verbal fight with the teacher in front of everyone.  She used some pretty obscene language and was escorted off the school grounds.  Do you think I should attempt to get a copy of the report if one was made?

I understand this is the tip of the ice berg and I have a long road ahead of me but worth it. 

Thanks

[ocean]

Parents have more rights than grandparents do in every state. You are entitled as the father to have her over the grandparents. So see if the lawyer will the emergency order for you for temporary custody because you found out that child is no longer in mothers care. Be prepared to go get her if lawyer can get this done. Emergency hearings can be done the same day. You can make the trip and do it yourself. See if you can get the temp order and then start the paper trail of everything else. If you get temp custody then there prob will be a trial if she fights it and all this other stuff can be addressed (including how she gets visits...). Maybe call the lawyer see how judges deal with this in that area and see if he thinks you can win it... Then decide if you want lawyer with you for that one or just show up and to it yourself. Use that child has called and said she wants to come live with you and that she is asthmatic and can take care of her needs better...as grandparents are smoking in home and she is complaining to you.

Call family court there and ask them how to file:
*temporary emergency custody...(you should be there for this one..has more power for judge to see father willing to take child)
*contempt of court
*modification of visitation
Some places have it online and you can just send it in....dont have to go until court date

Get that report from school if they are willing to give it to you. OR contact that teacher. You can always call teacher in as a witness in a trial. See what they are willing to tell him, write down dates and times if you remember.

The distance will be an issue...you cant do the dr appts as much as you would like. How often do you see them now? Maybe get the older one counseling through school....call the school and see if they can talk to her.

Some orders state "no one will smoke inside with the children. This includes smoking in the car due to child's medical condition as well as second hand smoke issue. Both parents will be responsible for enforceing this while in their care"

You can hand in contempts all at once but I wouldnt go back too far...anything with solid proof ...hand in...web cam incidents then ask for more details..."mother will set up webcam immediatley and allow children to talk to dad on xx days at xx times" 
Visit contempts...you need to prove you went to half way point...so buy gas or candy bar...save receipt...see if local police will write a report so you have that too...we go to the police station directly so they dont have to send a car.
If you have any...file them too ..

The car seat will be a modification the next time you are in court...you want that addressed to be specific...

[Dustoff32]

I appreciate the response and thanks for the advice.  Do you have any suggestions on a good book that will help me prepare my case and give me some insight to the process.

[ocean]

I dont know any book on the process as each state is different and sometimes each judge is different.

If you want the emergency hearing you should do it ASAP. SO you can say when I found out, I made arrangements to get custody.