Excessive(?) phone calls during visits

[jgaff78]

I was just wondering what most parents would consider to be excessive phone calls from the CP during visits with the NCP. We are in a long-distance situation so my SD (she's 8 now) only comes to see us 4 times a year (during the major breaks from school). BM insists on calling nearly every day when she is with us. These phone calls can sometimes last for a half hour to an hour at a time.

This Christmas, SD came with a prepaid cell phone with 120 minutes on it. Since Dec. 19 she has used up the entire 120 minutes plus used some time on her dad's cell phone when she couldn't get reception on her phone while we were at my parent's house for 3 days. BM calls almost daily and has other people she knows call often as well. We don't mind having her keep in touch with friends and family from home while she is with us, but it seems excessive and intrusive on our limited time with her. If SD was asking to call BM that often, we wouldn't interfere. But these phone calls are not SD's idea, it's BM's way of checking up on her and butting into our time with her. BM seems to feel like SD will forget her if she does not speak to her every day she is gone.

I know we are not allowed to interfere with SD's communication with BM, but is there a way to get BM to see that she is intruding on our time with SD? We have jokingly said that we would wait until SD is back home with BM and call her every day so BM might see things from our perspective. But we don't really want to be that petty and we don't feel that it is fair to SD to intrude on her life in that way. We feel she should be able to live a normal life without our constant interference, unfortunately BM does not feel the same way. If we can't get BM to see how intrusive she is being and agree to call less often in the future, is there any way to get it written into a visitation order that phone calls be limited? Are we over-reacting or would frequent calls truly be considered intrusive on our parenting time?

[ocean]

You can set up times she calls her mother. Since it is long distance, once a day for a few minutes is okay. Come up with a time you feel is good. Every morning? so then you can say, let's go, we are leaving....or every night and then say..okay..time to brush your teeth. Then leave phone off or mute and have voicemail answer it. Put it in kitchen so it doesnt interfere. Tell her she can always call her mother if she needs to. Then enjoy your time with her.
Since she used her minutes...that is it, now she calls mom only once a day. No more friends...she is 8 not 16....

[jgaff78]

These are not friends of my SD that are calling, they are friends of BM. She has her roommates call or "Aunt" so-and-so. There have only been two family members of BM's who have called. The rest of the calls are from people BM knows.

SD was instructed by BM not to turn the phone off the entire time she was here, not even at night. When we were at my parents' home for 3 days over Christmas, there was no reception for the phone and it automatically went to emergency call only status. BM called and left a voice-mail message telling us off for turning off her phone. So we had to explain that the phone was not off and that she wouldn't be able to use the phone while we were there. We allowed her to use our phones to call on Christmas day and still got phone calls several times a day from BM until we returned home and SD could use her phone again.

The other reason it bothers us that she calls so often is that SD regresses about 3-4 years every time she speaks to BM. She starts talking in babytalk and acting more helpless. She just acts as if she is 3-4 years younger than she actually is when she talks to BM. It's already difficult for us to get her to act her age and be more independent when she is with us, it makes it even harder when BM is reinforcing the immaturity on a daily basis.

[ocean]

Your house, Your rules... Period.
Have a family meeting and say at your moms house you have rules, at school you have rules, and dads house you have rules and they are all different. Different bedtimes, what you eat, and phone rules. In our house the phones go in the kitchen and when you want to  make a call you go and get the phone. I called mom and told her you will call one time a day to say good morning. Then we put the phone back into the kitchen. It doesnt have to go to the store or family house becuase you talked to mom already and if their is an emergency she can call our phones. (YOU dont answer yours and let it go to voicemail)

Your Dh has to call the mother and tell her the child will call her each day at XX time to say good morning or night. Period, the end. If you have email or can text the mother, do that so she doesnt just yell. Simple..."The phone you send does not always work in our area, child can call you whenever she chooses and I will make sure she calls at XX each day.". Phone goes in kitchen and she can rant and yell as much as she wants to th e voicemail.....dont pick up. She wants the control in your house....Wonder what would happen if the phone got accidently wet??? LOL

[snowrose]

I agree that the calling seems excessive.  As to the cell phone, your house - your rules.  BM cannot dictate your households rules as to cell phone or any telephone usage, and as long as you don't cut SD off in the extreme she really can't say a thing.

What is the call schedule like when SD is at BM's?  How often does DH speak to SD?  Why not mirror that schedule.  It's not like BM can tell you that the schedule she keeps your DH to can be wrong. 

If you have email conversations with BM, I would communicate your new rules to BM using that.  That way you have a papertrail of what you're doing.

Ocean posted while I was posting.  Just wanted to add her post is very reasonable.  Maybe you could combine what she's said and what I've said.

[Kitty C.]

One thing I would do first, before implementing any cell phone plan.......if at all possible, get a print-out of all the calls, especially for this past holiday season while your SD was with you.  Calls from BM and 'friends' and calls to her.  Get the documentation in hand.  Because if the BM wants to be that anal about it, you can just bet she will pitch a fit and file in court because (in her mind) YOU prevented communication between SD and her.

If you can't get the call records because the cell acct. is in BM's name, have it subpoenaed if the case gets to court.  I would not be surprised if the BM drops the case when that happens, because she'll know it will expose her.

So when she wants to drag this petty issue through court, you have documentation in hand of how excessive her calling was and can also hand over YOUR rules of the house regarding calls and reasons for implementing the rules.  Then watch BM backpedal and stutter when the judge asks her why she was calling so excessively.  Once that happens, demand that BM be ordered to pay ALL court costs and atty. fees, for dragging you and everyone else into court over her frivolous motion.

Basically, stand your ground........YOUR house, YOUR rules..........

[MomofTwo]

What do the orders say about phone communication?  While everyone can agree it may be excessive, none of that matters if the orders give her telephone time each day for up to an hour.  It all really depends on the court orders.

[MissDesire]

My Fiance's ex wife insist on calling the children at least daily. They are 3 and 5 and she gets angry if they don't want to talk, claiming that my fiance is poisoning them against her and all this nonsense. What kind of phone etiquette does she expect a 3 year old to have?

It does say in his parenting plan that if the other parent calls you have 24 hours for the child to return the call. His ex wife had them on Christmas Eve and returned them at 10:00pm that evening. She called on Christmas Day during his time with them and we let it go to voicemail and had the children call her the next day. It's best to set the rules in your house, sure she could have a phone card and instructions that she needs to her phone on at all times, but she is in YOUR house and it is YOUR time with her.

[phil]

If you are busy or have plans, have daughter return the call when it is more convenient.  If you aren't busy, let the child talk to her, but your house, your rules.  That being said,  Momoftwo is right though, don't ignore court orders. Make sure you comply with any orders set forth. 

[Shanni]

I also had this problem with BM calling the kids on a constant basis.  We set that she can call between 7 and 8 pm every evening and the kids know that this is their time if they choose to call her if she doesn't call them first.  We also allow them to call her on the big holidays during the day but that is her call for the day.  She was not happy with this rule when it was put in place but after being told by the courts our house our rules she has pretty much abided by it. Doesn't mean she likes it and every one in a while will try to get froggy and jump but I just calmly remind her what the courts said about this issue.. If she tries to call any time other than that it goes to voicemail and the kids listen to it later.. I also keep thier phone in the kitchen in the same place so if they choose to call her at 7 pm they know where the phone is.