Informed last night

[DDS]

According to my ex, she told me last night I will NOT get any overnight visitation until he is 2 years old. She claims it is her right to do this as a mother.
Obviously I'm going to court now as soon as I can afford a lawyer.

[ShellyD]

WRONG. My brother had a child out of wedlock and split with the mother before the baby was born. She was born in August and he had overnights by December. Of course, you will have to have it court ordered since she's already showing herself to be uncooperative and unwilling to facilitate your relationship with your child. Check IL for a standard visitation law. If there is one on file, use it as a guideline for your filing. BTW, once you have something ready to file, share it with us. There are plenty of people here that will critique it and give you pointers based on our personal fights.

Things to make sure you cover:

1.specific drop-off/pick-up times and places. If you are concerned she won't show, make it some place public that you can easily prove you were there - like a McDonald's. Purchase a drink/ keep the receipt for exact time you are supposed to make the exchange whether she shows or not.  This pretty much ensures you have witnesses to any altercations.

2. First right of refusal. For example, she wants to take a 1 week Caribbean vacation. You get the first choice to keep the child over her aunt or some unknown babysitter.

3. Your Bday and Father's Day every year, not to mention the child's bday (maybe every other year).

4. tax exemption status depending on how much CS you pay versus how much money she makes. We got every other year. It's worth a shot asking for it.

5. who pays for travel if you are long distance or if either parent moves more then xx miles away from the current location

6. Consider "before school age" vs "after school age" plans so you don't have to return to court once the child goes to school

There's plenty more, but these are things that we consistently see asked about here at SPARC. Usually after it's too late to deal with in court.

[Kitty C.]

A few things to ALWAYS keep in mind, DDS.........

Your ex can claim, bitch, and pontificate all she wants to, but until there is a court order stating otherwise, what she wants is exactly that........what she wants.  She 'told' you that you will not get overnights until the child is 2 only because SHE wants it that way......doesn't mean it will happen that way in court.  That's why you need to get at least temp. orders as soon as possible and to educate yourself on your state laws and custody in general.

So be prepared for her to push this kind of crap all the time and if she ever says anything like it again, tell her to SHOW you the court order (what's funny is that if you haven't been to court yet, there's no possible way she can!) that says what she's claiming.  Right now and until you do get a court order at least defining temp. custody and parenting time, you are at her mercy.  But once you have any kind of CO specifying who has custody and parenting time and when, that is what you will follow.  Also be prepared for her to totally disregard any orders once they're made.  Keep track of how often she does it and in what situations.  Compile enough of them and take her back to court for contempt. 

Given the way she's acting already, make sure your atty. mentions to the judge that both parties must be aware that any orders must be followed to a T.  Thus the reason for specific details in the orders, so there's no chance of misinterpretation and wiggle room.  Some orders call for sanctions (repercussions) for disobeying orders, like if the CP refuses to allow the NCP parenting time, then parenting time is taken away from the CP.  Some sanctions can be pretty stiff, like too many dirty drug tests can warrant a change or loss of custody.  Pray you don't have to go there.......

[DDS]

well luckily I don't do drugs and I RARELY drink.

her only thing on me is that I was put on Anti Depressants after my ex before her broke up with me to help me deal with that. She is lording that around saying that I'm unstable and she doesn't trust me with him at all. I have not been allowed to leave anywhere with him by myself ever.

I know it's not right what's she's doing, but I'm hoping the courts see that too.

[ShellyD]

well luckily I don't do drugs and I RARELY drink.

her only thing on me is that I was put on Anti Depressants after my ex before her broke up with me to help me deal with that. She is lording that around saying that I'm unstable and she doesn't trust me with him at all. I have not been allowed to leave anywhere with him by myself ever.

I know it's not right what's she's doing, but I'm hoping the courts see that too.

Just don't let your emotions get the worst of you. Educate yourself. Stick to the facts that you need to get the court to order what's best for the child. It's very easy to let the tit-for-tat between you and her overshadow the best interest's of the baby. Keep his best interests in mind at all time. You may not be on the anti-depressants for long. She will be controlling and manipulative forever. And I can say that with over 40 years of experience in dealing with my own parent's divorce, my husband's Daughter's mother (20 yrs) and my brother's daughter's mother for 10 yrs.

[DDS]

actually my prescriptions ran out back in june and I haven't been on them since.
Shelly, is that something my lawyer should put together for me when I get one? Or should I just go without a lawyer till I get the money and just get visitation orders now?

[Kitty C.]

Actually, what I was talking about was all the crap she will try to pull on you and all the ways she might disregard the CO once it's in place.

Personally, judges deal with much worse 'substance and mental health issues' than what you've stated here, so she's barking up the wrong tree there.  Let her blow all the hot air...and watch her eat crow when the judge tells her your 'anti-depressant' history doesn't mean squat to the custody situation.  That one will leave her talking to herself, LOL!

What I've learned from being here almost since inception and all the dealings with SS's BM is that the louder they holler, the wronger they are.........

....and it feels SO good to see them proven wrong!

(I know that ain't gramatically correct, but it sounded good!)   

[ShellyD]

actually my prescriptions ran out back in june and I haven't been on them since.
Shelly, is that something my lawyer should put together for me when I get one? Or should I just go without a lawyer till I get the money and just get visitation orders now?

If you are referring to the items I listed before, you can put together the papers yourself. Check with your state or local court to see if they possibly have some fill-in-the blank forms. There are books available with fill-in the blank forms. My husband used The Complete Guide to Unmarried Parent's Rights (Stanley, Sphinx Publishing).

As for the lawyer, hire at your own risk. Get referrals for lawyers that are father-friendly. That was my husband's mistake. He forked over $3000 and she basically did nothing we asked her and was a disaster at the hearing. Afterwards, I used her motions as templates, removed her name and dropped in DH's name/pro se.

If you want to test the waters, it's much cheaper to pay the filing fee and take your chances. No judge will deny you basic visiation rights even if you jack the whole thing. Judges are a little more lenient on pro se if you appear to be humble and just seeking what is in the best interest of the child. You'll have a gut feeling what you should do after that. There are plenty of people here to help.

[Davy]

I suspect OP is aware of how PC and corrupt Cook county and IL are but may not realize how that translates to his situation.

As I recall, IL still practices the tender years doctrine and the juduciary and others oppose joint custody concepts.  Might be reflected in posts on the ILLINOIS forum.

With or without an attorney OP should be braced for a difficult time just in case and maybe not even being heard.  Just a dose of evil to help prepare and help provide the encouragement to move beyond and fight back.