I'm new with lots of issues.

[greenthumbls]

  I have joint custody of my son with standard visitation modified a little so he can still attend church with his mother on Sundays. I have not got to keep him for a weekend in over 2 years. She put him on speaker phone and I could actually hear her telling him what to say to me. She fights with me on speakerphone and urging our son to jump in and take up for her. I don't know where he lives, I don't know his home phone number, she only gives me her cell phone. My ex-wife lets my mother get my son sometimes but my mother is instructed not to bring him to my house. I live an hour and a half from my mother and never know when he is coming so can't schedule around work to go over there and see him. I can get a lawyer but I'm afraid it will only make things harder on our son. She puts him in the middle and makes him choose, she tells him horrible things about me. If he tells me anything she said like wanting to take me to court and have my last name taken from him, she spanks him and says he is lying. She wouldn't return my calls at first over a year ago, now she has my number blocked and everyone who I might try to call from numbers blocked.

[ocean]

You have a court order that states exactly when you get him?
If you do, send her the letter from this site that you will be picking up your son as court ordered on XX dates...list the next month of dates. Send that letter registered without signature so they will deliver it to her and she does not have to sign for it (but you get evidence that it was delivered).

Then go and try to pick up child. If she refuses...get police report. In some states they may not want to give you a report. Try to get something in writing. IF not, then go buy something at the closest gas station to prove you were in the area.

If she refuses to give child to you, take police report and go to the family court that handled case before and file contempt of court papers as mother is denying your court ordered time.

If/When you go back to court:
Have pick up times from school if possible, this way mother is not around
Have mother will not interfere with phone calls on XX days of the week at XX times.
Get rid of the sunday church stuff. Offer to take child on your time to your church or fight to get that eliminated. Your time, is your time.
Ask for counseling for child and YOU. This will give son another view on what is going on and not from you.
Mother will give father all new addresses and phone numbers as soon as they change. Parents will use email/text in non-emergency conversations.

How old is child?

Document anything you are doing/trying/ all visits. If you get him on the phone again, TAPE it. It may not be able to be used in court, but can be used at a counselors office, police officer, or law guardian to listen to.

[greenthumbls]

The court order states the days of the week from Friday at 4pm till Sunday 8am. We alternate holidays.
The child is 8 years old.
And you just stated an idea that I had earlier. We have a taped conversation of her calling me on speaker phone while she told him what to say, he got tongue, told his mother to wait a minute he couldn't say all that. He tried to cover the phone so I couldn't hear that bad things she was saying about me but she told him to uncover the phone that she didn't care if I heard that or not. I told my son numerous times I loved him and he didn't need to be hearing mine and mommy's arguments, it wasn't his fault we were arguing, but my ex said, He needs to hear this. I know I can't use it in court but maybe a counselor could hear it and talk to him. He needs someone he can talk to about these things.

[MixedBag]

1.  Buy a copy of Divorce Poison -- I must be his biggest advertiser -- but the book is awesome and talks about what kind of mental games get played after divorce and how to counter act those games.

2.  Careful about what you're complaining about -- just wanna point out what you're saying in your very first sentence.  "I have not got to keep him for a weekend in over 2 years." is something unique to your divorce because as you stated yours is modified so that the child can go with Mom to church......so it's really not a valid complaint, because THAT's what your order says.

3.  Now, on the flip side, pull out your order, write the EX a VERY short letter stating that you will use your rights as the child's father and exercise ALL parenting time allowed by the court, period.

4.  Check your order and your state's statutues/laws to see if MOM must tell you where she lives.

5.  If you have joint custody -- like you said -- go to the child's school and review their school records.  That should include her current address.

6.  Check your order to see what it says about phone contact.  If the order says nothing, silent, you may have to go back to court and request that it be added.  And if you decided to do that, there's no guarantee that the court will add it at this point.  If it says something, remind Mom what it says, and if she continues to deny, court is your only option to get her to fall in line.  Also, understand this -- many many families or homes do not HAVE a home line in this day and age.  Cell phones have changed "life" as it was just a few years ago.    Even I've changed -- my home phone is forwarded to my cell phone all the time, so I can get calls all the time, and I use a landline ONLY for outgoing calls and faxes.....and don't blow my minutes.  And if you have a cell with unlimited minutes, where's the need for a home phone?  Think about it.....technology has changed how "we" handle whether or not to have a home phone line.   Concentrate yourself on the contact issue not LAND line.  k???

7.  Let her know that you are recording all of your phone calls between yourself, and your child, and her.  I was gonna say give her a reason, like for court, or counselling, but less words are better.  That way SHE knows she is being recorded and stuff too and that levels the playing field.    O.k., slap me now, but I was watching Dr. Phil (while working/sewing!), the other day and he said something that hit home about recording.  He had two hostile parents on the show and dad recorded mom, but didn't TELL mom.  So Dr. Phil said that gave DAD an unfair advantage because DAD knew to behave because he was being recorded, and Mom didn't.  What about all the other times when DAD knew he wasn't being recorded and what was his behavior like then?    Good point.  I'm a believer in recording.  BUT I've also ran across two judges who were rather upset (once at EX#3 and once at EX#2), for doing so.    BUT the mediator (in EX#3's case/I was SM), appreciated hearing her in action -- and she knew she was being recorded and didn't care.

8.  And all that Ocean said!!!!

[greenthumbls]

I'm am purchasing the book now as we speak. What I mean when i say I haven't got him a weekend in over 1 1/2 years is my son has not been to my house in over 1 1/2 years. She refuses me to take him to my home or take him anywhere for that matter. After 18 months of no word from her or my son, she tells me she has been busy and that is the reason she has not returned any of my calls. I have been calling her to set up arrangements to get him for a weekend but she blows me off with call her tomorrow or she is too busy to talk. When I call her tomorrow, she wont answer any of my calls. She does have a landline phone and I was notified last night by her husband (who my son calls daddy, like he did her husband before that) who called me in response to me trying to call her all day that they were not going to give me the home phone number to their house or not give me directions to where they live. He said the reason they were not answering their cell phones when I called is because they don't want to talk to me and they don't have time for me. I asked them to make time for our son then they hang up the phone. The order is not specific by any means, it is vague with every other weekend and alternate holidays, it says nothing about phone conversations, I'm just trying to re-establish a bond with my son before it's too late. All this time she keeps him away, he thinks I don't love him. When I try to call, she tells our son I am starting arguments with her. Last time I tired to take her to court to get my visitation enforced , she told our son I wanted to put her in jail.

[ocean]

Our BM told the kids the same thing about jail....

Go to child's school and request records to get address or call them and fax any proof they need and have them send it to you (there is a letter on this site that you can send the school if they are giving you a hard time, it is the law. Get out a calendar and start from the court date until now and find out which weekend is yours and pick child up. Then once you have child you bring him to your house. Period. You do not need her permission during your time. Do not bring him back until Sunday. If she calls police, let them see order, they will tell her to come back sunday.

What do you do when you pick him up for your time now? If she is letting him in the car with you, do what is above, if she wont leave you alone, send letter below.

Send her a short letter:
Ex,
We have a court order for parenting time dated XXX. I will be exercising all my court ordered visitation time. My next court ordered weekend is XXX and every other weekend after that. I will see XX next Friday at 4pm. If you do not follow the court order, I will be forced to file contempt of court papers. XX needs both parents in his life. Also, all future phone calls will be taped.
You.

She has been already hostile and not allowed you to be there for you son so usually my letters are nicer but lay down the facts. Try to pick him up the next time, get that police report, and take it back to court.

What happened the last time you went to court?
If you do file in court for contempt you can ask that she pay your lawyer fees as she is not following the court order....

[greenthumbls]

I have not been able to pick him up at all. I have not had a visitation with my son in over a year and a half. When I call a few times trying to talk to him, she changes her phone number.

When I took her to court last time, I represented myself and they done nothing about the visitation contempt I filed for, the judge told me to catch up my child support in two months or she would put me in jail. That was it. She would not even hear my case after my ex telling her I was a month behind in child support. The judge said she was withholding visitation from me because she was stressed out over money.

Two years ago she got into the car with him and refused to get out of it. A police officer had to tell her to get out or he was going to cuff her, and she refused again. The policeman talked to her and said let him go this time and see how it goes. She finally got out of my car.

I have made an appointment with a lawyer for the end of this week. Hopefully, we can have my current order modified (very particularly) and enforced. You guys have been great with your advice. A person feels like they are alone in situations like this.

[gemini3]

I think you need to play hardball.  Things probably will get a little harder on your son at first, but it will get better if you follow the right steps - and not matter what, it's better than growing up without his father in his life.  A lot of things are probably happening because you're letting your ex get away with it.  Stop doing it.  Now.

The book Divorce Poison is good, also the book Divorce Casualties by Douglas Darnall.  I like the second one because it gives you specific, actionable things you can do to combat the alienation.

The first thing you need to do is stop allowing her to violate the custody order without any consequences.  It is a court order and she does not have a choice in the matter.  Are you supposed to have parenting time this weekend?  If so, use the "Intent to Exercise Parenting Time" letter on this site.  Modify it to your specific circumstances, and mail it to her via certified mail.  Then, show up to pick up your son at the specified date and time.  if she refuses, call the police to come make a report.  If you can't get them to come out, then go to the nearest gas station and make a small purchase, then save the receipt to prove that you were there.  Then, on Monday, go to the courthouse and file a motion to show cause.  Do this every time if you have to.

When you talk to your son on the phone, totally ignore what she says.  Just tell your son that you love him very much, and you are looking forward to the next time you can be together.  Then, if she's on the other side telling him to say nasty things to you, just politely say goodbye and hang up.

Start keeping a journal of these things - the date and time you called, and whether or not she had the phone on speaker, etc, whether or not she allowed you to see your son, any written communication from her regarding visitation. 

BTW - some states are one party states, and you could use the phone call.