verbal agreements

[allforher]

Hi.  I am wondering if anyone can give some advice.  Currently my daughter has week on week off visitation schedule between me and her father.  We used to live out of state but 18 months ago we moved to the same state her Dad lives in.  I thought only fair that she start with weekly visitation, very liberal.  Only, 9 months later I get heckled about week on week off supposedly because my daughter wanted it.  NOw, she's 10 and can't come up with this herself, as a matter of fact one year before we moved to this state she came home from a summer visit talking about court and a  week on week off schedule.  I don't think it's a coincidence, I had told her father that very summer we were planning on moving and that his state was on our list.

Anyway, so through verbal abuse and guilt trips from her father, I folded and we have been doing the week on week off for 2 months.  It is creating so much more tension for her father and I and I am getting more and more assaulting emails and finger pointing about what I do with my life and in my home. 

OUr child is in therapy because she began to have behavioral issues last summer before the week on week off.  She is such a different girl now, which is expected to some degree considering she now has two homes and spends more time with her Dad. I never expected her to become violent or so disrespectful though.

Everything I have read leads me to believe that this current schedule does not work and is not in the best interest of the child unless the parents get along and are civil.  I have tried my best to leave his life alone, only requesting information concerning medical insurance, living arrangements, etc.  He is bipolar and has admitted he is not on medication as he needs to be.  I truly feel this is hindering a civil relationship between us.  Simple things like coordinating time and travel for extra curriculars turns into him attacking me.  I really want us to get along and I have tried my best, I go to my own therapist, we've tried coparenting therapy, etc.  Nothing is working.  I essentially have given him everything he's wanted, even though I was skeptical and concerned for our child.  I decided to trust that things would smooth out and now I am realizing that it may never be civil between us. 

The worst part is knowing he has a child with yet another woman, and he has no rights at all to that child.  There is no custody arrangement and he gets her every other weekend, he pays CS but he is not even on the birth certificate.  He treats this other mother so much differently. 

I know i need a backbone but I am so worried to hurt our daughter.

[ocean]

You do not have to do anything that is not court ordered ....and will not get in trouble with the courts.

What do the last set of court orders say? Was that when you were far away?

Go to family court and ask for a modification to visitation...Will her therapist back you and say this change need to happen?

Send email/letter to ex when child gets back to you (and then he has a week to calm down...)
Ex,
As you know XX has been having major behavior issues since we tried the weekly schedule. It is not working. I have petitioned the court to change the old visitation plan into a short distanced plan. Wile we await the court day, I am willing to bring her to you every other weekend from XX time on Friday to XX time on Sunday. If you would like her a day during the week for dinner, let me know which day would work for you. It would also be great if you can start coming to her therapy sessions so we can co-parent her and get her back on track. Please use email to communicate with me about this issue and I do not want XX in the middle.
Thanks
You

[allforher]

Yes the old CO is from out of state, so nothing is set for instate yet, we have a status hearing soon.  However, I am sure he will push for week on week off and use his mothers money for some high powered attorney.  Actually, the therapist thought it would be a good idea to do week on week off even though she new our daughters father and I didn't get along.  HOwever, she is in agreement that our relationship is doing her a disservics and damage.  I trusted her and my daughters father.  We stopped therapy due to my own stress and health issues.  I have had panic attacks due to his verbally assaulting emails and just the thought of checkign my email weekly makes me nervous.  I have seen my Dr. and gotten a script for the anxiety issue so maybe I can enter back into therapy.

I have been told to put a restraining order on my daughters father to stop the emails, etc.  since it has been so damaging but I am trying to get over this and work it out with him, however, if and when I decide to stop the current visitation agreement he will blow up and I may actually need one.

[ocean]

Emails are good for evidence.
You can block him and be done with it but then how will you communicate?
You can use the email address he has just for him and make a new one for everyone else. Then when you are up to dealing with his emails open that one up.

You can get a restraining order to ONLY use email. That way he does not talk to you at transfers or rants on phone.

You really need to laugh off his rants on emails. I could show you some horrendous things our PB sent us but we got to the point to ignore and laugh them off. He wants to get to you. Just ignore and answer very simply if you need to.
ex:
"Yes, you can pick her up at 7" ignore all the rest of his rants...

Do you have proof that he is bi-polar? You can request a psych evaluation on him (both of you) and make sure he is taking his meds.

As with you daughter...
Have a family meeting and explain that this is the rules at MOM's. Period, the end. (and here are the consequences for our house). Make the punishments and rewards happen in your house and not involve dad at all.
Write down a few issues you have with her and how she can help her situation. What happens if it happens again, how long will she loose that item, how does she get it back. That way she knows what is expected of her and you go right to the chart.

Ex:
If I am nice to my siblings and help out I can stay up to XX on the weekends. If I have a bad week then I have to go to bed at XX. (now you tell her if they bother her, here a ways she can appropriately deal with them...

If she touches/hits sibling then XX (write apology letter to sibling and loose XX for XX days)

Look for things she want to do so she can earn them and find what she loves in case you have to take away...(tv time, bedtime, cell phone, friends over, extra chore)

Some of this can be the age...

[allforher]

Thanks for the advice.  We have set our boundaries here with her behaviors however, she reverts to the I don't want to be here when she gets her punishment.  Its the typical playing parents against each other to get what she wants thing and he is buying into it deeply. 

ex.
theres an extra curricular conflict one day a week.  She has to miss 30 minutes of a practice due to somethign else that's over in 6 weeks.  I told her she could not quit just because she picked up somethign else, she committed to this but that I would negotiate with her instructor for her to be released early so she could get to practice for a majority of the time.

Dad....says I am a control freak because our daughter wants to get to practice ontime and miss nothing but cut her first commitment time in half.  I am supposed to just roll over and let her make the decisions because it is HER activity

Then....on the other hand, when it comes to HER vacation this summer to see one of her uncles on my side of the family he refused to negotiate another time frame when somethign came up during the originally scheduled time frame.  So, we got smart and decided that since the interruption was only for 5 days that I would give up more of my time so she could spend with it with her Uncle.  Now, I am supposed to tell her no when it's clearly somethign she wanted to do.

How does someone contradict themselves like that. On one hand I do not let her make decisions for herself, then when I do on a different topic concerning my family, then I should not and I was wrong.

I understand he is thinking is advocating for our daughter but this is getting rediculous.  She is exposed to so much and the fact her father and I don't agree is always in her face, its terrible.

I do not have proof but my attorney will know what to do with that if we have to go there.  I hope we don't.  I just want my daughter to be happy again.  I don't care that she be gone every other week, I just can't continue to watch her change and decline is such a negative way

[ocean]

If the activity is on your time, then you deal with it. If he has her on his week, he should know what is going on and he handles it his way. That is a parenting issue and difference of opinion. She could of been late 3 times and on time 3 times until the first activity is over. BUT his time, he calls the shots.

If your daughter says she likes dad's house better. Oh well....(LOL). We have to teach our kids and not be their friend. IF she talks back, she needs a consequence for that. If it is really bad or gets out of hand, empty her room and remove the door. She can earn things back. Since dad is not on board, deal with it in your house and leave him out of it unless it is major thing at school. He should be taking care of issues at his house, you, your house.

When daughter sees she is not going to get her way or you are afraid she may say she wants to live with dad, things will calm down. She needs consistency. Keep with the chart. She sounds like a pre-teen Not fun years...even in-tact families...

[allforher]

Ugg... I never thought I'd have a preteen issue this early on.  Wow, I was oblivious till I was about 12 or 13 honeslty, then I got the attitude etc, but I never talked back to my parents like this.

I agree with you on the his time my time thing.  We have begun to work more like that so I thought, it's funny, I even have an email where he talked about how we should not be concerned about the others business and what we do in our own homes.  He said that with his other childs mother thats what they do and they don't argue or have issues.  Then 10 days later I get several emails pointing fingers at me for choices I have made in my life and how it is affecting our child.  How the way I parent is not in support of our daughter wants and desires, etc.    What a shocker.......

I have asked him not to email me again because of all the stress I am in, etc.  I suppose I can send the therapist an email about some ideas and see if she can work some magic with him.  Though, we have already gone through this once with her, evidently he didn't get it.