mediation... what to expect?

[good_dad]

Hello everyone.

I'm a dad of 2.  Been going through divorce for 7 months now.  Background:  I filed for divorce after wife took kids and moved out with no notice.  refused at first to let me see kids.  My lawyer and hers hashed out an extended visitation schedule, and we have temp orders in place, but i'm not 100% happy with them.  we have joint physical and legal.  she has about 60% of time, i have 40%.  A bit of alienation on her part has been occurring. She has sent letters to doctors, counselors, etc, stating that because she is the primary custodian, they are not to share appointment times, etc with me so i can attend.  refuses to let kids call me sometimes.  signs kids up for activities that occur on MY parenting time, which are impossible for me to take them to because of prior scheduled events, so the kids get upset with me. it's a long story. 

anyways, what i really am wondering is what to expect in mediation.  at first she refused to go.  then, after it was scheduled to go before a judge, she agreed (because the judge would order it anyways).  thing is, we requested a half day, and she actually requested a FULL day.  SHE submitted a proposed division of assets and liabilities with the court, and she wants NOTHING than what she already has.  no money, NOTHING.  left me the house, and everything in it.  She took one car (which has debt, that SHE wants) and her clothing.  She has since bought a house, and furnished it.  I can't imagine what to expect in mediation.  Ideally, I would like 50% of the time with my kids.  I'm currently paying all daycare costs, and some CS, which is lower than what would be ordered by the court, but she agreed to it in the temp orders. 

How does the mediation work?  should i be asking for more than what i actually want, so we can "haggle down" and agree to something?  I hate the idea of that.  I have been fair through all of this, and i do not want to take my children from her... I only want what I believe is right, and fair to the children AND us as parents. 

And advice is appreciated.

[tigger]

This board is no longer monitored by a lawyer.  You should repost under one of the other forums to garner responses.  (Either Father's issues, custody, etc.)

[RoosterC]

Im not a lawyer, and I cannot offer advice.
What I can say is that You are Definitely Not Alone.
the first paragraph sounded like I or a dozen other fellows I know could have written it, virtually word for word.
It doesnt take long for an ex inclined to do so to realize that, as the mother, they can pull all sorts of alienating behavior. And all youll do if your an informed decent father, is take it and fight the uphill battle, overcome the roadblocks, spend time gently mending manipulated feelings, etc.
For some pointers buy the book 'Divorce Poison'. It will guide you well if you really follow it.
But ten years in with my 50/50 threatened yet again and half my time spent cleaning up after whatever mud gets thrown, Id advise setting a limit and when its passed, take action. And document everything, not that the matriarchal system will pay attention to evidence, but you can always try.

[GrandmaOf1]

We have custody of our 4 yr old Grandson. We had a mediation in January. Our Attorney advised us to draw up 3 lists. The GOOD. The BAD. and the UGLY. The Good list write down everyything you would like if you knew the Judge would grant you anything you asked for. The Bad being what would you perhaps not be so happy with but be willing to accept and could live with. The Ugly being the worst possible scenerios. Take a lot of time to reflect on those lists. Find what factors you really must have and what you can "give" on. And be prepared to give as much as take. That helped us to a degree.

He had us to prepare a short 5 minute presentation as to why we where the suitable folks to have custody of this child. NO finger pointing and name calling. Any claims to be backed up with concrete evidence.

HUGE help on this forum are links to parenting plans. Go ahead and have one completed with what you would like, your ideas of how to co parent. To show you are serious about this and have given it thought, Leave NO room for wiggle room. Whatever you agree to could be in force for a long time. You want to be happy with it.

Good luck and hope this helps.

GrandmaOf1

[gemini3]

Everyone's mediator is different.  Some states/counties have specific guidelines or best practices, others leave it totally up to the mediator.  You can usually google "child cutody + mediation + your state/county" and find what the guidelines are for your area.

I personally personally approach mediation like a negotiation, which I do on a daily basis for my job.  I lay out specific goals, then ask the other party what their goals are.  (Your mediator should do this.)  Then go down the list and address each one.  You should expect to win on some and lose on some.  It's always a good idea to go through your list of requests and know which one's you're willing to negotiate on and which ones you're not.  Also be prepared for which items you think she'll resist, and what things she might be motivated to bargain for.  Try to be as detached as possible when you're going through the process.  It helps to not get caught up in petty arguments and old resentments.  Just try to stick to the matter at hand as best you can.

Try to address each one of your items, and get her agreement that they be included in the parenting plan.  If she objects, find out the reason she objects to the item, and provide any evidence you might have that the item is necessary.  Remember, you don't have to agree to anything or give up anything in mediation.  The judge will have the final say in what's included or not, if you're unable to agree on it.  If she simply won't agree to any of your "must have's", then you can ask the judge to include them.  In most cases the judge will as long as it's a reasonable request.   

So, for your case, you're definitely going to want to address medical records, telephone communication, and extra-curricular activities.  You should also look at the articles section of this site, which has some sample parenting plans.  There is also an article called "Avoiding Parent Plan Mistakes" that everyone should read.  It will save you a lot of time, money and frustration in the future.  (http://deltabravo.net/custody/pplanmistakes.php (http://deltabravo.net/custody/pplanmistakes.php))

In addition to what is covered in the sample plans on this site, there are two things that I think everyone should include.  We have learned the hard way on these.

1.  Funeral / Death Clause:  It not uncommon for a parent to deny the other extra parenting time when a family member passes so that the children can attend the funeral.  Or, if you know that a family member is about to pass, so that the children can have a chance to visit and say their goodbyes.  This happened when my father passed.  It was BM's parenting time, and she would not allow them to attend the funeral, even though they were very close with him.  Since that happened, we have gotten the CO revised, and included the following clause:

"In the event of the death of any of the children's immediate family (i.e.: grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and/or siblings), or the death of a step-parent or the step-parent's immediate family, the parents whose family is affected shall be granted up to three (3) days of additional parenting time to attend the funeral."

2.  Medical records:  Most states have a statute that requires the release of medical records to a child's parent, custodial or not.  However, especially since the advent of HIPAA, I have seen a lot of problems for NCP's getting access to the medical records.  The doctor's office won't release because of HIPAA, and they don't want to get into interpreting custody orders, etc.  If the NCP files contempt, the parent says that they are fine with it and they "didn't know" the doctor wouldn't release them, etc, etc.  I've found the best way around this is to have the following in the CO:

"Each parent shall see that all state, legal, medical, surgical, dental, psychiatric, psychological, test, criminal, and school records for said children are available and accessible to the other parent.  To facilitate this process, each parent shall ensure that the other parent is listed as an authorized party with all of the above entities.  Each parent shall ensure that a signed HIPAA release form authorizing the other parent's access to the child's records is maintained in the file of any and all dentists, physician's or any other entity subject HIPAA regulation."

Regarding the alienation... there's only so much a CO can do to prevent that sort of thing.  But there are a lot of things you can do as a parent to counteract it, especially given the generous amount of time you have with your children.  I recommend two books on the subject:  Divorce Poison, and Divorce Casualties.  (You can find them both on Amazon).  Both contain effective strategies for dealing with alienation.

Good luck!