Emancipation

[Sietaer]

Uh, ok here's the story. I am 15. In April on the 16th I will be 16. I have had my suspisions for a while. I didn't REALLY think my dad was doing this, but I thought maybe. I had suspisions because sometimes when it was late at night I'd go into the office where the computer was and my dad would jump in his seat and quickly click the close button on the window he was on or once he just clicked the computer off all together. Well, today he was on the computer and I told him that when he got done not to disconnect because I wanted to use it. He said ok. Well, an hour later he knocked on my door and I went to get on the computer. He was on some kind of weather website and I clicked the "back" button to get out of it. Well, it took me to his yahoo mail account. Lots of stuff there. Most from one woman, I read them and apparently he'd been talking to this woman for a while. In one of them he talked about how he had two children and was married and was looking for a relationship that actually worked. Needless to say that right now I am pissed. Becaue all this happened a few hours ago. Well, so now I know he's cheating on my step-mom. Who I love very much. A lot of the other email were like that one I just mentioned. A couple of others from different women that I guess he didn't hit it off with.
     Now... I know that the longer I allow this to go on the more hurt my step-mom will be, so I want to end it fast. But I know that they will divorce. I wont live with my dad. Not with a cheater. And while I love my step-mom very much (she's the sweetest person you'll ever meet) I know that I cant live with her either. Because you see, I'll never be able to be myself around her. I am gay. She AND my dad dont like gay people. (I now know how much of a hypocritacal bastard my dad is. he doens't talk about it a lot, but he thinks homosexuality is a sin and disgusting.) Well my step-mom agrees with this. Niether of them know about me of course.
     I cant go live with my real mom and her husband. I think the guy has problems and when I lived with them my mother was borderlining physical abuse. She's also a pathological liar, I came to live with my step-mom and dad to get away from them both.
     I have two aunts. One has three children and likes me as much as I like her. I like her as far as I can throw her. (She weighs 300lbs. You do the math)
     The other just had a new baby to go with the one she already has, and her husband is the dumbest man I know. I wouldn't feel safe with him either. I once saw him destroy a house looking for a possum that had gotten in with a pistol.
     So you see, I dont have anywhere to go and am looking towards emancipation. I really see it as the best way to go. I just need some help in how to go about it.

[MixedBag]

At 15 or even 16, that will be tough, period, if not impossible.

Even with all that background you've shared....geez, oh petes...what a crappy situation for you....

When my children and I have tough times,  and I get the "I want to move out", and they are under age, I've told them -- "Hey, I'd love for you to move out so you understand what I'm trying to say to you, BUT until you're out of high school, we're stuck with each other whether either one of us likes it or not."

And I say that to you too -- I believe that you're stuck with your dad or your mom until you're of legal age.

Now in the meantime, what do you do?

You concentrate on school -- nothing less than all B's and A's...

When you turn 16, you do your best to get a job (almost a requirement to be emancipated).....and stick to it.

And then you go back and concentrate on school some more.....like raise those B's to A's....(not asking for perfect, but keep pushing yourself).

And you save up to get a car.....

And after high school, you work on "getting out" and landing on your feet.

I will say that here in AL, legal age is considered 19 regardless of whether you've finished high school.  You can't sign a contract to rent until then....

Now about the family situation....not sure I'd even rock the boat and say anything....but if you are, hope you did some printing because Mr. Denial is gonna show his ugly face.  After that....you're probably gonna have to exist with dad.  

2 1/2 more years....seems like an eternity, but it's not.....but they are important years for you and your future.

[Ref]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Your age is so difficult as it is without all of the added issues you find yourself dealing with.

I first want to tell you that you are not alone. There are so many groups that you can get involved with, whether at your school or even online. just becareful online, you dad could find out prematurely the same way you found out about his affair and there are preditors out there looking for young people in a delicate state. I will put together a list for you if you want to PM me.

Secondly, people are very complex creatures. Alright, that sounds stupid but my point is that your dad can be a good dad and a bad husband and a lousy employee. Just because he is a bad husband doesn't mean that you should think any less of him as a dad.

My father was a great business man, a decent dad but a bad husband. I believe that he cheated on my mom for years. I hated him for this from the time I was about 16 until I was about 18. As I got older I realized that there were extenuating cirumstances that I just didn't empathize with when I was your age. He is gay and struggling with that at the time. He liked my mom but obviously it wasn't going to work. I still believe that it was a wrong thing for him to do, but I have cut him some slack. I love him and he is a great dad now and his relationship with my mom isn't going to effect that in anyway.

Chances are that your dad doesn't have the same excuse as mine, but you don't know what is going on in the private lives of you parents. You know, many times adults will have sex chats online without actually meeting. Is it possible that he is just all talk with this woman? It still isn't great, but it is atleast a little better than having a physical affair.

As far as emacipation goes, I completely agree with MixedBag. You probably wont qualify for it and I really don't think you should attempt it.
I moved out of my mother's house when I was 16. I was lucky enough to move into a friend's mom's house, so my rent was ony $100/month. I worked full time as a waitress and tried to complete highschool. It became too much for me. I had to drop out and I had to move out of that home and pay for a real apartment.  My roomate was over 18, so I wasn't on the lease but I lived there anyway.I got my GED when I was a little over 18, but I have to tell you, all the struggling I went through I would not want to wish on anyone else.

If you have the ability, I would talk to your dad in private about what you read. If you can't talk about it, you should write him a note. Don't discuss this with your stepmom yet. Chances are he will deny his activiteis to you, but at least he knows where you stand. He might even come clean to your stepmom and hopefully stop doing what he is doing.

I think you should talk to someone in these teen gay groups to figure out what to do about coming out to your family. I can't imagine this is easy and maybe you can learn from their experience.


Good Luck!
Ref

[backwardsbike]

Hi!  i am so sorry you are dealing with all these secrets.  From readin your post i get the feeling that you don't really have anywhere to turn. That saddens me.

I am a nurse who has worked with teens for many years.  You may not like what I'm about to tell you, but here goes.  please get yourself some support ASAP.  I would start with my high school guidance office.  you are dealing with too many heavy issues to handle all alone.  You should not have to do it by yourself.  I really have a soft spot in my hear for kids.  And I have helped many gay teens.

I am not saying you need support becaseu you are a teen.  Anyone in your sitcuation would get the same advice from me.  We humans were not built to go it alone.

I agree with the others about keeping your grades up and getting a job, which could help you with getting out of the house.  It is important that you do not jump the gun.  Too many time kids run away to getout of the very kinds of situcations you are in.  they want to get awway formt eh pressure.  But end up much worse off than before.  Please stay safe!

[wendl]

Unfortunately what your dad does is his business (even if we don't like it)

I moved out when I was 16, I was getting $ due to my father terminally ill, also worked full time and had NO time to be a kid.

And let me tell you it is not easy.  You cannot get an apartment, you can only work so many hrs a week in order to keep up with your school work.

I struggled, became a mother before I was 21 and struggled more.

I would try and stick it out as long as you can. You need your education, study and get your grades and graduate.  Save all the money you can as you will need it when you move out.

I know it is hard, but I did it alone and it is even harder.  Sometimes I wish I just stuck it out.  The only thing I was lucky about was I got a disability check to help out.

Good luck hun


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Sietaer]

     Thank you guys (and girls) for responding. I was so afraid that I would get a bunch of homophobes, telling me it was probably my fault he was cheating on her or something.
     Well, I understand what you all are saying. And one of you said that internet sex and real sex are different. That maybe he never actually meant to go meet her. But I know he did. He REALLY wanted to go meet her. In one of them they were planning a date, wine, bubble bath. (Thank GOD he didn't get too far into that.) And now that I have all this information about him, it brings back all those memorys about how he would go out a lot all by himself for hours. When he got back he just say he wanted to get a breath of fresh air, but now I dont take what he says for granted as much. In one of the emails (from a different woman than the one he was planning a date with) he asked her what she took for payment for her "services" I dont think he actually went out and did it, but, from the looks of that email, he was going to. He may have thought on one of his "fresh air drives" I dont want to live with a person like that. I may have jumped the gun a bit, but I KNOW that I cant live with him.
     Some people might say the my being gay is wrong, but I dont think that. I do know however that cheating is wrong. Marriage is not something that you can just forget about for an hour or two so you can go out and have some fun. It's a long lasting commitment. And if my dad is sleeping with other women or just THINKING about sleeping with other women, then I refuse to live with him. (It's a whole morality thing)

[Ref]

I understand what you mean by the "moral" thing. You have to understand that it really can't be boiled down to black and white like that.

Look at how it will effect you life, your family, your friends. Really, it is not as easy as it seems. At least two of us that have replied lived on our own at your age and it really screws things up. Please listen. Keep yourself busy by getting a job and studying hard in school. Avoid your dad by making choices that will IMPROVE your future, not stunt it (like supporting yourself at your age). If you are that pissed, and you have ever right to be, make it your goal to live better than your dad. Get a better job, a better relationship and strive to someday be a better parent (if this is something you will want to do). Use your anger to your advantage.

If you really think you can live on your own, start by being forthcoming with your dad. If you can tell him about all of it and I mean ALL of it (cheating and your homosexuality), then you may be mature enought to be on your own. You may not have a problem with emancipation at that point because he might just kick you out of the house if he is such a homophobe.

Before you do this make sure you have a job, transportation and a place to stay lined up or you might end up on the street or bouncing between friends' places.

None of us disagree with your problems with your dad's behavior or on your beliefs of what marriage should be. I think the thing that you have to understand is that you will NEVER fix your dad, especially without confonting him. The only thing that you can do is be careful not to *f* yourself by your response to this. These decisions you are making should be done with your head and not just your heart.

I stand by keeping yourself as busy and productive as possible for the remaining 2 year at his home. Many people your age spend 70% of the time out of their parent's home anyway.

Good Luck with Everything!!!!
Ref

[wendl]

Well said Ref.

And honey we won't judge you for your sexual preference that isn't who you are just what gender you want to be with and it is great that you are not afraid to voice this.




**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[backwardsbike]

I am hoping that you are still reading the boards. I am also hoping that you have sought some help from a trusted adult.  You are dealing with issues loaded with all kinds of emotions.  You should not have to go it alone.

Please consider talking with someone.  A parent of a friend, a minister, a teacher anyone who can stand by you while you sort this all out.

If you were an adult, i'd be giving you the same advice.  We are not meant to go it alone in this life.  As humans, we're just not wired that way.


You are welcome here.  You are valued here.  I wish you the best in your life.  And I wish to God i could do more for you than post on an internet message board.  You need and deserve someone who will take the time to know you and understand you.  I hope that you find a safe place to explore all your issues.

Best wishes,

BB