Contempt Charge - Joint Dec Making Clause of PP

[concerned69]

I'm the CP of our 9yr old daughter. Her father (NCP) filed a contempt order against me for changing her daycare without his 100% agreement. We have joint decision making for daycare in our PP. I was charged with contempt, I admitted knowing that he was not in agreement.

I thought that since I could prove that she was unhappy at the prior place, spent a full year trying to negotiate with dad / dad's attorney to find a new place he would agree on, enrollment is done each year so I HAD to find a place when school started 9/2010, new place was a proven better facility, I arranged my work schedule so that there would not be an increase in expense, that the court would not find me in contempt. Dad had no basis for not agreeing.

I was wrong. (this is where having an attorney of my own would have been good)

Anyway - I was fined $100 and in the order it says that I can "purge" the contepmt by going to dispute resolution (mediation in our PP) and if no agreement to file for a court hearing.

I've sent a co-petition form for mediation to dad / dad's attorney. Hopefully he will sign and return.

MY QUESTION: Prior to our hearing for the contempt order I thought that charging someone with contempt was only used in extreme cases, but after my experience and research I realize that dad has done several things just in the last year that I could file a contempt order against HIM on. I feel like he knew I wouldn't return her to the old daycare and he and his attorney were just waiting for me to have to enroll her for fall when school started so they could find me in contempt and feel very resentful over being treated this way. Let alone how all of this has affected our daughter - Should I file my own order?

[ocean]

order for what?
Contempt charges is when someone is not following what is in a court order. He has joint say, so you could not switch daycare providers without his consent. If he did not agree, you could of asked the court to allow the move due to XYZ and that you are asking the court to intervene since dad is not agreeing.

Some common contempt charges I have seen/heard:
Not allowing court ordered visitation
Not paying support
Not paying dental/activities (but it has not be in the court order already)
Not following a particular item in the court order (smoking with child, not taking child to therapy,)

Contempt is serious, most times a judge will give you time to get a lawyer (or see if you qualify for legal aid).. Most times it is mediated out or not much of a punishment is given unless it is proven you keep breaking the court order.

They can not file contempt until after you did not follow it, so that is why you are getting the contempt filed now (after you signed her up and she started going to prove you are not following the court order...)

[concerned69]

For contempt. Dad has done three of the four instances you mentioned and there's more.

The commisoner did explain the process to me at the hearing. It was a naive mistake on my part.

I assumed that he would not spend $2400 in atty fees to have me charged for trying to better our daughter's life. He never said "Enroll her at (old place) or I'm going to file a contempt order against you". In actuallity he kept saying "maybe next week I'll agree, I have to look into it" and then he just stopped responding all together.

[ocean]

Well, this is not a game. You have to pick your battles and if it is worth going back to court over.

If he is not paying, the state should take over and get it for you.

If he does not return child at right time, you get a police report and since you are custodial they will most likely get child back that night.

Not paying other expenses, send him letter registered mail to prove it was delivered with costs, receipts. Look in your order and see how long he has to pay, if no dates give a date 2 weeks to pay. If he does not, another letter stating if he does not pay within 2 weeks more you will file contempt. Then it will be a month late.

If it is an item in the court order like the smoking one...you can threaten the contempt but then have to make a choice if it is worth the fight when many times it is hard to prove certain things and hard to make someone follow it.

Be careful though, many times if you can prove contempt he (or you) can ask for lawyer fees since you broke the court order and force the other person to hire a lawyer.

[bloom6372]

For contempt. Dad has done three of the four instances you mentioned and there's more.

The commisoner did explain the process to me at the hearing. It was a naive mistake on my part.

I assumed that he would not spend $2400 in atty fees to have me charged for trying to better our daughter's life. He never said "Enroll her at (old place) or I'm going to file a contempt order against you". In actuallity he kept saying "maybe next week I'll agree, I have to look into it" and then he just stopped responding all together.

He doesn't have to warn that he will file contempt. And a "maybe I'll agree" isn't I agree. I understand why you did it, but when there's a CO, things get complicated. It's best to have it done through mediation or Court if there's a disagreement. For instance, my DH is COed to make joint decisions with his ex wife. He felt my SD had ADHD and she said she wouldn't allow testing for almost a year before my DH filed with the Courts to have it ordered. Yes, the testing was in my SD's best interest, but he wasn't legally allowed to make that decision, and he didn't want to disregard the CO.

From now on, when you communicate, do it in writing, and be sure to write something like "If I don't have a response by XX date, I will assume you agree to the matter" or something. That way, in instances where he ignores the emails, you will have proof that he didn't deny it.

[gemini3]

concerned69, you were pretty vague about what happened.  What exactly did he do that went against the order, and what does the order say about that item? 

It's important that the order clearly spell out what was to happen, or you'll waste your time and money taking him to court, not to mention the bad blood that's created with this sort of thing.

[allforher]

I have to agree that creating bad blood does even more harm.  I am working on leveling things out in my own circumstances.  I can file so many contempt charges but choose not to for the best interest of my child and the stress it will cause her if her Dad and I are in out of court. 

It sounds like the daycare was pretty important for someone to file a charge like this, perhaps in mediation he will have to be forth coming about what his wants for the child are.  YOu could possibly even see if he'd pay the registration fee for a new place if that is what is agreed on.  One thing I have learned is that being the bigger, apologetic person goes a long way, it doesn't make you weak, but it sounds like your ex might be a little insecure about his decision making role in your childs life.

Good luck!!

[grammy2]

It doesn't matter what YOU think was better for your child, the COURT ORDER said you could not make that decision without the AGREEMENT of the other parent.  So many people out there think they can simply make decisions on their own without regard for the other person...stop being so selfish, perhaps he had a reason for believing the best interest of the child was better served a different way.  Perhaps he mentioned an alternative that you weren't willing to accept so you decided to go your own way...  the ORDER is the ORDER, it's not a convenience for YOU when you need it, it's there to help preserve the rights of BOTH parents...because you couldn't agree to begin with.

The problem with divorced or unmarried and seperated parents these days is that nobody wants to have discussions....   when it isn't going your way, put all the cards back on the table and start over until you BOTH can FINALLY agree.  Sometimes it takes creativity, compromise and diligence to reach an agreement...if he is being unreasonable (or not giving you an answer within a reasonable amount of time) then you need to CYA and take it to court yourself for arbitration, not contempt...don't just decide to do what you want.  It's never too late to take the time to have a discussion, if it is, then the decision is the WRONG one...nothing that is in the best interest of a child should require you to decide RIGHT NOW... two satisfied parents are much more likely to produce a well balanced relationship between child/parents/school...

Its time to move on... let bygones be bygones... go back to the drawing board IN GOOD FAITH and start from scratch.  What do you want, what does the other parent want...what meets the needs of both parents (and is in the best interest of the child)...give ideas, get ideas...offer compromise to get compromise...leave your emotions out of the equation...document, document, document so you can both have record of discussion and agreements, if any or documentation for a court proceeding to show good faith on your behalf if nothing makes him happy....