Joint decision-making

[Gram]

I am seeking sole decision-making for my 18 month old daughter. The bio-father, whom I was never married to and never lived with, is opposed to this. He has missed most of the baby's doctor visits, is always late for visits, cancels visits occasionally, and wants everything to be a "compromise" without consideration for what's usual and good for the baby. He's hell-bent on getting more visitation time and wants to be able to decide who takes care of the baby during his time. This is so he can take her to his mother and leave her there. (His mother has filed a grandparent's rights suit against me so she can have "her own time" with my daughter. She lost, but has appealed.) We've tried to discuss this, but always end up in an argument. When we went to mediation prior to temporary orders, he tried to run the show, getting very condescending and belligerent. I just don't see any reason to agree to joint decision-making when we can't agree on anything. I think it would cause more problems for our child in the long run. Right now he has 8 hours of visitation a week (at his mother's house) and our temp. orders require him to follow my lead in terms of our baby's care. He has paid child support since we got the temp. orders, although he's sometimes late. He refuses to discuss with me how the baby's doing during his visits, or what's gone on. He doesn't like to be told about her development, what she's learning, how I do things with her, etc. Our communication is very poor. I even suggested communication counseling but he wasn't interested. Sorry this is so long... can anyone tell me what my chances are for getting sole decision-making? What, if any, are the advantages to joint decision-making? Thank you.

[Ref]

Joint decision making when you don't get along is a pain in the butt, however there are many benefits to the child having both parents make decisions. By including him in the decision making you allow him to have a more normal role as a parent to his daughter. He would be more likely to be involve in the daily affairs of his child, which would be a HUGE benefit to his daughter. It also will make it so you will be forced to bounce off the major decisions off of another adult who loves the same child. This could be invaluable to decisions truely being in the best interest of the child.

My favorite way to handle joint decision making with a very difficult relationship is to have it written that there must be joint decision making on all major (and describe what you consider major)decisions. You should also put a clause in that if no agreement can be made after so many days, that the parent the child is with physical custody may make the decision. That way if you want to take your child to a new Dr, you let your ex know of your desire and if he doesn't respond or if you can't agree, you will have the right to take the child. I would also put in that if the other parent feels that the unilateral decision is not in the best interest of the child, that parent may ask the court to intervene.

I also think that extracurricular activities should DEFINATELY be joint. What I think is best is to say that each parent has the right to decide what extracurricular activities the child is in during their time. I would make every effort to work together on activities that may fall in both of your times. You should each be resposible for the cost of the activies that you sign the child up with.

One of my favorites that I hear people do to keep each other informed without actually having to see each other is to make a form that has a space for medical, school, activities, and other. Have an agreement that whoever has physical custody if the child for the week (or the largest part of) is to fill out all important information on the sheet and email it to the other parent every week by Sunday 8pm. Don't ever put anything on the form about child support. This document should just be there to inform the other parent about the well-being of the child.

I really beleive that the more rights you take away from a parent, the less involved that parent will be. He/she will feel castrated. If you have read anything about development, you will know that a child without both parents in their lives (especially girls without dads) are at much greater risk of developing problems.

As long as you have specific rules, you should be good to go and your daughter can enjoy having both parents protecting and caring for her.

Good Luck
Ref

[Gram]

Ref,
Thank you so much for taking the time to give me such a long and well thought-out answer. You've made some excellent points, and I'm going to copy this to the BF. I love the idea about the weekly "newsletter" which will really come in handy when my daughter is older. Mainly, it's just so nice to have an unbiased point of view about decision-making. I really appreciate your input.

[wendl]

I am a custodial mother and a stepmother.

My son has absent seizures, but no other medical problems, he was diagnosed with seizures in 2003

I make all the medical decsions in my sons life (1/2 the time I don't know where his dad is)

In 2004 my son had a blockage and was hospitalized, I made a point to call his dad and inform him and keep him updated while we were in the hosptial (he was pissed cuz of the hospital I took him too)

My son was taken off his seizure meds at the end of the year, last Monday he had a grand mal seizure, again I did not know how to get ahold of his dad, BUT I can always get ahold of his sister, so I called her to update her on what was going on so she could rely to her brother.

I always try to keep my ex informed.  I send copies of all report cards, update him on sports etc, sometime by phone sometimes by email.

I think it is important to keep the other parent updated, mostly because it is the right thing to do and secondly what if I didn't tell him about our sons medical problems and something happened while with dad, dad wouldn't be educated on what to do etc.

:)

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**