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[rhelle]

I'm not really sure where to start with our story, but I'll try to bulletpoint the highlights and add detail as needed..

More or less, we are having trouble dealing with his ex. She defies the divorce decree at almost every turn, sends a constant barrage of nasty emails, tries to limit his visitation, etc.

Chain of Events:

1) Divorce final May 2009
2) Ex remarries June 2009
3) Ex moves to another state June 2009 (with the children)
4) H and I meet in October 2009
5) Move in together March 2010
6) When he notified her of his change of address, the email barrage began. She threatened to keep his children from him, because we were not married at the time and she found us "immoral".
7) More emails demanded that I drive 24 hours to her home state to meet her in person, or she would...you guessed it...not allow visitation
More emails about how she despises him
9) Children do arrive for their summer visit , but the email barrage continues, up to and including, her informing us the children were not to stay with me and she needed a detail explanation of where they would be when H was working.
10) June 2010 - calls H crying, saying her husband yelled at her for being mean to us. She justified saying she only had her children's best interests at heart.
11) June 2010 - Found out we planned to marry in 2011...suddenly offers to help with the wedding
12) November 2010 - See kids for Thanksgiving. They are unwashed, in ratty clothes, and state they are hungry because are not allowed snacks or seconds, youngest D informs us she only bathes twice a week. He talks to the ex and she blows him off, refuses to speak to him about it, tells him to file a complaint if he's got a problem.
13) November 2010 - We file a complaint, as requested.
14) January 2011 - Ex files second claim for CS (illegal, btw)
15) January 2011 - Ex begins sending constant emails informing H he will pick the children up on her schedule
16) February 2011 - Signs youngest D up for an activity during his time of possession at Spring Break...thus denying his visit for Spring Break
17) March 2011 - Ex refuses to honor the Standard Possession Order in decree, stating she will file contempt charges if he keeps his children for the dates listed in decree
18) March 2011 - In order to stop the barrage of nasty emails , we elect me ask that all communication go through me. She refuses, and she and her H spend several days sending numerous disparaging emails, making threats, etc.
19) March 2011 - We ask for mediation. They refuse. They then state they will but only if I am not allowed to be part of the mediation. Then they state they'll mediate but only if we pay for all of it. Then they state they'll mediate but only if we use THEIR mediator.
20) April 2011 - Her husband threatens youngest child with punishment if he engages in summertime activities with his father. We send an email asking that this behavior stop...and were directed to their attorney.


Please keep in mind, I have never met these people. They know nothing about me. I offered a phone call as introduction early on when the harassment started, but his ex wife refused unless she could have a one on one conversation with me..without H present. Each attempt to meet with her was thwarted unless it was done in her state or on her schedule.

Has anyone else ever dealt with these issues? What do you do?

Thank you

[tigger]

Not sure how you thought her communicating with you was going to help the situation but the best thing for you to do is to take a back seat.  The mediation should be between the parents only.  No stepparents. 

She can't file contempt if the court order is being followed.  So if he's keeping the kids for the days laid out in the court order, she has no leg to stand on. 

How is another CO request illegal?

[rhelle]

We decided to have me as the contact in order to stop the harassment. She emails him multiple times every week, with some new complaint, and if he doesn't respond immediately, she then begins with the text messaging. Regardless of having been asked to stop, she simply continues. She has stated repeatedly that I have to speak with her, so we thought we'd try that. I wasn't married to her so she can't push my buttons and I'm not interested in arguing with her, either.

Her husband is a major bone of contention. He forces the children to call him "Dad" (even though it expressly forbids this in their divorce decree). He's even gone so far as to call H and rant at him because the children had a nice time with H, and stepdad didn't want to hear about it. He refers to them as HIS children.

She filed a second order for child support in the state she moved to.; thus creating two separate child support orders for the same case.  As she is prone to falsifying documents (up to and including not filing her marriage with the state, so she could receive alimony), we worry that she will file the contempt order anyway, that she will refuse to allow him to pick up the children, or that she will arrive at our home before her scheduled pickup day and cause problems.

With regard to the communication issue, he no longer wants to talk to her. I can only presume this means we'll have to choose a mediator as our liaison.

[rhelle]

To be honest, I feel as if she MADE me a part of it.
I refused contact with her after our numerous attempts at introduction (per her request) were thwarted. At each juncture, she has made certain to try and drag me into the middle of it. She even went so far as to insinuate that my children would molest hers (without having met any of us and knowing nothing of me). She's done everything possible to anger the both of us, and I've simply refused to indulge her. The only reason I agreed to step in was in the hopes that she and her husband would leave my H alone.

I never had these problems with my ex and I got along with his new wife just fine. So, I'm way out of my league. I've never dealt with crazy people before.

[tigger]

He needs to file contempt charges against her for allowing her husband to demand the children call him "dad".  He also needs to send her a certified return receipt letter requesting that the multiple emails and texts stop.  If she continues, file harassment charges against her. 

I'm hoping Ocean chimes in on this soon as she has more experience than I do.  The only crazy person in my life is my ex's wife and she's lost her power over the kids as they refuse to engage her and flat out refuse to call her "mom" anymore.

[rhelle]

We are trying the mediation route first, as that is actually what is proposed in the divorce decree. But, I think that you are correct that we'll need to go to court. I really don't want the kids to be dragged into it, but I'm afraid it's going to happen. They are really great kids and have been through A LOT in just two years. It would be great if their mother could see these things will hurt them more than they will ever damage us.

There's a lot more to the story, but I think I'll let him tell it when he has time.  We are both under this username, as we both have questions about the same situation.

Funny thing about the harassment charges. She has not stopped since she found out about me, and the first thing her husband did when we made the request that she no longer email H is send text messages stating we were harassing them and that she was fearful of my actions as I had refused to meet her.

They are really insane. I hate to say that, but....

[ocean]

Few things you can do (some were said):
1. Change his cell phone number (pay the $15 change in number...best money you will have spent). Give her house number only.
2. Do not respond to her emails unless it has a purpose or just repeat and quote the custody order with the page number
ex.
According to our court order dated xxx, on page xxx, it states my parenting time to start on XX. I will be at the pick up spot....give exact details.
If you do not have child/ren ready, I will be forced to file contempt of court papers against you and will be asking for you to pay my lawyer fees as you are not following a court order"
You

3. File contempt of court on ALL past things they have done against court order especially visits (for the past few months). Get all dates, and proof. File in family court (no charge here). This should not go through mediation as you have a court order and she is not following it.
Put in their the part about children calling step-dad. ASK for lawyer fees, make up time this summer, step-father to stop calling himself the father, and any other punishment deemed by the courts.

4. Do not allow him to make kids go back early. If you have them, KEEP them as court ordered. Police can not do anything and will tell her to take it to court. She is pressing you to get what she wants. DO not play her game. You can half agree but once you get them, you send her an email or certified letter overnight stating you are keeping them to XX as court ordered. THen unplug your house phone.

5. You stay far away...sorry, he deals with her. Ignore most emails totally. Send one certified letter to her stating when you will pick up next and IGNORE. A week before confirm through email. IGNORE, Then go and try to pick up and see what happens. Ask for police report if she refuses and file ANOTHER contempt charge.

Mediation is for things that need changed or added to the decree. If you have what you want but she if refusing, go the contempt route.

[rhelle]

ocean,

Thank you for the advice. It is really helpful.

I had the right idea initially to stay out of it. I suppose I should have continued on that path, regardless of her attempts to drag me in. My downfall was being tired of the arguing and the constant crap directed at H. I should have known better, it seems.

The good thing is...my intervention made her angry, so she has actually left him alone for a week or so. Yay for small miracles.

[rhelle]

I do have another question....

Is there legal recourse for him with regard to her constant lying about monies received?

He does not pay her directly, but that did not stop her from filing a second child support order, leaving him with two states seeking child support for the same order. Each time she does these things, the burden of proof is on him. She was told by her current state to file for a change of jurisdiction in the divorce state, once they found out she had two open cases. It took her almost two months and WE had to field the phone calls, clean up the payroll issues, etc.

Is there some way we can keep her from doing these things, repeatedly?

[tigger]

I should have known better, it seems.

You couldn't have known better unless you've lived it.  That's what we are here for.  To share our experiences and life lessons. 

Just to clarify, your DH should be writing the letters/emails to her and should be signing only his name.  Including you (as in him stating "we" or "us" and signing your name only takes the BM's focus off the kids and onto something she can argue about.  This was a tactic my ex's wife tried to use.  She would write the letters and sign both names.  I wrote my ex a letter and told him that unless letters had his original signature (not an electronic one) I would not be accepting them as correspondence from him and would not be responding.  This resulting in what I call "nastygrams" coming about every three months or so.  I ignored all except the one I got in July 2005.  (Divorce was final in 97).  I had had absolutely enough.  I copied the letter, wrote a letter stating again that such letters would be ignored and further letters unsigned or electronically signed would be considered harassment.  I sent the copy of the letter and the letter I wrote certified, return receipt, signature to be made only by recipient.  That was the last one I got and for months his wife scowled at me every time she saw me.  My guess was that she was trying to interfere with the dad and I and he had no clue the letters were being sent to me.