Always paid child support voluntarily now BM is taking me to court

[NoRights4Dad]

My wife and I have been separated for a little over a year now.  Her choice not mine.  When we separated I thought it was on good terms.  We agreed on a fair amount of CS to be deposited in her account every paycheck for our 2 children 7 and 4.  She also said she would never take me to court because she knew I loved my kids and would always take care of them.

I am now in a relationship with someone new.  She is great with the kids and supportive.  However, after a trip that my new relationship and I went on my ex suddenly decides she wants to take me to court.  I am completely blindsided by this since I always deposited the agreed upon amount and in addition I buy the kids new clothes everytime they are with me (which is usually every weekend or every other weekend).  I also pay for extra curricular activities (karate and dance) and medical expenses (including hers since she is still technically my wife).

My court date is June 8 and I am terrified because from what I hear they are most likely going to take half my check.  I recently moved us all (my girlfriend, her son, and my kids) into a new apartment so that each child will have their own bedrooms when they came to visit.  I am also paying off HER student loans as I help her retain her master's degree during our marriage and when we split I decided I would still pay them off for her.  Not to mention other loans we took out during our marriage, I am also paying ALONE.

I am a police officer in NYC (17 years on the job).  She is a teacher and makes considerably less than I do so I know that I am in for it.  When I ask her why she is doing this, all she says is that she wants what is fair & secure.  Which I don't understand because I would never not take care of my kids and she knows this.

A little background on her and her care of the children:

She is not the best mother in the world, the kids always come to me smelling badly, unshowered and dirty.

She is taking me to court however, in the past six months she has taken vacations (alone) to California and recently to Las Vegas to celebrate her 30th birthday.

When she does go away, she leaves the kids with her mother who is an alcoholic and changes boyfriends more than a normal person would.

BM herself has a drinking problem and I have reason to believe she smokes weed also (she did while we were married) and I know her family does and on more than one occassion I have smelled weed in the hallway when I have picked up the kids.

The kids have had a horrible cough for the past year which also leads me to believe that she smokes around them.

The kids also say that they see mommy smoking (don't know if they are talking about cigarettes or the other but smoking is going on either way).

The kids who are opposite sex sleep in the same bed in a room that is only big enough to fit the bed.  Sure they are still small and it probably doesn't matter now but as they get bigger they really shouldn't be sharing a bed.


I guess my question is what exactly is going to happen to me?  If they take half my check I will be crippled.  I was giving her 1300 a month plus clothes plus toys, plus dance and karate, plus medical, plus anything else she would call and ask for.  I never said no to anything when it came to my kids.

My other question is I would like to fight for joint physical custody.  What are my chances of getting this?  How much will it cost?  We still aren't officially divorced so who should file first now that child support will be out of the way?  When does visitation come into play?  I am so oblivious to this whole process any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated. 

[ocean]

Are you getting a divorce? Is this just child support court?
In NY, for 2 children, it is 25% of your income for child support.  Strictly by the numbers. You will also probably split the activities. What you are giving her now may be considered a gift so if you have a court date, put the money in YOUR savings account and when you get to court they will tell you how much you will pay. You can then just pay it off when they set up an account. She may not like this as it will take a few weeks of no child support as the state makes a new account.
Is she a certified teacher? Go to seethoughny.net   Go to schools, salary. You can get her salary for the last two years. Print it out and bring to court.

The other things you are paying for is a "gift" from you (clothes, classes) and if you are not court ordered to pay her student loans and they are in her name, you do not have to do that. You will have to keep her on medical until the divorce happens (law in NY).

Some of you issues:
The only things that will matter in court are"
1. kids need their own bed (not their own room) so send her a letter that the kids need their own bed, bring it up in divorce court.
2. Put in your divorce papers that you will have children anytime she needs a babysitter or goes away on vacation. YOu will be given first choice over all family including grandparents.
3. You can have a line in papers "parents will make sure no one smokes inside a car or inside the house when children are with them"
4. You can ask that you both take a drug test (offer to take one too...)

The rest is just parenting issues. Talk to the 7 year olds teacher, see if that child comes to school clean. The school can make a call on that if that is an issue. As the father, you can request your own school on-line password if they have one, and own set of report cards and important info without mom being involved.

It usually gets ugly when one parent remarries. NY will not take 50% unless you owe her money, then they can take 50% until you pay up then back to the 25%. You should be splitting the activities so you should save some money there plus her bills should be hers now. Until a divorce court separates everything. Shut all mutual accounts. Get your name off all house accounts (electric, cable, ). Call them and say you moved out and ex can switch to her name.

[fight4him]

Instinctively, I say stop giving her ANY money. Legally, I'm not sure if you can. Put the child support in a separate account, like ocean said. She is really going to see how she has hurt herself when you stop all money.