Danger Close - Need Help

[Cyclebreaker]

Hello  All:

From past posts you may know that I am married to a high-functioning BPD plus woman who is doing everything in her (and her family of origin's) power to attain full custody of our two daughters, 12 and 10, who are already showing signs of being "mombots" with respect to their Dad.  I've coined a description for my W:  She views every ""glass as half empty" and I am the one-armed sole waiter in the universe who cannot fill any of her glasses.  In otherwords, she views me as the sole cause of all the unresolved pain and unhappiness in her life and she is determined to rid herself and our children of my existence.  My heart is broken on so many levels that I lose friends by trying to tell them my story.

Her Mother was mentally ill and refused to hold or in any way bond with my W at birth.  Her "Mom" emotionally, psychologically and physically abused (in my MIL's own words she "terrified" the kids their entire childhood and beyond.  ("Dad", took a flyer, went MIA or worse during her whole life). My W's two brothers ,are also in terrible pain at 50 years of age.  I unwittingly stubbled on documentary and audio proof on all the above and my W (close to 50) hates me for finding out the truth.  Her chief fear was how she was going to tell her mother (pushing 80) that I have all this material in my possession.  She is still terrifed of her Mom and the possibility of losing her children in a custody action. As you all know, applying any type of "reason" with her is futile but she doesn't realize that she is making her own worst fears come true b refusing to fing "the courage to heal."

My dilemna is this.  From all I have studied BPD can be both genetically and environmentally (abuse) passed from one generation to the next.  My W has been exposed to both but as they say, "It's not what you know but what you can prove."  Courts are very relunctant to go down this road and since my W is so high-functioning, her charm and apparent honesty is very compelling.  She has sytematically isolated and controlled our family life so no one but me and the kids see the real woman.  They kids are, young, female, impressionalble and are slowly becoming programmed that Dad is the source of all Mom's pain.  They are too young to be told the truth so my hands are tied.

So please, please here is my question:  Does anyone know of any legal precedent in any state that would support my attempt to get my W's past into evidence?  I know that courts are loath to go there but it is my only hope.

I've been posting my situation but receive few if any replies.  Am I breaking some kind of Board Ediquette or something???  This must be a common and big problem for all those who have been or are in my position.

Please give me any lead you may have as I am about at the end of my rope.  The only thing that keeps me going are my girls and to assure that this inter-generational curse is not passed down to them.

Thanks for listening,  Cyclebraker (a.k.a "George Baily" just before "Clarence" intercedes)   

[tigger]

I'm not sure about what can be introduced into evidence but I would definitely (no matter what happens) request that the children attend counseling with you.

[gam]

I'm not sure about what can be introduced into evidence but I would definitely (no matter what happens) request that the children attend counseling with you.

I also am not sure what can be introduced into evidence, but as suggested request the children attend counseling. You might want to see if you can request a GAL be assigned to the children.

Has mom ever been diagnosed with BPD? Or is this just what you have figured it to be? BPD is one of the hardest disorders for professionals to diagnose. Many BPD's are high fuctioning, and many can appear to be charming and honest when they want to.

If mom has not been diagnosed by a professional, you can request pysch evaluation, but be prepared to pay for it and take one yourself. Not sure if you have done anything in court on this up to this point. It's up to the court to decide what they will do, but you have to file for these things, or they won't do anything.

I have a sister who is 52, I believe she is BPD, however she has never been diagnosed. BPD's do not feel there is something wrong with them, it is everybody else who has the problem, so they often don't seek professional help. There are lots of great books and lots of great info online of how to deal and how not to deal with a BPD. It's very important you read up on this part, cause there is a right way and a wrong way in dealing with these individuals. It will help you everytime you have an issue with her, confrontation is what a BPD thrives on.

[tigger]

confrontation is what a BPD thrives on.

Well, that explains why I drive my ex's wife crazy!  LOL! I pretty much ignore her and when I have to deal with her, I'm polite and quiet.  (And yes, she was unofficially diagnosed by her son's psychiatrist who told the dad, "While I can't give an official diagnosis, I believe she's BPD.  Let me give you some tips on how to handle her." )

[ocean]

What is the situation now? Are you in the same house still? anything through the courts yet?

I would TAPE her when she gets into a rage. We used audio tape from exchanges and audio from voicemails. She was a raving lunatic on them and really showed everyone in that court room who she was. Plus we played it for the therapist and the GAL. BUT even with all of that, no one could control our PB.

My advice: Get out of the house with kids at least once a week, bring them to park, library, pizza...whatever...talk to them about life and have fun with them. (Take pictures). Go interview a few therapists and get one you like, then start taking kids. If you are still married you have a right to take them. If you have joint legal you can take them. You need to ask counselor if they are strong enough and be able to deal with this situation as the one PB picked could not control PB and her actions. Even showing the kids in therapy pictures of our family having fun, they would argue it never happened. Start therapy sooner then later so an outsider can get to the kids.

Any evidence of her disease? ever go to dr? (I think I asked you this once before). HIPPA laws are strong so if you can get things/copies before you divorce, the better.

Be honest with the kids, some wont agree but my DH never said a word about their mother and the situation and I think it backfired on him. PB was telling them many things and he just went on with reg visits. They do not have to know every detail or bad mouth mom but you can say "You have two parents that love you, mom and dad can not live in the same house soon but that does not change that I am your dad. I promise not to bad mouth your mother but want you to know that I love you" something along those lines...many more in depth depending on age. Our PB showed them parts of the court papers that suited her and then twisted it. Once she broke the RO and she blamed DH for her arrest and showed them the papers that she is not allowed at our house or she will be arrested. (nothing about her awful behavior).

If they are school age, be involved in their school and activities. Offer to be their coach or helper. Ask to go on school trips.

If you are still in the house, the next time she explodes, get a police report and depending on the severity. You will have to play hard ball if you are going for custody.

[gemini3]

cyclebreaker -

I recommend you read the publication "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" (http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding/dp/0380713055 (http://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Understanding/dp/0380713055)) and also "Splitting" (http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php (http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php)) and it's companion material.  If she is alienating your children from you, get a copy of "Divorce Poison" and "Divorce Casualties", and also visit the website http://www.paawareness.org/ (http://www.paawareness.org/).  You might also look at the information found here, regarding the best way to communicate with a high-conflict ex:  http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/ (http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/).  (As an aside, the man who had this most helpful website, who also has a BPD ex-wife and has spent several years in and out of court, has been ordered by the court to take the site down.  A clear violation of his right to free speech.  But that page is still active, and is extremely helpful.)

My husband's ex is also a high-functioning boderline.  It has taken 6 years and tens of thousands in attorney's fees for my husband to get 50/50 joint custody with ROFR.  We have gone through it all - false accusations included.  It's not pretty.  You're going to have to have a plan of action and stick to it.  Like a game of chess, each move will take you one step closer to your goal - but you won't get there in one or two moves.

Regarding what you can bring before the court... unless she has been diagnosed as having BPD, and has been in treatment for it, you won't be able to enter it into evidence.  What you can show is evidence of the behaviors (the same as what they would use to diagnose BPD) and how those behaviors negatively affect the children.  For example, self-injury, threats or attempts of suicide, promiscuity, etc.  You especially want to show any attempts on her part to interfere with your relationship with the children.  You can also ask for psych tests, and for a GAL.

I would record all of your phone calls with her, and I would record all face-to-face meetings either on a digital voice recorder or on a camcorder placed on the dash of your car or something.  If you're in a one-party state you can enter these recordings as evidence in court.  If you're not in a one-party state, they can be shared with the GAL.  Start keeping a journal of all your contact with her, and all your contact with the children. 

You also want to get as specific a parenting plan as the courts will allow.  BPD's embody the saying "Give 'em an inch..."  You want everything spelled out in detail - pick up days, dates, times, locations, etc.  You want phone contact spelled out.  You want ROFR spelled out.  You want a clause for make-up time if parenting time is missed, and so on.  Nowhere should your parenting plan contain the words "reasonable".  There are several good plans on this site that you can use as templates.  This is extremely important because you will, without a doubt, be back in court on more than one occasion.  If there is any ambiguity at all in your court order, the most the court will do is slap her on the wrist and make that section more specific.  If you get it right from the start you will save yourself thousands in court costs in the future.

[Cyclebreaker]

Wow, what great deal of fine advice!  Thanks so much, and no offense, but I thought I was going crazy and it's validating to know that there are aot of vets out there with good advice.

You see, I don't think I can win in court with my W "the church lady" at one table and a depressed, anxious and at times frantic Dad who understands the dire implications of the court siding with "Mom."  For two years I've read everything under the sun on the subject getting more and more depressed as I went on.  She clearly meets all but one of the DSM - IV criteria for the disorder but can hide them all but me and my girls.  That is why I am interested in the relatively new findings of childhood emotional abuse and genetics playing a part in a diagnosis.  My W and her 2 brothers were sent away under Dr.'s orders while young due to some Mom instigated trauma.  MY MIL was referred twice to a pyschiatrist but refused due to the stiSLURPization and her belief "that there's nothing wrong with me."  The younger brother enlisted into the Marines hard core and was Force Recon for 6 years until he was sectioned 8 (he had changed his name and painted everything he owned "flat black" which became his nickame).  He just has a second breakdown after his 2nd divorce and something terrible happened to him or that he did that my W refuses to talk to me about.

The older brother is a semi-itinerate alcoholic living alone in Ketcham (where EH blew his head off).  He had a nervous breakdown in his senior year of high and after escaping from a VA Mental Institution committed in his own words, "the biggest mistake of my life."  My W was a sophmore in HS at the time and left home during the same time for reasons she's never disclosed.  I've found that something awfully traumatizing happend in the fall of 1978 (when bro broke down) and I think this is also showing signs of PTSD.

We are in court as she ran to get an OOP and file for sole custody all because I told her in public that she either join me in marital counseling or I would file for sole custody.  In a "frantic effort to avoid real or perceived abandonment (ah, hem)".  That was my "threat" which threw me out of my house and left the fox guarding the henhouse.  Before that incident I had an alter boy squeaky clean top secret clearance record.  The court's suck.

Last unnerving thing she did was drop a newspaper on my bed with lead story "Mom Drowns Three Children and Herself."  WTF!!  I called my attorney and made it clear to all concerned that the dots are all there to be connected and if no one does so there will be hell to pay.

Plum drained out but have to be ahppy now with my kids.

Thanks for listening and your input.  Admissibility of family of origin history is key.  There has to be something out there.   Cyclebreaker

[gemini3]

I'm not aware of a precedence out there for admitting evidence regarding family of origin.  It's not their parenting that the court is considering.  It's yours and your stbx's.  Unless it has a direct effect on the children and their welfare, they don't want to hear it.  That's why I say to focus on her actions and not the "why's" behind her actions.  That stuff is all great for your planning and your own healing - but it won't do you any favors in court.  The judges don't want to play psychologist.

If she's been diagnosed, great, use it.  If she hasn't been diagnosed, I would stay well away from it.  Ask for a psychiatric evaluation and let the psychologist make the diagnosis and present it to the court.