Sole Custody

[Remi2]

How how many incidents should one have before you request a modification of sole custody?  Currently, we have joint legal custody.  The NCP is using the child as weapon with constant false allegations of child abuse and now the latest of child being used a s spy.  These accusations are all made within the last 4 months.  He is purposely trying to sabotage my relationship with the child and he will not stop.  He is clearly not acting in the best interest of the child.  The GAL found his accusations baseless and that there were no merit to them.  However, the GAL still has not completed her report which was due last month.  It makes so mad that he is using a child as a weapon like this it is reprehensible.

[Simplydad]

If you are looking to limit attempt to take away some of his visitation that will not happen.  The courts will basically say you are making a big deal of nothing.  Now I do not agree with them on that but it seems to be the stance that is being taken.

If there is GAL involved I guess you can have it included a clause can be put in where neither parent are allowe to discuss matters of the divorce or custody in the presence of the child.  It is a very hard thing to enforce I believe but you cna have it in there and when they continually occur you can keep dragging the NCP to court for contempt.

From the outside looking in it seems that there may be a bitter dispute going on but it will not be enough to modify visitation.

[ocean]

Sole just means who the parent is that will make decisions regarding health issues/schooling issues. Really has nothing to do with what you are dealing with.

Get child in counseling with you to improve your relationship. Having an outsider tell the child how it is instead of their parent is good. Make an appointment with someone, interview and find a good one. Took us a few tries to find a good one. Then make an appointment you and child on your time (since you have joint). After first visit, email other parent and let them know that you started therapy with XX to help deal with issues and give therapist number if they want to talk to them.

Are you having another court date soon? Put in wording like simplydad said and something about making false statements in the future will be punishment of awarding sole custody to other parent plus legal fees.

[Remi2]

Thanks, Simplydad and ocean.  Yes, there is a bitter custody battle going on.  I am not trying to take away any visitation.  We have joint legal custody and I am the physical custodian and make the final decision(s).  The NCP seems to be trying any dirty trick he can think of to play.   It is almost as if he is going down a list of dirty tricks to play in a custody dispute.

All of the NCP allegations have mainly been, "The child has said this or the child has said that." all of which are lies that he is placing in the child's mouth.  With the latest allegation from yesterday, last week the NCP asked to take the child to a ballet lesson on Monday during my week of vacation this week.  I reluctantly agreed and let her go.  He picked up the child directly from summer camp and returned her home afterward.  The next day he sends email alleging that the child is being used as a spy.  I am like WTF?  That is what is really infuriating just really ticks me off.  It is just so wrong to keep using the child like this.  I keep asking myself, 'What kind of a parent would do something like this or act like this?'  Most of the tactics and tricks are usually what you see the CP (usually the Mother's) doing in custody disputes.  I personally think that NCP suffers from an undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  (I have not and will not shared this opinion with the GAL this is just what I think).   

We are still waiting for the court date.  The GAL needs to turn in her report before we can go back to court.   The GAL has told me that she is trying to figure out a way to him make stop with these false allegations.  Maybe I can suggest your suggestions to her.

At 3 almost 4yr. old the child and I still have a very good relationship.  Although, I am keeping a close eye on her and her behavior when she returns from visitation for any changes.   

In all, I guess I just needed to vent after this latest allegation.   

[Simplydad]

Remi,
The best thing you can do is maintain your parenting and love your child.  Children are very intelligent and pick up on things really fast.  In the end your ex will have to deal with the issues he is creating.  Here are some things that you can try that work for me.  Also, concerning the abuse allegations.....keep a record of all the false allegations.  If it is just he said/she said then ignore it.  If an official investigation was launched keep that report. A false allegation can and will hurt him in court.

1. Maintain very low contact with your ex.  If it does not have anything to do directly wiht the welfare of your child then completely ignore it and him.

2. You sill have to be a parent. You may find that your ex will want to become the "popular" parent and try to make you out the be the bad guy.  It may seem to work when they are really young but in the end it will bite them in the rear.  Do not change how you parent your child. Do not get into a competition with your ex. as to who is the better parent.  There should never be a distinction like that. The child needs both parents but in the early stages someone has to be the bigger person.

3. Document, Document, Document - It is important that you document everything regardless of how trivial you may think it seems. You may just need it later.

4. No direct communication.  Communicate via email or text only. This way you will have documented proof of every thing said.  I have learned this also stops false allegations as well becasue it is known you are documenting everything.

Venting is good and it works for all of us.  So feel free to vent here anytime.

[Remi2]

Thank you for the excellent advice Simplydad!  You made some excellent points.  I needed those reminders.  Thank you again!!   

[Remi2]

UPDATE:  I just wanted to come back and update my post.  The GAL finally finished her report in January.  Were our case a modification (it was for dueling petitions for contempt) the GAL would recommended Sole Legal and Physical custody for me and alternating weekday visitation.  The GAL notated that too much interaction between the parties causes disagreements.

I never asked for sole legal custody in my GAL questionnaire from last summer but the after dealing with the NCP for almost a year she saw what I was dealing with.  He ignored all of the GAL's initial recommendations and did what he wanted to do anyway, when things weren't going his way during the GAL's investigation he tried to get a leg up by filing a false allegation of child abuse with CPS (I informed CPS that there was pending matter before the court and that this is an ongoing bitter custody battle - They closed their investigation.) and then after we received the GAL's report which was extremely negative towards him he tried to get the GAL removed from the case.

[MixedBag]

And I feel like an advertisement sometimes, but Divorce Poison is an AWESOME book to have in your arsenal of information.  Seriously.