at a loss...

[mandymay]

i dont even know where to begin, ive been reading this forum and ones like it for some time...just to know that there are so many other steps moms out there that have the same problems and issue i have...its very reassuring

I have married an amazing man with two beautiful kids and i have a wonderful relationship with them, when i made the choice to move states and be with my husband full time (we had a long distance relationship for a few months after meeting) i made the choice to take him, the kids and unfortunately the ex wife...She was very intimidated in the beginning which i understood i was the first new woman to come into the kids life and having another mother figure in their life was hard for her to deal with. i tried to be as sensitive as i could to the situation. Things got aggressive from her side and i reached out to her after my SS came home one day and asked me why i didnt like his mother??? My parents divorced when i was 2 and had issues with my step mom...i didnt want the same thing for our kids. I reached out to her and asked to meet and resolve the issue, we did, only because i chose to forgive everything that she had said about me and the way she treated me but it wasnt about me it was about the kids and us getting along is better for them....it lasted for a while and we communicated regarding the kids as long as i was able to make her see she was getting everything the way that she wanted.

Anyway we had an issue at easter time - it was our easter this year and we had made plans - since we were in the same town this year she asked if she could have them for a couple of hours at lunch time to do their thing, we had no problem with that, when we dropped them off she said we weren't allowed to pick them up again until that evening - we had already made plans and it was merely a control stunt by her - she knew said for a couple of hours only but pleaded that she didnt say that which is totally irrelevant as it was our easter and we were doing her a favour in teh first place. After that i limited my dialog and involvement with other than when i needed to. She, in retaliation accuses me of trying to undermine her as a mother etc etc, one of her justifications was that i had apparently held our daughters hand too long when she was trying to give her a hug good bye...which was just childish and i was completely unaware of it, if i did it wasnt intentional in any way. but she flew at me with all these accusations etc of competing...came completely out of the blue it was like she had bottled all this little stuff instead of addressing it with me at the time which i had always asked her to do to avoid conflict. (the relationship is very strained with my husband as she had an affair with his best mate, she always wants more money etc saying she cant work but the reason for that is cos she has had a new baby which restricts her to work etc etc)

She is off the wall, because of her control freak nature she is constantly calling and harassing us, we even got calls at 1am in the morning saying that "we were screwed" cos she had proven we had broken into her house....just ridiculous. She is constantly sending messages belittling my husband as a father and is an amazing father and we never respond never retaliate otherwise it will go on and on...anyway i know this is long winded but ive had enough i contact her today after another few messages to my husband about how bad a father he is....and she is so delusional and trying to control everything, she constantly has a go at me cos i am not a "REAL" mother (btw...a mother would not allow their 4 yr old girl to have sleep overs at her step fathers house who she tells everyone molested her when she was young...she does this)

How do you continue to take these messages and behaviour and keep your sanity ....she just bombards etc we cant change numbers cos we need to be able to contact for some things regarding the kids...i have to admit i lost it today and said some nasty home truths but seriously there is a point where you should stand up for yourself right??

[tigger]

It looks like you've inserted yourself a bit too much in the situation.  Engaging her gives her someone to fight with and it shouldn't be you.  Defending your husband against her baseless accusations is useless.  You're giving her exactly what she wants.  Let the father handle it. 

As for the sleepovers, if the father is truly concerned, he should address it in court.  If it's just another example of her lying, you have to let it go.

[4honor]

You are dealing with an aged CHILD. You need to react like an adult. She is a school yard bully calling names and throwing tantrums. Since the ex is someone else's child, you do what you would with any child who isn't yours but you find yourself having to deal with them... like one of your friend's kids or your child's friend.
1.  Ignore low level poor behavior pretend it didn't happen
2. When they are in a snit don't play with them
3.  Any time you MUST interact with them, do so civilly and and minimally.

You would never let some neighborhood child's ranting and raving make any difference in how you handle your own household; you would never let their opinion matter. You would laugh it off because it is ridiculous for them to think they have any say. Same situation here.
Do not react to ANYTHING she says unless it is specificaly about the well-being of the kids. You can take a little name calling and malicious gossip. It does not change who you are or how well you parent. Teach her how to treat you. When she behaves, reward her with a little more contact. When she behaves poorly, restrict her interaction even more. If she makes allegations to the police or to the courts you address them directly with the courts or the police.

When with the kids, you address lies as misconceptions. Teach them tools to deal with lies in every day life. (e.g., "I don't know where little Jimmy got the idea that we eat dog food... we don't have a dog and you can see for yourself that there isn't any in the cupboards. Have you ever seen us eat dog food? Little Jimmy must be mistaken." or "I don't know how your mom came to think I hate her.  Have you ever heard me say that I hate your mother? I don't feel that way." Then make a joke about how their mom must have crawled into your head and read your mind to know what you feel? No? hmmm what do they think? "I think she must be mistaken.")

You need to change every phone number except one. That should be your husband's cell - easily turned off at night. Have him write her a a letter stating that the only number available is his number and you will only respond to calls regarding the kids' needs, schedules and emergencies. Then do it, change all the rest. Let her messages go to voicemail and then check it immediately - respond to whatever is necessary and maturely ignore her childish tantrums. You as step-mom should only respond if it is an emergency and he is otherwise indisposed. (e.g., Janie is at the hospital? Which one? what do her doctors say about her condition? We'll be on the way in the next 15 minutes.)

Finally, stop renegotiating the parenting plan. stick to it 100% - no trading, no changes, no nothing. You want a judge (usually the same one who signed off on the order in the first place) to take you seriously, then respect his order. The only exceptions should be for emergencies, a death in the family and other truly serious matters. If the kids have a school function on your time, you do the right thing and take them. You two need to get on the same page and stop playing her game.

[gemini3]

You might find this article helpful:  http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/ (http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/)

[fight4him]

Kudos to you for trying for the children's sake. I am a stepmom myself and it is a hard job, but so rewarding. I would also recommend stepping back and not talking to her. Change your number and do not give it to her. I agree with the other posters. You are falling in to her trap. She lives for the drama. I like the rewarding idea myself. Give and take. Give what she deserves and take away what she doesn't. And I would say exactly what was posted to the children when they ask why you hate their mother. They will know that you are telling the truth by how you act and how you carry yourself. They will also see her for what she is, although it may take time.

Hang in there and good luck.