Standard parenting plan?

[niente]

Hi All,
My ex-girlfriend took my daughter and moved 1000 miles away pretty soon after she was born.  I was not invited, but they've recently moved back.  We have no custody agreement, and I've recently been completely cut off from access, both telephone and visitation (because my ex- doesn't like me, and is looking for ways to hurt me.)  I'm filing instructions for allocation of parental responsibilities with the Colorado courts, without an attorney.  I've got very little experience being a father, and don't want to scare a seven year-old girl by taking her away from her mother (who has succeeded in alienating my daughter's feelings for me as a parent) to live with some stranger (me).  Anyone have any insights about what would be an appropriate custody plan? I'm an elementary school teacher, who has summers off, grandparents far away, and I live 61 miles away (I know, 1 mile too far and now I'm a long-distance parent.)

Thoughts?
Thanks.

[tigger]

Just to clarify . . . you said that she moved 1000 miles away when the child was a baby and that you were RECENTLY completely cut off from the now 7 year old?  What has your visitation/parenting time been like for the past 7 years?  Do you have proof (photos, receipts, a log, etc)?  Has a paternity test been done to prove you are the father?

[niente]

Thanks for the response!
My daughter was 18 months old when we lost the house, and the ex-girlfriend took my daughter with her to live with her parents in California.  I had lost my job in tech, and soon after they left I entered a teacher-training program in Colorado where we were living.  I came down with Lyme disease, and moved back to the east coast to recuperate, and re-entered a teacher-training program there.  As a student, I had little money to travel to CA.  I've probably seen my daughter about 4 times since she was 1.5 yrs.  They moved to CO about a year ago.  I moved back to CO to be nearer my daughter about 9 mo ago, but the only job I could get was 350 miles away, on the other side of the Rockies in a very rural area.  I've since moved back to the Front Range.  Since I've returned to CO, my ex wouldn't let me see her last summer while I was job searching.  Saw her once over the school year, and have been denied Skype and phone and visitation since returning to the Denver region.

visitation: nothing assembled.  Started logging things this afternoon.
Paternity: Never contested. I agreed to be on the birth certificate. (I can't imagine that she's cuckolding me because she thinks that I'm a great catch, or have money or anything.)

Thanks.

[tigger]

Thanks for the clarification.  How is her financial standing?  I'm wondering because she may be blocking your access because she's coming at this from a position of fear . . . fear of you becoming more stable than she and then wanting custody of the child. 

Hopefully, some others who have more experience will chime in by at least early next week (people may be on vacation).  Gemini, Ocean, Mixed Bag and . . . someone whose name escapes me but now has an adult son who lost his father at age 13 are REALLY well versed in the court system.  My ex and I settled out of court the few times we had a difference of opinion (except the last time which had more to do with his wife controlling things than anything my ex really wanted.)

[ocean]

I am not in your state but most work the same way.
Since you have nothing with the courts, you go to family court and fill out joint custody paperwork with visitation/parenting plan papers.

This will give you equal rights for medical/schooling decisions and not take her away from her mother.
They will come up with a parenting plan and it should have exact dates/times of pickups whenever possible.
Get child's school calendar and find out when child has breaks.
You will have her on holidays every other year (this year may be chirstmas, easter, 4th of july, next year would be thanksgiving...etc...)
You should be getting at least half the summer if not more (if they do the long distance).
Make sure birthdays and fathers dad is on there.

The kids have a lot of 3 day weekends you can have her instead of every other weekend too. Most schools have websites. You can get an access code to see her grades/attendance too (if they have it). Call the school and ask to be put on the mailing list, offer her birth certificate to prove you are the father. Ask who her teacher is and if they have email. Email every so often, ask them when special events are at school that you can come too, school concerts, filed day, holiday parties.

If you want her every other weekend, then find a short cut and put 59 miles away...since you are that close you can work it out to have a schedule that is inbetween the two.

You can offer to start off slowly (maybe even with a counselor in the beginning). Ask to take her to a public place with mom staying there for the first visit...library? mc donalds? Then build to one full day for a few times, then overnights.

DO yo pay child support? Mom will counter with child support motion I am sure so be prepared for that.

[Kitty C.]

That was me, ocean............

We had a LD custody between IA and CA from the time DS was 5-6 till he was 13.  He flew to CA every summer and EO X-mas.  Shortly after he arrived the summer of 2002, his dad was diagnosed with liver cancer and he died 3 weeks later.

You really need to get some sort of custody order in place.  Now, I'm not talking about taking the child away from her mother...not at all.  In fact, that's almost impossible to do.  But you need a CO with a parenting plan so that you can see your DD regularly.  There are many PP templates available on this site, which you can tweak to fit your personal needs.  What I want to emphasize is that the PP must be VERY precise regarding dates, times, exchange locations.  Attempts to keep the BM from denying access due to 'technicalities'.

If she's messing with access now, she will continue to after establishing the CO.  Just because she thinks she can.  The mantra here is document, document, document!  Start now with a journal and record every instance of communication, exchange, parenting time, etc.  You may need it for court later.  If she violates the CO, she can be held in contempt...but it probably would take many instances/events to warrant even filing for contempt...one event just won't do it, because you need to establish an pattern.  And even if you're lucky enough to get a contempt into court, it's very possible they may only slap her hands and tell her not to do it again.  But her message from that is that since she didn't get punished for it, that means she can to it again...and she WILL.  So now you would have it on record that she's screwed up in the past, she continues to do so, keep documenting how and when, and file for contempt again.  Sometimes it takes multiple times and it can depend on the judge, but sooner or later the judge will get PO'd about seeing her in court so often.

One thing you can try that might keep her from doing this is to have sanctions already in place in the original order.  Like if she refuses access to the child, the sanction is immediate make-up time to you.  Multiple refusals would require her to give up some parenting time permanently.  If she knows going in that she could lose time with the child because of her actions, hopefully it will make her think twice about doing it...maybe.  I'm sure others would have even better suggestions.

The best piece of advice I could give anyone who's at the beginning of this process is this:  Consider the court process like you would a business agreement.  You both will come to the table with your own plans and you will need to negotiate something in between there.  So do NOT originally ask for what you will settle for.  Ask for the most that you want....that way, when you do meet in the middle, it's closer to what you will settle for.  These issues run high with emotions, because we're talking about our children here.  But if you can be as matter-of-fact and business-like while going through the process, it will keep BM from toying with your emotions.  Tough, I know............which is why when you need to vent, you come here!

MB and others have a list of great books to try on how to deal with 'problematic' CP's...I know that one of them is called 'Divorce Poison', but I'm sure others will be suggested.

[niente]

child support: yes, never missed payment, even though was sometimes unemployed, under-employed, and a full-time student.
She makes twice as much as I do.
She's an insecure person, who makes twice what I do (not a great combination).
I sent an email to her 1st grade teacher to get on the report card list, but the teacher went right to the mother, who then created a scene at a Red Lobster restaurant which lasted over an hour when I went for a visit a few weeks later.  The principal later told me to go right to her rather than the teacher.  I was rather disappointed with the teacher.

Colorado states that after filing court papers, that they may schedule an initial status conference, at which time parenting plans are filed.  I don't know anything about parenting plans, so I'm anxious about writing one. 

I got this info here, if anyone's interested:
courts.state.co.us/Forms/Forms_List.cfm?Form_Type_ID=15
see "Instructions for Petition for Allocation of Parental Responsibilities"

Thanks for the tip on the book.  Could someone point me towards the template parenting plans on the site? (I apologize if they're right out in the open.)

Do you recommend, when the time comes that I write my own plan, use a standard one, or have a professional write one?

Do people typically get lawyered up for these things?

Thanks for the support, everyone.

[Kitty C.]

Here's the link:

http://deltabravo.net/custody/articles.php (http://deltabravo.net/custody/articles.php)

Go to Parenting Plan, click on the drop-down menu and take you pick.  It would be best to review them all...you never know what you might find in any of them that might work for you.