Heart breaking for DH & SD

[Mom1Step2]

DH had mediation today. BM stated that YSD is not his & wants paternity test. Apparently YSD has been talking on the phone with her "Real" dad on BM's weekends.

DH is so distraught. His heart is breaking. It angers me so much that she is putting YSD through this even before it is offical. Poor girl is going to be so messed up no matter what the outcome.

[tigger]

How old is she?  What are the ages of the other children involved?

[Mom1Step2]

YSD is 11, OSD is 14.

They live with us during school & her for holidays & summer. It has been this way for 6 years.

[tigger]

Even if it's proven that she's not his biologically, he's still the dad by virtue of bonding and years invested.  Not sure but he may be able to stop the DNA testing if it states in their divorce papers "two children were born of this marriage, OSD, born XX/XX/XX and YSD, XX/XX/XX".  If she signed it, she acknowledged that they were both his kids.  She should have said something then if she were going to do it.  That's just my opinion though.  Not sure how that stands legally.

[ocean]

Did he take test yet? You can do your own so at least  you know what the outcome will be. Does DH know this other man? Should be interesting how this plays out since he has primary custody. My guess is if she is this other man's that they will start short visits and move upwards. Can you start daughter in counseling, either way she is going to need someone to help her through this. A neutral party would be good so she is not hearing it from you or her mom. Go and interview some and find one that meets your families needs.

[Mom1Step2]

No, there hasnt been a test yet. We thought about doing just a home blood test because DH & BM are both O, so if SD was anything else it would be apparent.

She has been in counseling in the past & I brought it up to DH that she should probably start going back. She seems to be unaffected by this news so far, but she is told not to tell us anything, so it just may be second nature.

[tigger]

No, there hasnt been a test yet. We thought about doing just a home blood test because DH & BM are both O, so if SD was anything else it would be apparent.

You don't already know her blood type?  That should be in her medical records somewhere.  I knew my kids' blood types before we left the hospital.

[Mom1Step2]

Blood type - Not that I can find anywhere. It is not in the birth certificate & we have never had a reason to have it tested.

[tigger]

Maybe it's because I grew up in and around the hospital.  I can't imagine not knowing my child's blood type in an emergency.  Type O is the universal donor (anyone can accept it in an emergency) but a type O person can only receive Type O blood. 

Are you sure of BM's blood type?

[Mom1Step2]

DH is sure of both of their blood types (O-)

DH has decided not to try & find anything out, just wait to see if she gets a paternity test ordered.

Still upsetting that BM is having SD talk to this guy on the phone.... "Here's your new daddy honey!"

[ocean]

There are now mail in paternity tests you can do yourself. Look at your pharmacy. I think it is a swab from dad and child and send in.

[mdegol]

Oh, that is so sad.  You can only tell her that it doesn't matter.  You love her no matter what.  Legally, it depends on the state.  In my state, as long as it is within a marriage, there is a period of time (3 years) to declare someone else "the father" after which, husband dad is dad legally as long as he doesn't agree to relinquish his parental rights. In other words, you definitely have an argument against DH losing his parental rights.  Especially with how old the child is.  He might be able to stop the admissibility of the DNA test. 

[Mom1Step2]

I dont know if that would be the best thing. I wouldnt want SD to hate DH for not allowing her to know the truth. I know that would be the spin that BM would put on it.

Who knows....

[mdegol]

You can't control what BM does. She's going to say things that are going to mess this child up-this is obvious from her terrible behavior.  If I were a child, I think that my biggest fear would be any preceived rejection from the man I knew as my father.  Thus, a failure to fight could be seen that way.  There was a case like this I saw once (the guy didn't want to pay child support) and he refused to have the non-biological child on visits and wanted to terminate his rights.  The interviews with the child were heartbreaking.   The most painful part of the situation was the rejection from her father.  If she is talking to the other guy then she knows the truth and she can develop a relationship with him.  I think the best way for DH to help her through this is to fight.  You can do a DNA test without her knowledge privately.  BM will probably tell her the results anyway, but I wouldn't even act like it matters.  Even if the results exist, you can ask that the court render the results inadmissible.  I am not certain it will work, but you have a very strong "best interests" argument. 
I guess if I were him I would say-the test means nothing. I love you-I am your dad forever.  You are my daughter.  She can then digest the rest of it without having to worry about a rejection from her father.  Legally, it is in this child's best interest (IMHO) that DH retains his rights and custody.  I can see you love her, so I am sure you just want to do what is best for her without being selfish.  I can't see how displacing the child would serve her interest in any way.  While it is BM's fault due to her deception (if it is even true)-this would be no different than a child that finds out they are adopted at a late age.  The child shouldn't experience any changes to their life other than an additional relationship with her BF.

[Mom1Step2]

We would love to do a test ourselves, but dont want anyone to know we were doing it. There is no way we could do a swab or whatever was needed without 11yo figuring out what was going on. That is why DH wants to just wait to see if it is ordered by the court. He doesnt want to seem like it matters to him (though of course he wants to know).

I guess he could refuse to do the test if she just asks (without court order), but she could always get the other guy to do the test to prove in reverse.

God, when did my life become a Jerry Springer show?

[ocean]

At this point BM already told child, so it is already out there in the open. Look online, maybe there is a hair one that you can do...then child would not really know. I would not do anything from BM unless it was court ordered since he has custody.