so we left the country: advice on how to continue and raise a healthy son

[Tana]

First of all, let me say I am posting on this custody list when in reality, this issue may never turn into a custody issue.I guess it is my positive thinking assuming that one day father would want some kind of custody.
My concern at this point is how to raise a healthy child and how to keep a decent communication with his father and paternal side of the family.
After hoping for some paternal feelings and seeing there were none since my baby´s father is actually marrid, I decided to relocate abroad where my ENTIRE family lives.
My question now id advice on the following:

shall I give my address to the babys father? We don´t know where he lives (only a state and city)
shall I give the address to the babys aunts ? they have been really involved
Everyone knows the country where we are, period.They get updates by email
shall I close the child support case I opened in CA? Part of me believe it was the right thing to do for my son

He is too little to ask questions about dad but those are things I will have to deal with later

thanks everyone and please don´t blame me for blocking any opportunities for my son to bond with dad but dad kept saying it was ok for us to leave and that he would never attempt to get custody of the baby

thanks
Tana

[brwneyedmom]

All I can say is "SHAME ON YOU" for leaving. Yes, you should have given contact info BEFORE you left so you should do so immediately give info to the aunt. If you wanted to raise a healthy son, you should have never left. Period.

[Tana]

we don´t know if I was not supposed to leave
We don´t know where dad llives
we don´t have a single relative in the US
if I had an accident or an emergency my son would have probably ended in foster care as all my relatives are abroad
here, if I have an emergecy he has so many people
dad was simply unavailable for him and if he has a change of heart, he can email me

[ocean]

If you have an open case in CA and not show up and he does, he may get US custody on paper if he proves you left country with an American born child.

You would deal with your child as a long distance relationship. Many families do not live close to their kids. This is a baby and "most" dad's do not know how to deal with an infant, especially when they are not their 24/7. Ask for emails for his family/dad. Send them pictures once a month and a little update. If they email you, answer. Once you are settled, have an open invitation to your country to see child.

I would be very careful with that open court case. If dad took paternity test then you are in the middle of a case. Most times fathers are told to wait for results to give money/support/visits. He may be waiting for official results and dealing how his marriage will work out over this child. Once he is deemed dad, they will decide custody/visitation. He may never take it but he may start once it is court ordered.

Do you have way to contact dad?

[Tana]

thanks for your reply OCEAN.
the day I left, I called Child support and they said the case could go on and it might be difficult but doable. They said nothing was done yet as it was a pretty new case so basically he only got a ltter of intent and they were still trying to calculate earnings before srving him. I was told he could contest paternity and w might need a DNA and I would have to take baby.

So that is how the case was left. I didnt close it as even though it could bring custody issues, I feel it might be the best way to protect out child.
I knoe CA is 50/ 50 and I am not only out of the state but out of the country but honestly speaking, the father has not provided anything in 4 months, not even a diaper and not even a caring message not even when he knew his son was at NICU.

His sisters are angry at him not at me for moving as they know as mothers how imporant it is to feel lovd and accepted.
I can contact the father by email and I have sent him updates but he never responds.
Before leaving I was able to text him to a skype or google number as I know the number he provided me with is not his cell ph and I dont have his house number
I know some people on this list blame me for leaving but what kind of environment was the father providing his son with? lies and no love at all

I have been very nice to paternal side of the family.They havent asked for a physical address but they have emailed me and enjoying gtting photos.If they want to visit, they are welcome to
father said that I will see him again.You see, he says you will see me..he does not realize I am interested in his son seeing him not in us seeing each other
the last day I was in the US, the father texted me that he wanted to come by. I told him that I was running last errands but that the baby was home with the nanny and she could assist him changing him and feeding him. He did not show up.

I am not angry at him and I am trying to stay open without generating hard feelings on any side
that´s why I asked for advice on this group

[mdegol]

Hmm, you didn't mention that there was a child support case already open.  As ocean said, if you don't show up and he doesn't contest paternity he could get custody on paper.  A default judgement.  Think about this: He gets custody on paper, he doesn't have to pay child support but you do.  Even if he doesn't want custody, any halfway decent lawyer will tell him it is in his best interest.  People change their mind and end up wanting custody, especially if they have to pay thousands in child support.  Money is a touchy subject.  These situations are very fluid.  So you should keep track and show up to any case that continues because you could be asking for a big surprise if you don't.  Make sure the court has your new address.

[Tana]

well I guess I can always close the case
we will see
I know it is a risk but I also can´t see a judge asking me to turn my son to a father unless they prove I am unfit and there is no way he can prove that.
I know 50/50 is ideal and I know he could request custody but it would be insane to see a judge removing a son from a mother´s side.
I hope this never gets into an international battle
we will see
but I didnt want to see my son in the middle of so many lies

[ocean]

He really would not have to prove much. You took an American born child out of the country during court. Most states will not allow you to bring child out of state. You were able to take him because you did not put him on birth certificate. Really caution you about what could happen at next hearing. Usually at a child support hearing, they will ask for financials and then set up joint custody with some sort of visitation schedule. Family court does not make sense and he will make it look like you are hiding child in another country,especially if he gets a lawyer.

If I were your ex's wife, we would wait for paternity test to come back and start to deal with issues. I would probably not want to meet you and be mad at my husband if I did not leave him over this. I would not want to be your friend and it would take time for me to even think of co-parenting your child. Courts do not really care about what happened before, there job is what should we do now...If you ex has seen a lawyer, he has been advised not to do anything until court. He may be doing this...

Is there an open court date coming up? If child support has papers then a date will be coming soon?

[Tana]

california child support keep stating that they have nothing to do with custody and visitation.
he will have to open a case
i may consider closing the child support case

[Heston]

If the father is granted custody and then wants the child returned, all he has to do is get a lawyer to use the laws of the Hague Convention and if the country you are in is covered by it, the child can be removed.