Husband's Ex Wife has Borderline Personality Disorder

[IndyMadsens]

My husband and I have full physical and legal custody of (his) our daughter and have for the last 5 years.  The Ex has a history of serious mental and antisocial issues for several years, dating back to way before daughter was born.  She was first diagnosed with BPD several years ago, didn't "like" that diagnosis, and refused to participate in any psychotherapy sessions/treatment regimen.  Six years ago, she wa "rediagnosed" with Bipolar disorder.  Did a little better (when she was on meds) but has been off meds for two years, and since we are demanding documentation from a psychiatrist that she is emotionally and mentally stable enough to have extended, unsupervised parenting time with daughter.  (In her most recent episodes, she Moved from Indiana to New York, and then to Florida, all with no notice to us, our Daughter, or the courts!) 

Is it really difficult to get "Supervised Visits Only" in this situation, especially since there is an issue with distance?  (We live in Indiana, she lives in Florida). 

Also, how do we approach the subject with our Daughter?  Do we try to explain the differences between the two disorders, or just leave that alone for now?  We are having problems with her making grandiose plans and promises to daughter, and her getting her heart stepped on time and time again when those promises are broken.   I have a wonderful relationship with SD, and she calls me "Mom" and we are closer than she is with her bio mom. 

I currently have very minimal contact with her, and if anything, it is through email.  How should we handle communications between BPD and daughter?

[ocean]

How old is child?
You do not have any legal rights to her so every letter/email should only come from dad (but you can help write it..lol).
What is the current court order state about visits? You can modify based on her medical issues but you will have to prove things changed since last court order. Mom can do supervised in child's state so she would come to you instead of child coming. If mom has family in new state, you can have it supervised that a family member be there while she is visiting.
Always communicate with mom through email in a business type letter, less words better. Answer direct questions that need answering, ignore all others.
Is child in counseling? If you think she needs it, the therapist can explain mom's disease to her. Depending on age, you can just not tell her for a while and answer questions as they come up.

[wind]

If you already have custoxy why is this coming up? Is x trying to get time?

If so, stop referring to her as "bpd". Disrespectful and you just said that she has a more recent dx which was treated more successfully.

Grandiose is a symptom of bipolarvand, if appropriate, can be explained as such.

The issue seems tobe how to coordinate safe contact bbetween mom amd child. Grandiose is not unsafe. Yes, shared custody is disruptive and complicated, in the best of circumstances (dont get me started) but kids should know ther parents.

The only way you have a legitimate right to review her med records is if she, say, drives drunk, ot stays out with kid all night. Doesnt sound like shes had a chancd to do that, in a long time.

Her involvement would be a big adjustment for all. Try to see it from pov of what is, long term, best for child. Dont try to punish mom for mental illness, dont mischaracterize mental illness, mental illness doesnt mean a parent cant parent --after all, your h chose to be with and reproduce with his ex and you say these issues existed then.

Severity of mental illness doesnt change just because people fall out of love. I know its frustrating but try to be as neutral about this issue as possible.

At the very least, rationality gives you practice in dealing w mom and will look great in ct. Good luck.

[OneMan]

Yes, shared custody is disruptive and complicated, in the best of circumstances (dont get me started) but kids should know ther parents.

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If you feel that shared custody is disruptive, that's fine, but please don't state this as a matter of fact. There's certainly nothing in the nature of shared custody that makes it complicated. People definitely make it complicated, but people makes so many things complicated.

I wouldn't want anybody who considering shared custody thinking out of the box that it's bad by nature. My opinion is that it is the ideal.