So Confused — In Need of Help

[insearchofsoul]

STBXH (soon to be ex-husband) and I separated over a year ago, our divorce won't be final for another couple of months. We currently live in the same city, however neither of us has family here. I lost my job two years ago and haven't been able to find a full time job since. I was on unemployment and when we separated my unemployment ran out. I'm on public assistance now and live in public housing. My STBXH and I share custody with DS (dear son) going to the other's residence every other week. STBXH has another child whose mother (and her whole family) lives locally. He sees her every other weekend.

I feel it would be in DS's and my best interest to move back in with my parents for a while so that I can get on my feet, they live 400 miles away in a different state. STBXH and I are both struggling financially and I feel this is a good opportunity while DS is still young (he just turned 2), to get our stuff together for his and our futures.

STBXH of course doesn't want me to go. At first he wanted us to treat custody on a 'school schedule' basis, DS would stay with STBXH for 9 mos and I would have visitation during the Summers. This makes little to no sense to me because I feel like I would be able to offer DS more stability, etc., at my parents' house (including a house with room, bed, food, etc., a backyard to play in; lots of family and a big, loving support system; daycare [my mom would watch him]; etc.). Then he suggested DS stay with each of us for six months.

I said that I planned on coming back down to our current city in time for DS to start school so we can be in the same city and share in all of those experiences; he doesn't believe me (of course anything can happen, but that is what I am planning on/intending).

I just don't know what to do. If I do nothing, everything stays the same ... STBHX and I are still struggling, I'm still in public housing and on public assistance (STBXH has said in the past that he fears DS looking up to me because of my being in this situation) ... it may get better, it may not. But this is a guaranteed step up.

I've offered, instead of the six month rotation because I feel that that would be HORRIBLE for DS, that I would drive down one weekend a month for DS to spend with STBXH, in addition to other vacations and extended periods of visitation. This isn't good enough for him.

I'm trying to better myself, I want to make a good life for DS and I feel that this is a good way to do so and have him be taken care of at the same time. STBHX doesn't have the resources or support system to take care of DS on his own.

I haven't had the chance to meet with a lawyer yet. There is child support in place (because I'm on public assistance), but no custody agreement/order on file. We currently reside in Virginia.

Please understand, I don't want to 'take' DS away from STBXH, it just so happens that there is the issue of distance. I'm clearly willing to give access to DS, etc., as stated above. Things just need to change, for the better, and I know that that would happen if DS and I were to move back in with my parents.

Please help. I need any and all input, advice, etc. ...

[brwneyedmom]

If it's not a good enough plan for you to have your DS during the summers and/or one weekend a month, why should it be good enough for your STBX? When you are contemplating custody situations, ALWAYS ask yourself if you would accept what your are proposing for the other parent. If you say "no" to a plan, then don't expect the other parent to agree.
He may feel that he is the more stable parent. Where would you stay every month when you bring your DS to "visit" with his father? How will your financial status be improved in three years when he is old enough for school?
This site promotes access to both parents, equally. Be prepared to be boiled alive. Some will do it more kindly.
I hope that the questions that I ask will give you some things to think over.

[Giggles]

I was once in your situation...X and I were divorcing and baby girl was under 2.  I didn't have a job and didn't know how I was going to take care of myself let alone baby girl.  I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  I put baby girls needs ahead of my own and gave X custody.  He was the stable one and I knew I was not.  Sure if I moved home to my parents MY life would stablize but then baby girl would be 1000's of miles from her father....I knew that wasn't fair to him or baby girl. 

You're not being fair to your son or to yourself.  You need to stablize yourself before putting your DS in this kind of situation.  Taking a child into "unknowns" is NOT stablizing his life.  Let STBX have DS with a stipulation that when you ARE stable that custody reverts to 50/50.  THat is what my X and I did.

My baby girl sigh....she's not a baby anymore.  She's now 20 y/o, going to college, has a part time job as well as the support and love of BOTH her parents.  Less than a year after the divorce, I had a great job, my own place and we reverted to the 50/50 custody.  It was great for us and for baby girl.  We did week on, week off with a strong right to first refusal (meaning that if either of us needed a sitter during our time, we would first ask the other parent) and it worked great.

[insearchofsoul]

I would hate for it to be the other way around, that's true. But if it meant that DS had what he needed then that would be what is best for him. The reason I'm not comfortable with giving X full custody is because he doesn't have the financial means or the support system to help him to take care of DS.

I'm glad this site promotes both parents — I've sent many people here and have used it as a reference myself when my X and I were together (he has a daughter). I'm not trying to be selfish, and I am looking for opinions of all sorts, perhaps pointing out something that I don't see. This is part of the reason why I've posted this on a public forum of this nature.

But as stated above, X doesn't have the resources to take care of DS full time, which is why I feel DS coming with me is the better option for him.

[ocean]

Many judges are not allowing parents to move out of state so you may loose in court if he files. He is already proving he can take care of child every other week . If he brings this to court, you probably will not be allowed to take child out of state until after trial which takes many months, sometimes a year or more. Maybe you move, and do every 10 days -two weeks? You would have to do the driving since you are moving.

[Giggles]

I would hate for it to be the other way around, that's true. But if it meant that DS had what he needed then that would be what is best for him. The reason I'm not comfortable with giving X full custody is because he doesn't have the financial means or the support system to help him to take care of DS.

I'm glad this site promotes both parents — I've sent many people here and have used it as a reference myself when my X and I were together (he has a daughter). I'm not trying to be selfish, and I am looking for opinions of all sorts, perhaps pointing out something that I don't see. This is part of the reason why I've posted this on a public forum of this nature.

But as stated above, X doesn't have the resources to take care of DS full time, which is why I feel DS coming with me is the better option for him.

Now I'm confused...you state that your X doesn't have the financial means to support your DS....but then you state you're on Public Assistance....is your X working?  If so then he has more financial support than you do....right?

When I gave my X custody...he did have the financial aspect but I wasn't so sure of the other support.  He proved me wrong and really stepped up to the plate where our daughter was concerned.  I think you may be surprised at how resorceful Fathers can be.  They may not do the things the way that "Mothers" do...but Fathers can contribute in ways you've never considered.  Especially since you have a boy....

Also like Ocean said....many judges are not allowing move aways and if they do....the parent that moved away is 100% responsible for the transportation costs!!

[insearchofsoul]

I would hate for it to be the other way around, that's true. But if it meant that DS had what he needed then that would be what is best for him. The reason I'm not comfortable with giving X full custody is because he doesn't have the financial means or the support system to help him to take care of DS.

I'm glad this site promotes both parents — I've sent many people here and have used it as a reference myself when my X and I were together (he has a daughter). I'm not trying to be selfish, and I am looking for opinions of all sorts, perhaps pointing out something that I don't see. This is part of the reason why I've posted this on a public forum of this nature.

But as stated above, X doesn't have the resources to take care of DS full time, which is why I feel DS coming with me is the better option for him.

Now I'm confused...you state that your X doesn't have the financial means to support your DS....but then you state you're on Public Assistance....is your X working?  If so then he has more financial support than you do....right?

When I gave my X custody...he did have the financial aspect but I wasn't so sure of the other support.  He proved me wrong and really stepped up to the plate where our daughter was concerned.  I think you may be surprised at how resorceful Fathers can be.  They may not do the things the way that "Mothers" do...but Fathers can contribute in ways you've never considered.  Especially since you have a boy....

Also like Ocean said....many judges are not allowing move aways and if they do....the parent that moved away is 100% responsible for the transportation costs!!

What I mean is I don't believe he has the financial resources to support DS full-time. Yes, I am on public assistance and he has a job, but after he pays taxes, insurance, rent, child support for his other daughter, gas for his car, food, etc., he wouldn't have enough money to afford to put DS in daycare, etc. We struggled while we were together, and now we're struggling apart. That's why I thought that perhaps my moving home with DS would allow us to get on our feet a little more financially: he could save any excess money he would be spending every other week and be working on savings, bills, etc., and then same thing for me at my parents' house because daycare would be taken care of and any money I do make, even if it's 10 hours a week at minimum wage, I could save for the future.

I hope I'm making some sort of sense here. I'm sorry if I'm not.

[ocean]

What does he do now for daycare on his weeks? He may qualify if he has her fulltime for benefits with her depending on his job too. If he is asking for her full-time he must have something is his head. Talk to him and ask, how would it work if he had her full time..who would watch her? Maybe he can do 3 weeks and you one week every month. This will help him with daycare and give you time with her until you come back into town.

[insearchofsoul]

Daycare right now is provided through the state as a part of my public assistance while I do job-related activities to find work, so neither of us pays anything at the moment. When I asked him how he was going to provide for daycare expenses, he didn't want to tell me about it and simply said "I'll figure it out." I've just heard "I'll figure it out" before, millions of times over the course of our relationship, and things didn't seem to quite ever get figured out. So knowing what I do, I worry that he might be over-inflating his ability to take care of expenses. Perhaps next time we have a discussion about this he will be more open about it with me. I just worry.

[wind]

Im new and dont want to misstep, but heres what I think.

You sound logical to me. It sounds like you are on assistance but x and you use that assistance. If so, x is NOT capable of supporting ds on his own. Also, you report he wont share details of his plans to care for ds -- thats not a good sign for the future. Its hard to coparent without clear and spontaneous communication.

If x is already refusing to communicate very important info he is either not willing to communicate or not willing to share his plans or he has no plans.

You have a plan. You do not have a ct ordered arrangement so it is unlikely you will be stuck with either a big fight or transport costs. It would be different if you had an ordered plan that you needed a judge to approve but you dont seem to be saying that. Right now, you can make this decision without so many comp,ications. Make sure you do so ethically and rationally.

Again, no matter how valuable both parents are, they need to share info and communicate. If hes not that leaves you with tough decisions. Id see a lawyer and find out yout rights.

Where will you stay in town? Do you both have reliable transport for travel? How well does ds already know your family? How well do you get along with them? Why did you move away?

Jusr issues to consider. Good luck.