Please help, serious ex-wife issues

[xboo]

I am posting on behalf of my bf, just so you all know.

The situation is as follows:

Ex-wife has a restraining order against BF.

Ex-wife has been doing nothing but causing trouble since they separated, but especially since the divorce decree was finally put into place 6 months ago. She has called CPS with false claims (dismissed obviously) but worse she calls the police on violations of the restraining order, even though no violation has taken place, she claims "verbal assault" and bf gets put into jail on a 24 hold. This has now happened 3 times. The police have said if it continues to happen they will have to press real charges against BF.

Ex-wife fought to have the child exchange location changed to a public place in the decree, instead of at the police station. She refuses to meet at the police station. BF knows he will need a lawyer to get this changed and although he is already in major and serious debt from the divorce, he is willing to do so. The issue is what is to be done about exchanges in the meantime. He cannot do another exchange at the public place and risk arrest. The police have said although he can call and ask for a police escort, they make take up to an hour to get there, and ex-wife will not wait for an hour and the times in the decree cannot be changed without a court order anyway.

BF also wants the best for his children and realizes all of this is causing them un-due stress. He, nor I, believe that ex-wife is truly out for their best interests for various reasons, but he believes that this tyranny will never stop. He believes that she will do whatever she can to get him put into jail or to get his kids t aken away from him, even if it involves many, many lies.

I feel as if this is a no win situation. And worse, my own children (from a previous marriage) are in the middle of all of this too.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[MixedBag]

1.  YOU need to stay far away from this -- and so do your children.

2.  Dad needs to file to fix the order.  Ask the judge to designate the local police department.

3.  Ask the judge to authorize a third party for pick up -- and that person should not be YOU.

A very detailed order is what Dad needs....

And start figuring out how to document an alibi for dad whenever mom says XYZ, and he gets picked up.

[ocean]

Video tape the exchanges, and do not have him speak (you either). Just say "come into the car with daddy, say goodbye to mommy". Do not say anything no matter what she says to either of you. Then she can not say anything.
Do not answer the phone, if kids talk to her, just have them dial and hang up when they are done. Do not say anything else. At this point, I would limit any phone calls to what is court ordered. Let phone calls go to voicemail and since there is an RO in place he can not answer or talk to her unless it is okay in the RO.

He can file himself. It is called a modification of visitation. Some places it is free or small fee to file. You do not need a lawyer and put the reason "dad requests that exchanged be done in front of police station again, as mother has a RO against him and keeps calling police after exchanges to say she violated order. Father requests to exchanges in the xx police department parking lot and that mother will stay in her car and send child out to fathers car. Mother and father will not speak to each other .Father requests that he is allowed to email mother for child issues only and is allowed to speak to mother regarding emergencies of the children during his care (and mother will call him on her parenting time). You may have to do this at the RO hearing but try family court as they may do it too especially if the RO was given in family court. Also write, it would be in the best interest of the kids to have a peaceful exchange between parents and that the police are not called every time he has children.

You can also do a third party request, (maybe even ask that mother may not be present at exchanges and that a third party do the exchange, grandma? friend? whoever she can get). Or your BF can request it be done outside your/her house curb side...child gets out and comes to car without mother or she drops child off to your house, and does not get out.

I would also ask on the modification for court order counseling with the children with your BF and them only. Seems like they are being told a lot and would be good to have a third party involved.

[xboo]

1.  YOU need to stay far away from this -- and so do your children.

2.  Dad needs to file to fix the order.  Ask the judge to designate the local police department.

3.  Ask the judge to authorize a third party for pick up -- and that person should not be YOU.

A very detailed order is what Dad needs....

And start figuring out how to document an alibi for dad whenever mom says XYZ, and he gets picked up.

Unfortunately, staying "far away from this" is not an option. BF and I live together and have since March. He is going to file to fix the order and to designate the local police department. As for third party pick-up, there is no one available to do it other than me. BF's parents live an hour away.

[xboo]

Video tape the exchanges, and do not have him speak (you either). Just say "come into the car with daddy, say goodbye to mommy". Do not say anything no matter what she says to either of you. Then she can not say anything.
Do not answer the phone, if kids talk to her, just have them dial and hang up when they are done. Do not say anything else. At this point, I would limit any phone calls to what is court ordered. Let phone calls go to voicemail and since there is an RO in place he can not answer or talk to her unless it is okay in the RO.

He can file himself. It is called a modification of visitation. Some places it is free or small fee to file. You do not need a lawyer and put the reason "dad requests that exchanged be done in front of police station again, as mother has a RO against him and keeps calling police after exchanges to say she violated order. Father requests to exchanges in the xx police department parking lot and that mother will stay in her car and send child out to fathers car. Mother and father will not speak to each other .Father requests that he is allowed to email mother for child issues only and is allowed to speak to mother regarding emergencies of the children during his care (and mother will call him on her parenting time). You may have to do this at the RO hearing but try family court as they may do it too especially if the RO was given in family court. Also write, it would be in the best interest of the kids to have a peaceful exchange between parents and that the police are not called every time he has children.

You can also do a third party request, (maybe even ask that mother may not be present at exchanges and that a third party do the exchange, grandma? friend? whoever she can get). Or your BF can request it be done outside your/her house curb side...child gets out and comes to car without mother or she drops child off to your house, and does not get out.

I would also ask on the modification for court order counseling with the children with your BF and them only. Seems like they are being told a lot and would be good to have a third party involved.

Thank you, t his is very helpful. I didn't think he would be able to file without a lawyer as the only thing I found that he could file without a lawyer involved the other parent interfering with visitation. She actually has refused to let him have them once, but other than that is just the problem with the lies and the law enforcement being involved.

I had thought of video taping the exchanges, but I suppose I would have to be there to do so? He can't exactly video tape it himself, can he? I was trying to stay out of this as much as possible. I was actually doing the exchanges myself for awhile to keep this from happening but she went off on me so I stopped.

[ocean]

He can do an audio at least, keep his cell phone on video and tape it, or you can go into car, stay there, tape from inside car. Once mom sees you taping it MAY even make her do the right thing knowing she is being taped. You do not say anything, remain silent. If BF has a friend he can bring someone else.

What state are you in? Many states have the paperwork online to fill out. You can call the local family court and ask where their intake department is located. Get there half hour before opening, bring all documentation that was already ordered. Divorce order, family court order and RO order.

[xboo]

We're in MO. He's got plenty of friends but none that can assist everytime. There are multiple exchanges per week because the custody is split 40/60 (he has the 40.) He has said he thinks they have far too much contact with this type of a custody schedule and that is just is not working. Ex-wife is not flexible on time, meeting place, or anything else- and will of course do anything she can to provoke arguments.

[ocean]

He just needs to stay cool and smile. She wants to get under his skin. Just have him say "come into dads car, say goodbye to mommy". Remember she can be taping to and if he says anything he can go to jail. Have him tape her audio. It may not be good enough in court but it will be good enough when the police come knocking on his door and they can hear for themselves what happened. Let the tape roll a few seconds when he pulls away and has kids in car then shut off. Keep each one, download to computer with date. It is a pain. It may be better for you to go first time and tape it and she may stop her antics knowing she is being taped, remember both of you no words, make it into a funny game with both of you. Sometimes you have to laugh at what the ex is doing because she can not let things go. Never bring your kids and do not talk to them about this whole situation. And for now, do not leave them along with her kids. Protect yourself. Court is slow and the RO will prob stay in place for a year or more but he needs a more defined order since there is so much exchanges. Can he pick up from school instead? Summers are different but maybe ask to get them from school and drop them back off at school next day, eliminating the need to see her. If you do that , you need to get the modification papers still but add the changes for visitation. Does she have a lawyer? If she does, send him a letter stating that due to his client making false accusations at exchanges he will be video and audio taping all exchanges.

[MixedBag]

oh yes, you can stay far away.

Don't go to the exchanges....

Don't answer the phone when she calls...

Don't answer his e-mails....

Don't, don't don't....come here get advice and then pass it back to him and let him take all the action.

If the divorce is 6 months old, and you moved in in march.....you are part of the problem in her eyes....(not YOU personally, but anyone that moved in so soon after a divorce).

[xboo]

As far as not going to exchanges and not talking to her-- I haven't been doing either of those things except for when I was doing the exchanges myself without him present at all. The divorce is only 6 months old but they had been separated nearly year prior to that and SHE was the petitioner -- she had a new bf long before I was around. Also,  the RO runs out in 2 weeks but I expect she will get it ruined since he has "violated" it 3 times.

It's honestly become a bigger issue during the summer. During the school year he was picking up/dropping off from a babysitter, but now ex-wife is not working except at night so I don't think that will happen again this school year.

I think recording until the order can be modified is a very good idea.. but likely video recording because I think that will be the only thing that stops him from getting arrested. She is not above screaming "assault!" if she knows it is only audio recording. If he gets arrested for this during the week he is likely to lose his job, since that has already happened once, and of course that would be horrible for everyone.