non-custodial dad refuses to compromise temporary visitation

[mousyeyes]

Going thru divorce & have custody of 12 yr old.  Dad has temporary visitation, since June 2012, of every Thurs 6p - 9:30p & every other weekend.  Since Aug 21 dad has not kept his Thurs visitation b/c he wants to go/do what he wants & if child doesn't want to go, doesn't have to.  Child & I are involved in not-for-profit haunted house & child loves it.  Involvement in haunted house requires some schedule changes in visitation & dad refuses to cooperate.  I've sent a letter offering several options & dad responds by phone & text that he will not change b/c "court order say this is my visitation time & I'm sticking to it."  Child has already missed working one haunted house night b/c of this.  This coming up weekend (weekend before Halloween) is also child's birthday & it is my year to have child.  Dad has already told child not doing anything for birthday (yes this is how nasty he is).  Child wants to work haunted house for birthday & dad again refuses to compromise.  I've even offered (in the same letter) several options, including giving dad weekend following halloween (not dad's weekend) as a make-up weekend.  Child has already said "I'm going to work haunted house."  I'm afraid if I don't force child to go with dad (even though my year to have child for birthday) the police will be called (already happened once b/c child refused to return to dad's after church b/c of nasty things saying about me & my parents -- report states dad is victim of visitation non-compliance & child is perpetrator).  I'm afraid I will be arrested or it will cause a problem with my upcoming divorce hearing on Nov 5.  Child doesn't want to be with dad & is already seeing a therapist b/c of dad's mental abuse.  It kills me to force child to visit with dad.  Any ideas?  I've already contacted my atty & they've contacted dad's atty.  Dad's atty hasn't responded back except to say "I have an appt with ....... & I'll get back to you (my atty)"  It is one week before childs birthday & the day I need to make the decision.  Please HELP!

[ocean]

If you have child this year on his birthday, why is it an issue? Is it dad's weekend but also child's birthday?

At 12 years old, dad comes before "job". Keep track on when dad uses his time and at the divorce hearing, you can say "dad has had Thursday's since xx date and took him XX days out of a possible XX Thursdays. If he does not plan on using Thursdays, lets change it so the child is not waiting to see what he is doing".

I know you probably do not mean to but by you saying yes he can work the haunted house, is telling child that comes before dad. You should of said, you can work the weekends you are with me. You did not mention there has been an issue of dad taking weekend time, so son should be going to dad's on his time.

You tried to compromise and dad won't so stick to the court order. If you have him for birthday, go get him back for his birthday. Is there distance involved between you and his father?

[Kitty C.]

You might want to check your CO again, but in most custody orders, birthdays and holidays trump regular visitation.  Now, if this is Dad's weekend, but you still get child for so many hours on his birthday, then you should go P/U the child at the time the CO allows you to.

Otherwise, if it's Dad's time, then child does NOT have a say in who he wants to be with or why.

[mousyeyes]

If you have child this year on his birthday, why is it an issue? Is it dad's weekend but also child's birthday?

At 12 years old, dad comes before "job". Keep track on when dad uses his time and at the divorce hearing, you can say "dad has had Thursday's since xx date and took him XX days out of a possible XX Thursdays. If he does not plan on using Thursdays, lets change it so the child is not waiting to see what he is doing".

I know you probably do not mean to but by you saying yes he can work the haunted house, is telling child that comes before dad. You should of said, you can work the weekends you are with me. You did not mention there has been an issue of dad taking weekend time, so son should be going to dad's on his time.

You tried to compromise and dad won't so stick to the court order. If you have him for birthday, go get him back for his birthday. Is there distance involved between you and his father?

Yes child's birthday is during dads weekend visitation.  Dad originally said child could go work haunted house so that is what was planned.  Dad does nothing with child on any visit; child sits in room whole weekend.  Dad is big control freak (one of reasons divorcing) & has been doing this type of thing since divorce was filed -- not showing up for visitations, returning child early (b/c tired of child), etc. 

There isn't any distance between myself & dad

[mousyeyes]

You might want to check your CO again, but in most custody orders, birthdays and holidays trump regular visitation.  Now, if this is Dad's weekend, but you still get child for so many hours on his birthday, then you should go P/U the child at the time the CO allows you to.

Otherwise, if it's Dad's time, then child does NOT have a say in who he wants to be with or why.

CO doesn't state any certain time that I get child for birthday, just says my year for birthday is 2012.  This is where the issue comes in to play.  I've offered dad time during the day to spend with child in place of the time child would be with me during haunted house/birthday. 

As stated in earlier reply dad doesn't really want anything to do with child just wants to make life difficult for child & myself b/c dad knows child will be upset & I will be the one who has to deal with it (originally).  Dad has control/anger issues & by making child upset, child would be going to his house with attitude & a nasty encounter will take place for the whole weekend.  Dad even told me "Don't tell ........ I won't let her go to haunted house for birthday.  B/c if you do then she will know that it was me that wouldn't let her go."

[ocean]

I would just send him an email
Ex
"In the court order it states 2012 is my year with xx for her birthday. I will be picking her up at xx pm and return her to you at xxPM (If it is Fri or Sat, if it is Sunday then just keep her)".
Thank you
You

He is right about saying that it was not him who said no, it is his time and that should of been discussed between the adults and then if he said no,you could tell child "the judge said this weekend is dad's weekend but I get you for your birthday. I will pick you up from dad's at xx pm". As child get older (much older...14-15, then they can call dad directly about changes).

If/When you go back to court, get specific times for all parenting times. Dates and times are so important along with the pick up and drop off location. Summer, vacations, school days, holidays all included.

[tigger]

He is right about saying that it was not him who said no, it is his time and that should of been discussed between the adults

She said that he gave permission and then rescinded the permission after the child had been told that he could go.  I am learning the hard way that honesty is the best policy.  I spent years trying to protect the boys from the truth and am discovering that I should have just been honest with them.  I shouldn't have tried to protect their dad from his mistakes.