Want to say violent kid cannot visit

[LHiromi]

Hi everyone -
Looking for some advice and shared experiences...

I divorced in 2005 and have had full physical custody of 3 kids since. They go to Dad's every other weekend, unless he has other plans, so on average they have spent 3-4 days a month with him. He is remarried, and busy with their social and entertainment pursuits.

The oldest, 15.5 yrs, has been a handful from the start. He never outgrew his early childhood behaviors of tantrums and aggression, and I sought pro help years ago after all of the excuses ran out (adopted from overseas, broken home, has to switch between households, just an emotional person, he's a boy). He has 3 mental health diagnoses now, and is on medication which works beautifully to get the obstacles out of the way for him. My son can control himself when he wants to - He is terrified of his Dad, and wants to appear a certain way at school, so he holds it together just fine over and over again until he gets home. Although I have explained things again and again to Dad, he simply sticks with "this is normal" and now "this is normal for teenagers". Of course it is not.

He is also in therapy x 18 months, and has simply refused to follow any of the strategies for self control and cooling down that have been given to him. He yes ma'ams his way through sessions and goes right back to it, with not a second thought.

In my home and under my care, this kid has created a sense of tension and anxiety every day for us all these years - We do not know if it will be before or after school, bedtime, mealtime, shower time... when is he going to blow? And will he simply cuss me out, or will he throw something? Or slam a door or shove a chair? Or break a toy or smash a hole in the wall?

This guy smashed me to the ground 6 months ago, and I took him to Juveneile and filled out a report. They "talked to him" and that was the end of that.
1 month ago, he threw my dining table (200+lbs) across the room, destroying it. Three Sheriffs 'talked to him'.

I made his Dad come pick him up, and want to file to change custody to Dad.

The main reason I am here and posting is that I want to have the power to say "He cannot come back into my house until he has made documented progress in therapy. I need to keep the other kids, myself and my property safe. Something needs to change."

Dad has already signaled that he is demanding that I take the boy in every other weekend. I tried it one weekend, and I told the kid that the only way this ends with with him going to jail if he doesn't change. He has no motivation to change, and no one is demanding it except me. Disneyland Dad is in total denial, and kid is sucking up and reaping the rewards (they can have each other).

Does anyone have any experience with the courts or the cops along these lines?
What if I say NO this kid cannot come back here - Can he make me take him in?

Thanks for taking the time to read and possibly assist.

[MixedBag]

Let me get this straight.

You/Mom have custody.

Son was adopted.

Son was diagnosed with three disorders.

Son does fine at school and dad's -- so he demonstrates the ability to control his agressive behavior.

BUT fails to do so in your home where he is 95% of the time.

Did I get that straight?

[LHiromi]

Yes, thank you for clearing out all of the fluff -

[ocean]

You will not be forced into taking him into your home if you are not comfortable. You visitation can be at a therapists office until things get better or maybe a dinner visit each week outside of the home. After he leaves, change the locks on your doors/garage (door opener?). Tell him he you will see him on xx at xx and that until you see improvement he can not just come/go as he pleases in your home. Anything that is "his" , he bought, got as a gift can go to dad's. How is it going? Did Dad keep him this past week?