At my wits end, just want someone to listen

[mom427]

I am a mother, but I am a non custodial parent.  I believe my case with my 11 year old son and ex-husband is an extreme case of parental alienation. It is also, a case of role reversal.  I am considered a deadbeat mother, I suppose.  My ex-husband has done everything in his power to keep me away from my son.  Before the divorce I let his parents take our son (2yo) for Christmas and I was told a couple days later I couldn't see my son until after the divorce.  I know that my son is a person and deserves to have a relationship with BOTH parents.  But my ex claims that I abandoned my son and when I say that I have always wanted to be there for him that I was trying to kidnap him.  I have witnessed some bad custodial mothers who keep their kids from their fathers, but I think my ex is doing the same as these women.  He is obsessed with not losing his son but I never threatened to take him away or keep him from him.

I can't say I have no fault, I guess, I did move out of state a few months after the divorce.  It wasn't a problem when I told him I was moving.  It wasn't a problem when I called to talk to my son.  But, when I asked about setting up a time for visitation he said that I can't take my son out of state because I would kidnap him and that I should give up my rights to his new wife (who he has since divorced and is now considered to be a "bad mom")  I refused.  It took me 3 years to get a lawyer, find out where my ex moved to and reestablish visitation.  He claims that the only reason that I got visitation back is that he didn't have a lawyer and I did (it was actually a mutual agreement outside of court, mediation).  But he wasn't complaining about it when I had no lawyer at the divorce (free legal help, the only one in the state of IN, said there was a conflict of interest and I couldn't afford one since I was only making $100 a week)  Now that my son is 11 years old he has just gotten even worse.  He has put our son between us.  It hurts so much and all I want to do it make sure my son knows that just because I moved to TX doesn't mean I don't love him.

I am very behind in child support. I didn't pay hardly anything the first couple years because I just didn't have it.  I called the court and told them that I would pay as soon as I could but they just said you better pay.  One of the reasons I left my ex is that I didn't want the same life he did.  He said he wanted to be like his cousin who lived off of welfare.  He was also very belittling to me.  I decided to leave because I just couldn't handle the relationship anymore.  This I would say is my fault though, my family said I shouldn't have gotten back together with him.  He broke up with me when he got his DL and I was pregnant.  I got a letter when my son was 3 months old from him in jail.  I was lonely with little support from my family.  But, I see I should have the just kept it the way it was before we married (let him take his son all he wanted and he signed the paternaty papers and was suppose to pay child support).  I was paying his child support to myself  at his request because he was afraid of going to jail for it, I didn't want that to happen.  I supported him for a year while he was unemployed.  He started to become violent and controlling and I couldn't take it.  I felt I just couldn't be the best mom I could be with him.  When I decided to leave he told me that I had to leave my son with his mother.  He used to tell me when we got into arguments that if I leave he gets our son.  It kept me from leaving for a while.  But I eventually decided that there is no way he can just keep my son from me.  But apparently I was wrong.  (I was 19 at the divorce)  I was young and didn't know what to do.

After the divorce and I had established visitation I ended up moving to TX.  It was a hard decision but I had money for a bus ticket back for visitation and thought I could improve my life by going since there where people willing to help me get my life in order.  This was in 2004.  I can't believe he has told our son what he has told him.  My son at age 7 said his dad told him that, "you sound like a girl because your mom abused you when you were little."  I had to explain what really happened to him.  He had a rare condition at birth called testicular torsion which occurred in utero and has resulted in him not having any viable testes.  It can't even be a result of abuse.  I told him all about what happened at the hospital with this and that he should ask the doctor about it.  That he is suppose to get hormone treatment and artificial testicles and that all young boys and girls sound the same when they are young.

Now, this last summer I was denied visitation because my son decided he wanted to spend more time with his dad.  My son told me I could come stay with my grandma and visit him at his home with his dad.  When I talked to my ex (same phone call) he said that I should give up my rights to his now 3rd wife.  Furthermore, he stated that the IN state guidlines were not in our son's best interest that he knows what's best for our son and we can either do it his way or my way, court.  My way isn't court I think it's best to stay out of court and settle things like mature adults.  But now I feel guilty for making my son's life hell just because I have pursued visitation and not just stayed out of his life.  My son has talked to me a couple times in the last several months and he will talk about stuff like normal but then he will change his tone and say, "can I ask you a question?'  which was the first time "Why did you move to Texas?"  I have explained myself too much I think.  I have already had to explain why I "abandoned" him when I first got visitation back.  But now they claim that since I moved to TX I don't care about my son.  Now the new question is "What part of my life was I trying to improve by moving to Texas?"  I have been told by my son that there is nothing I can do to make things better.  That I have ruined his life and that I just don't care about him.  I just tell him I love him and I am willing to do everything in my power to help him.  I know that his father is making him think or say these things.  He does all he can to tear our relationship apart.  I just don't understand why he wants to do this to his child.  I don't like how he treats him either.  I wouldn't say he's abusive but now that this has gotten out of hand I do think he is doing emotion damage to our son.  I have told my son that his father does love him even though I don't agree with what he says about me.  His father has told him and me that I am to blame for all his emotional problems and that my son is at fault for not keeping good grades in spelling. He claims a therapist told him this was the case.  I just don't know what to do.
With the last phone call with my son he stated he was upset and losing sleep because he has racing thougts and that they are so fast he can't think things through and was upset because he sees people in two perspectives.  I asked good and bad?  He said that he looks at people and then looks away and then when he looks back they are smaller.  I am very concerned that these are serious signs of an emotioal and/or mental illness onset due to all this stress.  Three months before this started his father claimed I made my son cry during a phone call and said my son is done with me.  But, my son was crying and telling me he was upset because his dad told him, when he mentioned how he was excited about seeing me this summer, that this visitation was going to be shorter than last years because he let me keep him an extra week because I would be able to bring him close to home because I was going to a music festival close by at the end of the summer.

I hope to just let you know that I feel like I am even more looked down upon since I didn't get custody and it is customary to give it to the mother, but I never abused my son.  I have a healthy happy daughter with my new husband of 8 years.  And my ex has two kids each whom has a "deadbeat, uncaring mom."  Even though I am not a father I am being treated as a lot are and it's harder to get anyone to even listen to my concerns.  My own lawyer seems to think I only want to see my son for selfish reasons.  I love my son and I just want get a break from being the bad guy all the time.  And not have my son's mental health imposed upon because his father has to be "the hero." 

[tigger]

I listened.  I don't think you're a deadbeat.  It's hard but I would encourage you to keep pressing through. Perhaps go to therapy for yourself and to help you know how to counteract what the father says. 

When my ex and I separated and our boys were to go with his parents for vacation (3rd year so it had become tradition), I had my FIL sign a paper stating that it was for a week vacation only and that he acknowledged that I was not abandoning the children or even giving them over in temporary custody.  His feelings were hurt and he asked if I really felt that I needed to do it.  I said, "No, but I have to take emotions out of it and do what is logical and reasonable to protect myself and the boys from even rumors."  He agreed later that it was a smart move as my ex (and his mistress) had tried to get him to say that I had abandoned the boys.  It also put him in  a better position because rather than outright opposing his son, all he had to do was say, "I can't say that. I signed a paper stating otherwise."

[mom427]

I have been thinking about therapy for myself.  I did go to a couple sessions about 3 months ago.  I think I am progressing and not losing my temper with my ex(I know he just wants me to look bad) .  He really knows how to push buttons(he's kind of a psycho).  But realizing what he is doing just sucks.  It's one of those situations where you just got to let go and hopefully win over time.  I have been dealing with this crap for so long I get less determined.  Sometimes I just think I should give up; that it's been so long that nothing good will come of this situation.  My husband is a big help cause his dad used to bad mouth and withhold cards and stuff from his mother.  He found out by finding the cards she sent under his bed. And he says that having been through it he didn't really hate his mom, he just had to do what he needed to survive with his dad who was physically abusive. I am thinking about taking parenting classes too as to prove my worth as a parent. 
Anyway, thanks for listening.