50-50 for a 1 yr & 3 yr old...

[rosegdrose]

Hello All, I am going through a divorce/custody right now. I have an attorney and filed for divorce in FL in the beginning of October. Following FL laws, both parents have custody bc we are still married. My husband wants to get our 1 year old son and 3 year old daughter one FULL week andhis house and then one FULL week at my house. I don't like this idea for several reason. First being, he is living with his mom and dad. His father smokes and both of our children have asthma and were hospitolized for RSV, (not related to papa's smoking) but it doesn't help their asthma for them to be around the smoke. Second, I have been the primary care provider and I as was stay-at-home mother since our son's birth. I think that the schedule he wants isn't good for such young children. And third, I think that he wants to get the kids more, so that when we go to court, he can tell the judge that he has the 50% of the time and doesn't need to pay me what the guidelines say (he made $67k last year and the guidelines say that he should be paying about $1600.00 a month). So, of course, he is having a cow about the amount. I had agreed on a temp amount bc I knew that his work was really slow and he also has his other child (10 year) to care for, he has sole custody of her and her bio-mom was declared indigent. I had my lawyer file a motion for an emergency hearing so I can get some form of a court order, but it was denied and referred to mediation. The only mediation appointment available was for the end of January and he said he has "training" that day. So now, we have to wait for the February calendar to open up. I am frustarted with all of this. Because we have no order and the way that he laws work, there is nothing I can do in regards to keeping the kids on a different schedule than the every other week thing. The schedule I want isnt too different. My husband has every other wed and sat off. So he has the kids on the weekend he has off and then the week that he has wed off, he picks them up on tuesday evening and bring them back thursday morning or takes them to their respective locations for school. I really don't like the schedule that he wants and I am afraid that if we have to go to court, the judge will rule in his favor bc its the schedule that has been in effect for the last 3 months given that there is nothing I can do.

Do you guys have any suggestions on what to do? I gave him a proposal to look over. He ansewred the petition with his counterpetition for divorce and the above schedule. I told him last night that he needs to give me a proposal back so when can try and duke something out without going to court. I won't have the money to keep a lawyer around if I have to go to court. I have never been through this stuff before, personally. I mean we dealt with things bc of my husbands ex-wife, but that was somewhat different.

K

[mistoffolees]

I can't be of much help - however, I'd like to offer a suggestion that I've been thinking about.

It is clear that children have different needs at different ages. Yet most parenting plans don't deal with that. Rather, they offer a single parenting plan that is in place until eternity (or age 18, whichever comes first).

Recognizing that your kids' needs will change over time, why not propose that the parenting plan allow for that. It might provide for you to have primary physical custody with him getting the kids alternate weekends and 2 evenings a week (whatever seems fair - I'm just making up an example) until they reach age 5 (for example). At that age, he wold get them for one 3 day weekend a month and one full week. At age 8, it changes to 50:50 - alternating weeks. At age 16 (when the kids have a car and possibly a job), the plan might allow for their wishes to be considered, but with neither parent getting any less than alternate weekends.

Aside from the fact that this might be better for the kids rather than enforcing a plan for older kids on toddlers or vice versa, this might also be better for him. Face it - toddlers are a lot of work and he probably is more interested in activities like soccer, ballet, etc for the kids when he can participate or watch. That might make it more acceptable to him - since he'll eventually have 50:50.

I honestly don't know if the courts would approve it, but this seems like a more reasonable way to meet the kids' needs - yet no one seems to be proposing it.

Good luck.

[Ref]

 I would think a 50/50 would be better as they are younger and then move to a schedule that is more school based as they get older.  JMO

Also, if your ex is making $67k and paying at a 15% tax bracket, he would be responsible for about $1500 only if you didn't work. I am guessing you are unemployed. Is that right?

What I would do in your case is find what the standard visitation schedule is for your country and propose that with only a few adjustments. You are likely to have that as your schedule if you can not compromise.

best wishes
Ref

[Kimberly9]

A better 50/50 schedule for small children

Every Monday and Tuesday with mom
Every Wednesday and Thursday with Dad
Alternate Friday, Saturday and Sunday

This give kids 2 days with Mom, 2 days with Dad, 5 days with Mom, 2 days with Dad.

Advantages:

It is still 50/50 and the child has relationship with both parents
It allows for consistency.  Everyone knows the schedule.
Nobody has to go more than 5 days without contact.

[FLMom]

Those are all some very good ideas for timeshare. Anything you can do to keep things flexible and friendly for the sake of the children is always better. The best thing that your kids can have to thrive through this is a schedule that stays constant so even at their young ages they know that "Daddy is coming on Thursday" or "Mommy is picking us up on Sunday". I even made a calendar for when our kids were younger so they could see that blue days were dad days and pink days were mom days. Even at a young age, it's important for their stability and to not feel as if everything is out of their hands. True, yes it is, but something as simple as a calendar can be a real comfort measure, even for a three year old.

One thing to keep in mind for you, and this is coming from someone who is a vetern of the Florida court system. It is like molasses. You think you're irked that you have to wait until February to get scheuled with the mediator? Don't plan on going to court for everything for another 6 to 12 months after mediation. It takes that long to get a court date, unless it's an emergency situation. I filed for custody in July of one year, and we didn't actually get in front of the judge until the next April for one ten minute meeting. The actual case didn't get scheduled until July. So that's one whole year.

One thing that I've found that's huge in the FL court system is "status quo". You'll hear that often. Make SURE that the schedule that you make TODAY is the one that you want to have for the next umpteen years. Be extremely precise about things you want to phase into the parenting plan for upcoming years.

Now please don't take this next part as bashing, because I'm not. You mentioned that you thought your ex just wanted to establish having the kids more often so that he could get out of paying the state supported amount of child support. Here is my experience, and you can take from it what you want. . . . .

Just because the state of Florida says that the non custodial parent should pay X amount of dollars does not mean that that is what is best for the children. Keep in mind that anything over 40% overnights is what the state says changes the equation for calculating child support. Unfortunately for the children, anything less than 40% overnights can make the non custodial parent a mere visitor in their child's lives. Any lawyer worth his/her salt is going to tell you to only allow the other parent every other weekend and one afternoon a week, but you really have to ask yourself if that is what's best for the children, and in most cases it usually isn't. So it leaves you with a choice to make, which is go for all the child support you can get and leave the other parent with minimal time, or work out a schedule where neither parent is a visitor in their children's lives and a Motion to Deviate from Child Support Guidelines is agreed upon.

It sounds to me like you are on the right road and want what is best for your children. One other thing to keep in mind is all of the little stuff that may come up as they get older as far as costs are concerned. In our case we calculated child support less than the state guidelines, but we split 50/50 all of the incidentals that come along. Believe me, they add up --- everything from ordering pics from school, field trip, special outfits, birthday party presents, fees for extracurricular activities, etc. Say you did get the full state calculated amount of child support, but you were responsible for paying 100% for all of these "little" things. They add up, and can sneak up on you, believe me. So when you're figuring out calculation, be sure you don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

I wish you luck in working this out with your ex. You've got a long road ahead of you, but doing the right thing and taking the high road will really pay off in the long run.

FLMom

[rosegdrose]

Hey All, thanks for the guidance and support. I will keep your ideas in thought. This whole situation is so draining, that I wish I could fast forward a couple of years and, at least, have an order and semblance of a schedule going. I know that I will be going through this stuff for at least the next 17 years, given my son is only 1, but I know how it is. Thanks again.

K