Custody situation

[dkt777]

I will make this short and detailed. i need help/reccomendation for my situation. I have 2 daughter 8 & 11. Me and ex divorced 5 yrs ago. She moved to Cleveland from Northern KY, which I had given her permission. At the time she was needing more help than I could give and her family lives up there. My 8 yr old is very relisient and does really well with school etc... My 11 yr old is very awkward and is doing terrible in school. My ex is living in a 2 bdrm apartment which includes: Herself, my 2 daugthers (whom share a room), an illegal mexican and a todler from him. I had requested from my ex to let me have temp custody of my 11 yr old to focus on her schooling, give her a bit more space, and work on her activity level. She keeps them pretty cooped up in that apartment. My 11yr old has expressed wanting to live with me. I feel I can help her as she takes after me alot and I understand her. Where should I start. I live in Northern KY outside of Cincinnati.

[Ref]

It is really hard to obtain custody when there is no immediate danger from someone who has had custody for that long. The arguement that an illegal lives in her home and that she has to share a room will likely not be enough for a custody change. I also don't think an 11 year olds desire to live with the other parent will be looked at.

You don't have to give up on helping your daughter though. You just have to do some creative parenting. How often do you see your girls? Do you keep in touch with their school? Why is you 11 year old doing poorly in school?

You have to make sure that you keep in touch with her teachers. You can't make her do her homework, but you may be able to work an incentive program with her. If homework is a problem, offer her a new outfit or a trip to the movies or something along those lines if she does her homework 100% for the month. Have her teachers email addresses and ask for homework updates. If test grades are a problem offer something for improvements if you thinkshe is being lazy and not studying. Offer BM to split the cost of Sylvan learning center (or 100% if you can afford it), to teach you child how to study.

It is a shame. There are many of us who have kids that would do much better in our environments, but it is not realistic to think a judge will change custody. We just need to do the best we can.

Do you and your ex have a decent relationship, ie can talk about your kids without fighting?

Best wishes,
Ref

[dkt777]

Ref,
Thank you you for your reply. Let me  answer/comment some of your questions. My ex and I cannot talk unless she needs money. I see my girls on average once every 2 months, avg cost is about $400-500per visit. I have my own rep business but after life expenses, job expenses, child support, I do not have much left over for long weekend trips. She is supposed to meet me half way (Columbus) but refuses. I do plan on going up to see them in a few weeks and will make arrangements with her teachers to do a conference. I will also explain why I believe why her grades are so terrible..her mother does not monitor homework, just let's her do it, wrong or right.  No time is spent with her b/c her mother is too busy with everything else. Just plain neglect.

It is pretty sad that her mother does nothing but complain about having to "do it all" and I offer to take one and give her some relief until she can get her life together only to have her tell me off.

I can take her to court to enforce the following (have already researched a bit)

1. Lower child support - current amount $691.46month but I give her 700
2. Call INS and tell them she is harboring an illegal (do not want to do that as I do not want to start a war with her)
3. Enforce the meeting me half way.

I just don't know what I am going to do..........

[Ref]

Well it looks like I am talking to a mirror. We have the same thing going on here. BM is neglegent and allows SD to miss class if she doesn't feel like going. SD's grades went from being A&Bs to Ds & Fs. The biggest problem is that she is not doing her homework or studying.

We are very long distance - 1300 miles.

This is what we started doing. Dh emails SD'd teachers after every report card / progress report to discuss the issues she is having. One of her teachers offered to tutor. If Dh suggested it to BM, BM would have gotten defensive, so he asked her teacher to contact BM. He also asks teachers for any suggestions on how to help SD. Honestly there is not much we can do for Sd, but we are doing what we can.

Unfortunately going to court for lower child support, calling INS and enforcing the halfway point wont help you daughter with her school issues and it might trigger some nasty alienation.

Can you get copies of texts your daughter is doing and do homework together over the computer/phone? Maybe just in a class or two? Do you have a time that you talk to her over the phone or is it sparatic?

Please feel free to ask any questions about school or long distance parenting. We seem to be in a similar situation.

best wishes
Ref