Getting My Daughter Out Of A Potentially Dangerous Household

[SamFreez]

Hello... thank you for looking, if anything.

I would like to consider myself a good, honest father.  My beautiful baby girl was born December 29th, 2003 in Boston, MA to what was then a loving couple.  We lived in Boston until December 23rd, 2005 when we moved to Tacoma, WA to live closer to my family (her family is in Boston).  

My wife and I then went on State Assistance (DSHS) because I didn't have a job at the time, and we obviously needed help.  

I went through their hoops (Washington State is VERY picky about Welfare stuff...!!) and did their dance, winding up in a state-funded school so I could get my A+ Certification, among other things (I'm a PC Repair guy... got a problem?  Lemme know!).

My wife, on the other hand, did nothing.  She lied to me constantly, telling me all about all of the places she was applying at, and how she was watching my daughter 24/7 without rest, and cleaning, etc etc etc...

Well, our DSHS benefits got cut, because she was expected to go through their hoops just like me, but decided she didn't want to.  If they had a problem with it, it was "their problem" ...

Our house became completely unliveable about 2 weeks before she took off.  She stopped cleaning, and at the time I was working about 8-10 hours a day hauling CRT monitors (the big, bulky ones... 15 to 24 inch models) around all day prepping them for shipment to Egypt to be resold.  She kept making excuses about how she tried to clean, but my daughter would always get into something so she'd have to stop.

Meanwhile, my daughter used to run around with Sharpie markers, pens, pencils, makeup, you name it... she even ran around with fecal matter once, splattering it all over the walls in her bedroom.

Well, anyway... I told her I wanted a divorce, so she called her parents, and they bought her 2 one-way tickets to Boston (she told me originally they were round-trip, and she would only be gone for a month...).

I accepted the idea, since I didn't know where I'd be sleeping (streets, homeless shelters, etc) once we got kicked out, and I didn't want my daughter on the streets in the middle of winter.

I even convinced my mother to give them a ride to the airport, to guarantee their safe arrival as much as possible.  

Walking out of that airport check-in area was THE hardest thing I have ever had to do...

Now my wife has decided that I don't deserve to have my daughter anymore, since I'm now with someone else who she accuses of being a homewrecker or whatever.  She refuses to let me have custody, even though she's staying with her parents in a 2-bedroom apartment with her 2 brothers as well.  That's 6 people in a 2-bedroom place...  My daughter has to sleep on the couch with my ex, and has to keep quiet 24/7 since the Landlord doesn't even know she's staying there, which is against their rental policy.  They also ALL smoke indoors, and my daughter has been diagnosed with Athsma already (just like dear old daddy.. yay).  They are also very aggressive people, often yelling and screaming at each other for no reason at all.  I've even overheard them trying to get my daughter to hang up on me, referring to me as "The @$$hole".

At the moment, I haven't done anything... I don't even know where to start.

I just know in the depths of my heart that I need my daughter back here, where I already HAVE a bedroom ready for her, and a horse that's been given to her (she's a horse freak) among many other benefits.

Well, my story is a lot more complicated, as you can imagine, but that's about the gist of it....

Does anyone out there know what I can do?

[Sherry1]

You would be extremely hard pressed to file in MA and then ask a judge to take your daughter to a different state.  

Unless you have documented proof of her abusing the child, documented proof that she is doing drugs, documented proof that she is harming the child, your chances are pretty much zero of getting custody.  Living in crowded conditions does not constitute a custody reversal.

My suggestion is that you retain a lawyer and get a child support/child custody order in place so that you can have parenting time with your daughter.  Then if she goes against the custody order then you have grounds for contempt and possible custody reversal.

[Ref]

If she (your daughter) has been out of state for over 6 months, you might have lost a very important window of opportunity. Your ex can not refuse to let you have custody. It is not her choice. At this point, it has to be determined by the judge.

My first bit of advice is to get a good Family Law attorney. If it has been a short time since they left, you should file to keep her in your state. It is possible to make her move the child back to your state. If it has been a short period of time you would need to find and attorney in your state. If it hass been over 6 months, you will have to find one in her state. If it has been a while, you will have to work your butt off to get custody. Your story sounds aweful, but very familiar and with info like that, you can't really support custody necessarily. When you get a family law attorney, try to find one that specializes in father's rights.

In the mean time, keep as much contact as possible with the child. Visit when you can, call frequently. Send cards and packages. Don't send child support yet. Send gifts for your child like clothes toys.... Open an escrow account on behalf of your child and put what you think you may have to pay (if BM gets custody) in that account. Take a parenting class and keep your nose clean. If you get paid hourly, try not to pull too much overtime. If you work overtime, it may be calcualted as your standard income and you will have to pay CS based on that. Then you will be stuck having to work overtime til your kid is 18 (if you don't get custody). Also, you should show that you would be around for the kid if she lived with you. If you work too much, it may look like Bm would be able to spend more time parenting.

Oh! Many dads get upset about the $ they have to lay out for attornies, but I tell you right now, it is worth every single cent to get things right at the very beginning, because if it isn't it will cost you much more over the span of your life of it is messed up. This will come in the form of higher CS, loss in parenting time and potentially a harmful environment for your child to grow up in.  Get a good attorney, not a cheap one. My husband made the mistake of not managing his own case and hiring a cheap attorney and BELEIVE me you don't want to skimp here. Beg Borrow or Steal (well, skip the stealing). Run up credit cards and take bank loans. You need to get this right and ba quick about it.


Best wishes,
ref

[SamFreez]

Thank you both for replying.

They've been gone since August 30th, so it has only been a couple of months.

At the moment, I'm trying to convince her to let me have my daughter for just a month or two, kind of as a visit... she doesn't need to know I don't plan on sending her back ;)

There is no custody plan in place to warrant a reversal.  We've literally just decided to split up, and she took my daughter.  

If there is a way that I can file paperwork that FORCES my daughter to be in-state (WA) until custody is determined, then I need to get down to the right department ASAP on Monday morning... anyone know the form name or number or even which department it'd be?  How 'bout costs?

[Sherry1]

If your daughter has only been gone a couple of months, you can file the paperwork in Washington, and yes, legally, you can force her to come back but you really need a lawyer.

[mistoffolees]

Just wanted to reinforce that. First, get a good attorney. Second, do it NOW - delay is likely to hurt you.

[raymi]

If you can get her to let you have your daughter visit that would be best.  Once you have your daughter than file a motion to establish custody. Since you were married at the time of birth it's easier. If you have your child when you file than you can also say that she is with you  and the pattern is such so they will more likely let you retain full custody. If I were you I would read everything in this site. spend hours and hours there is a lot to learn esspecially read the archives of Dear Socraster. He is a lawyer and answers with the "right" answers. Getting a lawyer can be impossible if you learn enough you can do it on your own. Also at this point you should be able to make her come back to WA for the court hearing ect. don't wait too much longer. Good luck.