Court on Monday.......

[Mully]

OK, so I've been a member here for a while now, atleast 8 months, and have yet to make a post.  I thought that I would find answers to my own situation by reading other posts and replies, I have no answers as of yet.

The only thing I do know is that we finally go to court on Monday and that as a father, I have no say over the welfare of my child until the court says I do.......  I think that there is something wrong with this picture....

I'm going to start somewhere close to the beginning, so that anyone reading this can understand where I'm coming from.

My ex left me in May 2005, a month later, we get the news that we will be expecting a child.  I never once doubted that this would be my child, since we were both loyal to the relationship.  My ex left, as she put it, because she couldn't handle being in a committed relationship.  Not that she wanted anyone else, but the responsibilities of a committed relationship were more than she could handle. We never had any problems inside the relationship (cheating, abuse, neglect, etc...), actually we had a pretty good relationship, which in her opinion, had to end.  

When she told me a month later that she was pregnant, I had two choices: A. Man-Up to my responsibilities or B. Run away and leave everything behind.

I chose to Man-Up, I wanted to be everything to this child that my ex and I never had in our lives growing up a father, and since I'm going this far why not be the best one I can be....

So, the next week was good, the ex and I talked alot, but she still was set on the fact that the relationship was over, and furthermore, there was nothing I could do for 9 months or so.  The entire pregnancy I attempted to be a part of it, but she wanted me to have nothing to do with it.  I begged and got to be there for THE ultrasound, and again when our daughter was born, and those 4 days in the hospital were great I was there the whole time, we got along great.  After she went home, everthing went back to the way it had been for the previous 9 months.  Although she said I would be able to see our daughter anytime I wanted to, that once she was here we would do what was best in order to be good parents.....  what that translated to was: 3 hrs a week at best!   In order for me to be involved in our daughters life, 3 hrs a week wasn't going to cut it, I pleaded with my ex, and she said basically she's too young yet, there's nothing you can do.

Excuse me?

ANyway our daughter was 4 months old and I had been seeing her as much as my ex would let me, not much, at times, I wouldn't see our daughter for 5 days, I couldn't take it anymore.....  I hired myself a lawyer and filed papers for a custody hearing.  I never wanted it to come to this, I would think that two adults who want only what's best for their child, to be able to come to a working agreement and not allow an entity like the State of Michigan tell them what the best interest of the child is, but she wasn't budging and valuable time was ticking away.

Our child didn't even know who I was at this point and the longer I waited to act the harder it would be to prove to anyone that our daughter DID infact need me in her life.


My ex cutoff all comunication with me after she got served; I would call three times a day and she would not answer or call me back.  Finally in June a month later, we had an appointment with the consciliator at the friend of the court, we came to an agreement that would allow me to watch our daughter during the day, at her house, mon - fri, while my ex was at work.

I want to mention that since our daughter was born I had been giving my ex no less than $100/wk most of the time I gave her $150 - $200
(and yes I documented every payment)

I lost my job the same day we met at the friend of the court and came up with the agreement, the restaraunt went out of business.
I no longer made the money I was making only a week before, yet I made sure I gave my ex $150/wk still, I even moved out of my apartment and into my parents house so I could keep giving her money.

I want to make sure that our daughter is taken care of she the only thing that is important in my life

My ex didn't start going by our agreement until 2 months later, August 3rd.

I thought that seeing each other everday, 3 times a day, would open up the lines of communication, force her to atlest enter small-talk, but no , 4 months have gone by and she has maybe said 20 words to me.

We go to court on Monday, I am seeking Joint Physical Custody.
I'm not trying to say that my ex is a bad mother, because she's not. SHe's a bad ex.  I am however trying to prove that I can be everything that she is to our daughter, I can provide everything that she can for our daughter, She didn't want to be in the relationship, not me.  Why should our daughter have to pay for that?  

I would love to share more, but my daughter is waking up, I've got to go.

If anyone is interested in hearing more about my story, I'd be glad to share anypart of it or anything I've learned from it.
Jas

[Ref]

Shoot, you have been the primary caregiver for 4 months. You could ask that the child lives with you.....Either way, 50/50 sounds completely reasonable. I would ask that you pick your daughter up in the AM and BM pick her up in the PM from your place. That way you aren't stuck at her house for the next 17 years.

I am sorry you have to go through this. I wish I could say it gets better. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. Good Luck and come back and tell us how it went on Monday!

Ref

[Mully]

All I want to do is give our daughter a great life.  My ex believes or atleast I think she believes that I'm not needed and I know she wishes that I would just go far away and be gone forever.

I've submitted a schedule to my lawyer that I think would work out, I should mention that I would be up for my ex working something out WITH me, but since she gives me the silent treatment, I had to submit something.

I already have our daughter Mon-Fri from 8am to 5:30pm, I know they won't take that away from me, Our daughter needs child care during those hours, and the court would much rather have that child care be one of the parents.

What I submitted in addition to those hours was:
Sunday - Overnight
Monday - Overnight
Tuesday - Overnight

I would then of course, have her
Wed - 8am to 5:30
Thur - 8am to 5:30
Fri - 8am to 5:30


The whole thing about me having to watch her at my ex's house is that for a month, from April to May, my mother was allowed to watch our daughter on Mondays and Fridays, My ex wanted her Grandmother to watch her everyday (out of the convienience of being closer to her home) and decided to say that our daughter was allergic to animals (cats and dogs) She said that she had taken her to her pediatrician and she said she was allergic.  It took me 6 months to obtain our daughters Med records, which I just recently obtained, and there is absolutely no evidence of alllergies......TO ANYTHING.....

I had also researched infant allergies during that time and found that infant can't even be tested for allergies until 18 months (our daughter is only 10 months next week).  

My ex is immature emotionally, she is mature an responsible in every other aspect of her life (financially and career-wise) but cannot maturely interact with others (most importantly myself).

I would much rather keep this out of the courts, but she "forced my hand" and took herself to court.
 Thank you for reading my post, I'm confident that the Judge will make the right call, but in the back of my mind I know that I am not the mother, and atleast from birth moms get everything handed to them, fathers on the other hand, have to prove their worth.
She couldn't prove me unfit to care for our child in consciliation, things have only gotten tougher on my end since then.

Jas

[backwardsbike]

I'm just reading this now.  I am sorryyour X is being immature.  She wasn't ready for a committed realtionship with you?  Well, honey, she just entered the graddaddy of committed relationships.  You don't get to "break up" with your kid when the going gets tough!

Ihope you get what you are asking for.  You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.  i do agree with Ref.  Try to have the hcild at your place.  Being in your X's house gets really old and opens the door for her to make all kinds of accusations should she decide she doesn't like what the judge had to say.

I am a NC mom.  If my X were half as reasonalbe as you sound we wouldn't have been doing this insane custody crap for the last nine years!  Hang in there.  Your DD is one lucky little girl. Let us know how it goes today.