new guy

[3girlsinsc]

Hey everyone, I'm new here. I live in North Carolina about 4 hours away from my three daughters in South Carolina.  I visit them often ( at least 2 or three times a month ), as I'm typing this it makes me ill that I have allowed myself to believe that is often...although I'm sure some of you dads would be envious.  Anyhow, I'm struggling with a lot of things to consider.  Wanting to move closer, but have a good job which keeps me able to visit, insure them, buy them things they want/need.  Their mother doesn't work and hasn't for 3 years.  She relies on my child support and state assistance while living with her parents.  My job pays pretty good but opportunities closer to my girls are a lot more sparse.  I'd love to save money and perhaps go into business for myself, but find I'm living paycheck to paycheck after i spend money to travel to see the girls.  I often find myself helping my ex from time to time as well.  My girls range in age from 3 to 7.  I know I'm not even close to experiencing their financial needs and I worry about the next few years....trying to stay optimistic.    Please give me some ideas. thx

[ocean]

Do you have court orders for visitation and child support now? Is there a reason you are only going to them and they are not coming up to you? The kids need a place to sleep and food by you for visitation, not their own room. A bed, pull out couch will work.

If mom moved away from you, then you should be credited for travel expenses to see them or mom should be making the trip to you or half way point for visitation.

Look at the school calendar, see when they can come to you. Almost every month has a long vacation. Instead of two trips, they can come for a week when they have winter break, spring break, xmas (splitting the actual holiday but then come to you for a few days, thanksgiving break usually 4-5 days every other year, summer- most with you).

It is up to you what extras you do for ex or the kids.

[3girlsinsc]

Thanks for replying.  I do have child support laid out by the court.  The details of visitation were not thoroughly examined during our divorce hearing, we did both agree that the girls would live with their mother and not be separated from one another.  Since she hadn't worked for awhile and I still had my job her moving in with her parents and keeping the kids made since while I worked.   Neither of us hired an attorney which sounds crazy, I know.  I've done my best to simply provide for them but it's getting to the point where I'm now starting to see that I'm allowing myself to get the short end of the stick.  I haven't pushed the mom to spend gas money to meet half way because I feel it is just taking $ away from what the girls might need.  I think my greatest concern has been the girls impression and perspective of the new situation.  I am glad they didn't leave the school they started, they live with mom, nana and grandad.  They see me often and, for the most part, they don't encounter us (my ex and I) argue in any way.  I'm just now starting to see how I've allowed the situation to cripple me financially, which, in the long run might do more harm than I imagined.  Some balance of financial responsibility would be nice, but she does take good care of our girls as a mother. 

[3girlsinsc]

Oh, I forgot, How exactly would I be 'credited for travel expenses'?

[MixedBag]

There's no magic formula for that.


First see IF your state's codes allow for a deviation from child support guidelines for transportation expenses.  Yep, start looking for and finding your state's law.


Then you start formulating a position -- gas, hotel, food, etc...


or use the IRS's mileage calculations


or well, you don't do this, but airline tickets.


but there is no magical formula.

[3girlsinsc]

Thanks, up until now I've felt sort of stuck.  I think that working within the parameters of the state law in order to afford myself a little leeway will work better than trying to convince my ex that the situation is a little unfair. 
     I saw that there are forums within each state.  I'm going to try to post a few messages there, I'll talk with you all later.

[tigger]

Which state has jurisdiction?  NC or SC?

[3girlsinsc]

South Carolina.  We were married, and all the girls were born, in Charleston.  We separated and she moved to Sumter with the girls.  That was about 2.5 to 3 hours away (from Charleston).  I moved to North Carolina to be closer to my mom, about 6 months later she filed for divorce, we had been officially separated for a full year.  Is there anything you know about NC or SC that might be helpful?

[MixedBag]

IMHO -- ok -- the state sections here are dead zones.

[MixedBag]

So you both moved -- IMHO again -- you could ask the court for a "long distance plan" as opposed to a close distance plan where you would get longer chunks of time, but they'd be spread apart more vs. EOW.  OR if you like the EOW -- well, stick to that.


Again since you both moved, I would ask the court to have her meet you half way between both homes for exchanges both ways -- that way she shares in the cost of gasoline, AND you can take them back to your home hence saving hotels and eating out over your weekends AND they get to know YOUR home vs. Daddy's hotel room.


My EX#1 used to live 4 hours away (Panama City, FL) and Me outside of Montgomery, AL -- and YES, we both drove half way, met in Dothan on Friday evening and again on Sunday evening, EOW.     Yes, it ate up a lot of "time" on those weekends, BUT the girls know Dad and his life because of the sacrifices I made.


and that's the focus....what's good for the girls.