Travel and Visitation

[MommyMommy]

I was hoping someone could give some insight on direction on my current situation. I'll try to be as concise as possible.

Original California state orders say that parents meet at a halfway point, 60 miles for each parent for pick up and drop off the child. Visits are from Thursday 5pm to Sunday 5pm.

With that being said I, the custodial parent sought out a job closer to NCP to alleviate the burden of driving, and also it would be closer to my parents. I sent a letter of intent to relocate and NCP did not deny the relocation with the courts. So the new meeting location was only a 12 mile drive each parent. However NCP decided to join the military and is now stationed 200 miles away, making the new exchange point a 100 miles per parent. I specifically moved to LA to avoid the commute as it was becoming financially difficult as well as an inconvenience for work.
NCP suggests we meet halfway once a month and he will have our son for a week or two weeks of the summer.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to commute? NCP and I have a fake cordial relationship that turns to be spiteful at times because we've been so relaxed with the court orders. For instance, he'll ask me at 10am if he can see his son at noon, I asked if he could wait til 2pm because we had plans. This in turn results him not dropping off our son until 4pm on christmas day because he wanted to "make up for the time I lost because you were late the other day" 


Anything thoughts will help.
Thank you.

[MixedBag]

I think it's time to renegotiate a long distance parenting schedule -- because if NCP is in the military, and child is still young, then this 200 mile distance can end up being much further when a new assignments comes along down the road.

I think the transportation subject can swing several ways.  I also think in the end, you'll end up doing or paying for half because that's how the original order got set up.     I was in your shoes after I moved from WV to AL which put me 4 hours away from NCP.  We met half way many times (EOW) for about a year.  Our original order also said split transportation costs, but he do the actual transporting -- because the two girls were young -- and though they had flown, there were no non-stop flights between Pittsburgh (110 miles for me), and Panama City Beach, FL (like Atlanta was the closest for him -- so he usually drove).  THEN he got to a pissy point and wanted mileage (not gasoline costs), food, lodging, AND the Step-mom was usually accompanying him for the 15 hour ride.  So at that point I started doing half the driving.  Initially, my vacation days were important to me because our youngest was in and out of the hospital a few times and I had too use MY vacation days to take care of her (he refused during round one and was too far away during round two).  So I felt like that was a balance.  In the end, we physically did half -- and maybe he bullied me into it, but I was more interested in keeping the peace and taking away an argument.  It worked -- in the 17 years we were divorced, we went to court once.
Now....#2....I agreed to pay for transportation -- he said pay me $50/month and get the F out of my life.  Dumbass decision on his part, and I had no choice (thank you military) but to leave my son behind.  My attorney said that HIS attorney claimed I had to pick up from EX#2's front door each and every time.  BUT if I wanted him to take our son to the airport (Pittsburgh 110 miles one way) I could pay him for gasoline.  SO there's a specific line in that order to say this.  Years later, he too got a wild hair up his rear end.... and demanded parking expenses AT the airport and food.  I refused.  He sent me a letter that said no where in the order did it state that he had to accompany our minor son into the airport and to the gate, so if I wasn't standing at the curb, he wasn't going to stop and drop him off.   My answer?  If you don't send him, I'll file contempt.  If you DO send him, I'll file a "Motion for Clarification" -- he also never ever agreed to the flight times that I chose -- like never, ever (hear that Taylor Swift song?).  As a young one, I was not allowed to pick the last flight of the day, I had to choose the "second to last flight of the day."   That left like at 7:30 pm, so dad would have to leave home at 4 pm.   That meant 1 hour of vacation time off work for him (twice a year).  My pick up was in Atlanta (2 1/2 hour drive plus time zone difference)....   Dad wanted me to pick a Saturday morning flight where he could leave the house at 8 am or so......that meant our son would arrive here at 5 or 6 pm.   I wanted our son to arrive on Friday at midnight or so and have Saturday to spend with his sisters who went to school.      Result:  Dad got his a$$ chewed in court for the letter.  Judge also said since I pay for transportation, I get to decide on flight times, not dad.    Yep, shut him up and reduced the letter writing campaign tremendously.....because the argument was settled AND his own letter cost him dearly.
EX#3's EX and himself also lived far apart.  In the initial divorce EX#3 got a transportation adjustment to the CS he owed because Mom left OH and moved to NV.  BUT....over time, thanks to the friend of HER family judge, this allowance disappeared.   She also was um a piece of work back in the day and it was difficult to get her to take the kids to the airport at all.  One by one, they moved here.....

So my three stories.
1.  I think that originally you two agreed to share transportation responsibility and cost and that ultimately that's how it's gonna end up being.
2.  I think you probably need to renegotiate parenting time to be a long distance plan so that the transportation doesn't happen as often, but the time or overall number of days is the same?
3.  If he pays for the transportation, he should get to choose....(lesson learned with EX#2)....so keep that in mind.  If you want input, you'll have to sacrifice either time or $$'s.
4.  SO....maybe the immediate answer is to say "Hey, you drive, and I'll reimburse you gas"?  And see what he says?

[MommyMommy]

So everyone is right, this situation CAN get worse  . Thank you for taking the time to write back.

I think we will need to revisit parenting percentage as it has drastically changed. Also, I think I will just agree to the once a month as long as we can get this written and sent to the courts, because I am afraid once I agree to meeting once a month, soon he will ask for me to drive more frequently.

Much appreciated

[MixedBag]

Parenting percentage.....I believe CA includes time spent with the child into their child support formulas (used to live in Sacramento, CA which is why I used to go back and peek at just to be curious about how other states handle it.

I'm retired military -- EX#1 is also now retired....

One thing that hit me -- and there was NOTHING I COULD DO was when he moved from Panama City to Germany -- that meant I was looking at twice a year round trip commericial tickets from Atlanta to Frankfurt.  OUCH!  and he moved in November and didn't TELL me about the fact that he had an assignment to Germany so here 6 weeks before Christmas, I was thinking I might have to fork out an expensive ticket blah blah blah....  The military is ALL OVER....and then comes passports to mind.  And Daddy only has 30 days annual leave, but well....I think some kind of long distance plan is best or "mid-distance" and long distance and maybe if he moves overseas that HE bears the cost of transportation in full because of how expensive that's gonna be.

On the bright side -- insurance and medical coverage is awesome for your child now.
Just trying to share experiences....so you get a good idea of what you might be facing. 

[DadsCrushed]

A change in residence from the original order can be cause for a motion for modification for a new drop off.