SET UP?

[antonin1]

I fear I am being set up my ex-wife for a custody change.  I believe she is creating "evidence" with her recent emails.

Briefly:

I lost everything I own and paid mother hundreds of thousands of dollars and drive 3 hours a day to share 50/50 custody of my daughter (11 years old).

All has been well, with no complaints from her mother.

Our divorce papers called for me to pay full child support for 3 years, even though I had 50/50 custody. The Child support lock-in expired in Jan 2006. I did not file for a reduction in child support and did not intend to. I pay 400.00 more a month than I am supposed to. Mother was supposed to finish college, had plenty of alimony, CS, no bills, etc. She did nothing and is still working for minimum wage, like she was 3 years ago.

I feel if I lowered support, it would adversely affect the quality of life for my daughter while daughter is in mother's custody.

Apparently, the mother was not aware of the extra child support. I told her about it 2 weeks ago.

Suddenly I have been deluged with emails from the mother that seemed aimed as setting me up as the "bad" parent. Mother made false claims of domestic violence when she filed for divorce.

Here is a typical letter:
As you read this, keep this in mind:

1) Mother has never taken daughter to ANY orthodontist, dentist or doctor's appointment EVER.
2) My daughter was failing 3rd grade when I assumed 50/50 here 3 years ago. I hired her a tutor and she was on honor roll last year and has a B average this year.
3) Daughter has taken and loves dance lessons for 8 years. Why would her mother make her choose between dance and something else?
4) The only grain of truth in this is that daughter is overweight.
5) Mother has never written a letter like this. Most of the time she ignores everything. The school year is half over: mother has never signed daughter's Sunday night homework folder: last Sunday she signed it.
6) I think mother is trying to change custody so that it will ensure I cannot lower the support. In fact, she would get an extra 350.00 from it. I pay 910. I am supposed to pay 500. If she had full custody, she would get 1250-1300
7) I spend an additional 1200.00 a month on daughter from my own pocket; MOTHER PAYS FOR NOTHING. NOT CLOTHES, SUMMER CAMPS, LUNCH, LESSONS,TRIPS, NOTHING.
8) I have carefully documented EVERYTHING on Optimal since Fall, 2003 when assuming 50/50. Receipts, problems, activities, everything.
9) Daughter takes dance lessons for 2 hours a week: mother claims daughter is "overwhelmed" by all the activies I schedule. Mother cut daughter's piano lessons 2 years ago.
10) Daughter forgot her ski gloves and Ipod, so mother is making a big deal about it.
The thing about daughter forgetting stuff ever week is bunck.
11) I did set up an appoinment with daughter's doctor for next Monday. MOTHER DOES NOT EVEN KNOW THE DOCTOR'S NAME, PHONE # OR ADDRESS!!!!!

WHAT SHOULD I DO? RESPOND TO THE LETTER AND REFUTE IT?
GET A LAWYER?
HELP!

"I don't think it is a good idea to have her play volleyball.  When she brought it up to me, I thought she meant for next year.  She has a choice to do whatever she wants next year, but no more than 2 school days or so many hours per week.  We just had a talk about doing too much like the dance lessons and now she wants to add 2-3 more days of devotion to after school activities while still having trouble dealing with all of her homework.  She just had another fit last weekend about everything she had to get done.  If she keeps her grades up without expressing constant levels of stress, then maybe I will reconsider my decision.  You can sign her up on your time if you like, but I will not take her on my time nor do I want you taking her  on my time.  This has nothing to do with my schedule as I have worked very hard to arrange my work hours based on Jenny's schedule and I am free every evening to be there for her if she needs anything. I believe it is just too much for her to handle at this time.
 
Or...
 
She can drop her dance lessons and play volleyball which may be a little late to do right now.
 
 
I do believe that playing some type of sport would be great for her.  It could offer her a good sense of team spirit as well as good exercise, but she has to make a conscious and realistic decision before she chooses the activity she wants to give her full devotion to.  There are only so many "free" hours she has and there is NOT enough time to do all of the things she wants all at once.  Everyday after school, there should be at least 2-3 hours of time set aside for homework. Even if she does not need this time every single day for homework, it is reserved for this sole purpose because there may be a time when she will need it.  If she maxes out her time and fills her  schedule up completely, then there is no room for life's little surprises like my brother's wedding, or a play date with her friends or just some time to do absolutely NOTHING.
 
 
I will bring her gloves and IPod to your house tomorrow after work.  This the last time I will ever drop anything off if she forgets something.  I don't seem to have this problem on my weeks and when she does forget something, we just deal without it.....This is unacceptable behavior.  It would be different if it only happened once or twice a year, but on the average, this happens almost every week with you.  I had to make an extra trip home the last time  to get her dance clothes before I dropped her off and now I have to make another extra trip after work tomorrow.  I would like to get her a larger traveling bag and the two of you may want to take inventory on EVERYTHING she brings that requires a return so I can go over the list with XXXXXXX before she leaves.
 
I want to make this very clear that I will not do this ever again and I mean that.  These forgetful acts lack sincerity and are no longer supported by me.  Ski gloves and an IPod are two things I believe she can survive without for a week.  This is beyond ridiculous.
 
I would also like to make an appointment with her doctor about a diet.  I want to attend this appointment so it cannot be on a Tuesday or Thursday as I cannot rearrange my hours on those days or I could take her on my time.  I just need the information about her doctor and office visits.  If her doctor tells me that she is "normal" like you have claimed in the past, I will change doctors.  She is not normal and needs to lose 40 pounds.  I am very tired of fighting about this issue and refuse to let XXXXX go on feeling bad about her constant weight gain.
 
I would also like to start sending her lunches and cancel the lunch account once a proper diet is established from her doctor.  There is no need for her to have this freedom if she is going to abuse it and buy junk food like pizza, cookies, chips and ice cream.

 XXXXXXXX

[mistoffolees]

It's probably worth seeing an attorney to get some advice.

In general, what you say can hurt you. What you don't say usually won't. Keep that in mind in ANY discussions with her.

[williaer]

Our Bm has suddenly become VERY interested in what's going on as well. She is responsible for the cost of school lunches and we usually have to hound her about it- now she sends DH and e-mail saying "any time she needs lunch money, let me know and I can send it over ASAP". I'll be honest with you- 50-50 is not working out in our case. We are going back to have it reviewed and changed. Bm is a terrible co-parent- it just doesn't always work.