I don't know what to do

[Bigdaddyoffive]

  My girlfriend and I have been together for about nine years.  We have three children together and we each have a 10yr old boy from a previous marriage.  She has battles alcoholism for quite some time now and refuses to seek help.  Approx seven years ago she was arrested for domestic assult.  It was an embarassing experience but she kept bitting/hitting/kicking me and there is no way I would ever hit a woman so calling 911 seemed like the only solution.  Anyway, after a great trip to see my sister out of town with two of my boys I arrived home to find her and her sister drunk.  I wasn't happy with the situation but I kept my cool.  Her and her sister wanted me to go out to the bar with them but I declined.  I fell asleep and awoke to loud talking in the livingroom.  I tried to go back to sleep but after about thirty minutes I had to do something.  I walked out into the livingroom to find my girlfriend's sister sitting with a guy and my girlfriend lying on the couch with her head in a guys lap and her legs over another guys lap.  Her shirt was up, her belt undone and one guy had his hands between her legs.  Although it is no longer my profession I used to be a residential mental health specialist and family support worker.  As much as I would have liked to lose my temper I simply told everyone to leave immediately.  The three guys and her sister left at once.  After they left my girlfriend started screaming at me and cursing.  The alcohol on her breath made me want to vomit.  I told her she needed to find another place to stay tonight.  She then bit me and began hitting/kicking me.  I stepped back and told her to go outside and have a cigarette and cool off.  When she did I locked the door behind her.  She of course freaked out and busted the door.  Three of our boys came running out of their room (ages 10, 5 and 2) to see what was going on.  The ten year old is her son from a previous relationship and discusses her alcohol problem with me quite openly and honestly.  He knew she was drunk and told me to call the police.  I instead asked them to go to their room and told them I would be in in a minute.  She screamed, hit, kicked and bit me some more before passing out on the couch.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not an "abused" person.  I am 6ft5 268lbs and she is 4ft 11 and about 105lbs.  I feel more pain when I stub my toe.   I then went into the boy's bedroom and dried multiple tears and did my best to reassure them that everything would be okay.  They are now asleep and she is still passed out on the couch.  I have had enough.  I live in a very small town in Nebraska.  I work full time and she stays at home with the kids.  I just bought my first house last fall and I was hoping we could all live here as a family.  Now I just want the kids and I to be happy.  I don't know what to do.  It is way to small of a community to get the sheriffs dept involved.  I have no money for a lawyer.  Most months I'm lucky just to affort the house payment and utilities.  I cannot contact health and human services.  The reason being is that is who I worked for when I did family support work and I know the caseworkers personally and I have never seen a more worthless group of individuals in my life.  Which, incedently is why I left the job.  What do I do in the morning?  I know she'll try to take the kids.  How do I stop her?  I can't do it physically, I'd squash her and then I would be the one going to jail.  It's 3:00 in the morning and the path of my children's lives may very well depend on what I do in the morning.  I want them to be happy.  I want to make the right choices for them.  I want to be a good dad.  

[Jade]

>  My girlfriend and I have been together for about nine
>years.  We have three children together and we each have a
>10yr old boy from a previous marriage.  She has battles
>alcoholism for quite some time now and refuses to seek help.
>Approx seven years ago she was arrested for domestic assult.
>It was an embarassing experience but she kept
>bitting/hitting/kicking me and there is no way I would ever
>hit a woman so calling 911 seemed like the only solution.
>Anyway, after a great trip to see my sister out of town with
>two of my boys I arrived home to find her and her sister
>drunk.  I wasn't happy with the situation but I kept my cool.
>Her and her sister wanted me to go out to the bar with them
>but I declined.  I fell asleep and awoke to loud talking in
>the livingroom.  I tried to go back to sleep but after about
>thirty minutes I had to do something.  I walked out into the
>livingroom to find my girlfriend's sister sitting with a guy
>and my girlfriend lying on the couch with her head in a guys
>lap and her legs over another guys lap.  Her shirt was up, her
>belt undone and one guy had his hands between her legs.
>Although it is no longer my profession I used to be a
>residential mental health specialist and family support
>worker.  As much as I would have liked to lose my temper I
>simply told everyone to leave immediately.  The three guys and
>her sister left at once.  After they left my girlfriend
>started screaming at me and cursing.  The alcohol on her
>breath made me want to vomit.  I told her she needed to find
>another place to stay tonight.  She then bit me and began
>hitting/kicking me.  I stepped back and told her to go outside
>and have a cigarette and cool off.  When she did I locked the
>door behind her.  She of course freaked out and busted the
>door.  Three of our boys came running out of their room (ages
>10, 5 and 2) to see what was going on.  The ten year old is
>her son from a previous relationship and discusses her alcohol
>problem with me quite openly and honestly.  He knew she was
>drunk and told me to call the police.  I instead asked them to
>go to their room and told them I would be in in a minute.  She
>screamed, hit, kicked and bit me some more before passing out
>on the couch.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not an "abused"
>person.  I am 6ft5 268lbs and she is 4ft 11 and about 105lbs.
>I feel more pain when I stub my toe.   I then went into the
>boy's bedroom and dried multiple tears and did my best to
>reassure them that everything would be okay.  They are now
>asleep and she is still passed out on the couch.  I have had
>enough.  I live in a very small town in Nebraska.  I work full
>time and she stays at home with the kids.  I just bought my
>first house last fall and I was hoping we could all live here
>as a family.  Now I just want the kids and I to be happy.  I
>don't know what to do.  It is way to small of a community to
>get the sheriffs dept involved.  I have no money for a lawyer.
> Most months I'm lucky just to affort the house payment and
>utilities.  I cannot contact health and human services.  The
>reason being is that is who I worked for when I did family
>support work and I know the caseworkers personally and I have
>never seen a more worthless group of individuals in my life.
>Which, incedently is why I left the job.  What do I do in the
>morning?  I know she'll try to take the kids.  How do I stop
>her?  I can't do it physically, I'd squash her and then I
>would be the one going to jail.  It's 3:00 in the morning and
>the path of my children's lives may very well depend on what I
>do in the morning.  I want them to be happy.  I want to make
>the right choices for them.  I want to be a good dad.  

Uh, you ARE an abused person.  Get a restraining order against her and be sure to include the children (even hers from a prior marriage).  She is not a safe person to be around while she isn't dealing with her alcoholism.  And this just may be the rock bottom that she needs to get help.

[mistoffolees]

>Uh, you ARE an abused person.  Get a restraining order against
>her and be sure to include the children (even hers from a
>prior marriage).  She is not a safe person to be around while
>she isn't dealing with her alcoholism.  And this just may be
>the rock bottom that she needs to get help.


Exactly. Get a restraining order.

If the OP spent that many years as a mental health specialist, I wonder why he hasn't done so already. He undoubtedly knows the effect that this type of abuse has on the kids.

As soon as you file the restraining order, file for sole custody of the kids. Ask for only supervised visitation for the ex due to her health problems.

And stop badmouthing the local caseworkers. Whether you like them or not, your future (and your children's future) depends on them.

Good luck.

[notnew]

Stop being embarrassed. Guys get abused. You are abused. File for a RO and an emergency custody hearing for the kids.

I agree with everyone, but see you are acting like a guy. A big, tough, guy who no little girl pushes around. Stop being silly. She has a problem. Acting like a guy will impact those children and in my opinion, denying the abuse and not protecting those children makes you a bigger ass in my eyes then just about anything else you could have said or done.

Move. Now. Take off of work to do this. Do not leave those kids alone with her again.

And yes, stop badmouthing the caseworkers. In your life, NEVER burn bridges unless you are absolutely sure you will never need to cross them again. Instances where you know you never will cross again are rare. The caseworkers abilities is not one of them. Believe me buddy, the system sucks everywhere.

[williaer]

I'd be interested to know what you did. How are things- this is a very bad situation.

[HelpingHands]

File for a restraining order. While in front of the magistrate/judge who hears your case you can address immediate/temporary custody issues with him. There are ways to get immediate custody of the children when you have violence(hitting biting,yelling,punching and sexual misconduct) in the presence of the children.

So.... what's happened? Quit enabling her. Being in the field you were in, you know what's right and wrong and it makes you look worse for not taking the steps necessary to protect your children. In the end, you will look like one of the caseworkers you call 'worthless'.

[backwardsbike]

I am sorry that I am just reading this right now.  Sir, you need a PFA.  With it you can make her leave the home and I am sure that your children will stay with you.  She would most likely take her son from the previosu relationship with her.  The house is yours.  The two of you aren't married.  Do not be shy about calling the police or sherrifs depratment.  Your not asking them to "save" you, you are getting documentation which will be very important.  The appearance of the police tends to cool most people off real quick to so in the long run you could save the kids some problems on down the line.

I would think you could petition for a PFA at the court house by yourslef or thru any domestic violence shelter.  Do not feel that you cannot use these services due to the fact that you are a man.  That is a falsehood.  Your point is to protect the children and avoid hurting her phsyically which would surely get you jammed up in a multiple number of ways.

I am not a lawyer and this si not legal advice.  but Ihave been a spych nurse for 25 years and am a master's candidate for a counsleing degree.  I commend you for thinking of the children's welfare becasue this kind of stuff will have long lasting repurcussions for them.

I can see why a big guy like you would feel akward to cal the sherif's department.  But do not feel like that.  You run much less risk of a poor outcome if you DON'T call. The behavior of people who are under the influence is too unpredictable whwn you have small children underfoot.

You didn't create the poor situation, she did thru her willful disregard of her role as a mother.  All you can do is cut the losses.