What do you think we should do?

[topnotchdad]

I need some advice....

We currently have 50/50 custody of DSD alternating weeks, and have been doing 50/50 for the last 4-5 years.  We established this plan through mediation, which was later entered as a custody order by a judge.  BM and DH were never married.

Over the last 2 years, BM has really started displaying mental and emotional problems and is abusing drugs, both prescribed to her and marijuana.  Her husband also smokes pot and may use other drugs as well.  He has a criminal record for possession of cocaine, about 6 years ago.  In addition, she complained to DH several months ago that she suspects her older son (from another man, not DH) is using drugs as well.

In the last 3 years, BM has "faked cancer" (shaved her head and told people she was getting chemo), accused a local sports hero of raping her (the county and state prosecutor refused to press charges due to the overwhelming evidence that BM was lying and sex was consensual), been prosecuted for passing bad checks, had their house in foreclosure (they resolved that one), and caught their house on fire (more on that later).

BM's drug abuse causes a real lack of "parenting" on her part.  She is usually either asleep or "smoking in the garage" when DSD gets home from school, has only come to 1 (of 9) soccer games last season, misses conferences with teachers, etc.  She "helped" DSD (a 3rd grader) with her subtraction homework one day, and told her she was supposed to subtract from L-R (hundreds first, then tens and then ones), so DSD got every problem wrong.  Seriously, she is so stoned she can't do 3rd grade math!

What really causes concern is that BM drives around while high or on prescription drugs (she has a prescription for Valium and Xanax).  We are really concerned that she will have an accident while DSD (or one of her other kids) is in the car.  She has a fender bender about every 3-4 months, but just says she's a bad driver, or is unlucky.

In addition, in Nov, she fell asleep with a cigarette and set her couch on fire.  They claimed that the entire house suffered smoke damage, and so they got all new furniture, carpet, paint, etc.

Also, she signs DSD out of school for no reason, with no note, just b/c she feels like picking her up early, or she has errands to run; and DSD has been late twice as well during BM's time.  We got a letter from the school that DSD will be considered truant if she is late or gets signed out unexcused (without a note from an actual physician) 2 more times.

On top of all this, BM claims that she will be moving next year, and wants us to sell our house and move to their new town as well.  We bought our current home 3 years ago, b/c BM moved here (her hometown) and claimed that she was going to live here the rest of her life.  We worry that if we do move, she will back out, and she will win custody on the grounds that it's in DSD best interests to stay in the same school w/her friends, etc.  But on the other hand, we don't really like the town we live in, we only moved here b/c it was best for DSD for us to live close to BM, but we'd like to be able to choose where we life, not wait for BM to choose for us.

Lastly, BM has asked if she can take DSD to a concert this summer with a friend of BM's, it's a weekend trip 5 hours away.  We think that DSD would enjoy the concert, and we want her to spend time "bonding" with BM (since it rarely happens), but we don't think it's safe to send her on a weekend "drugs and booze" trip with BM, and there's really no way for BM to "prove" she didn't use drugs on her trip short of demanding a urine test upon her return.

So my questions are:

Should we go ahead and find a place we like and move, thus providing the "change of circumstance" we need to sue for full custody?

What should we do about the drugs?  Should we call in an anonymous tip to CPS or something?

Do you think we should let her go to the concert?  Is it unreasonable to ask for a drug test as a condition?

Thanks for your advice!

[mistoffolees]

>Should we go ahead and find a place we like and move, thus
>providing the "change of circumstance" we need to sue for full
>custody?

No. The courts are going to give preference to leaving the child in the same location. If you move, you stack the deck against yourself.

If BM has told you in writing that she plans to move next year, that is your change in circumstances - and works in your favor.

>
>What should we do about the drugs?  Should we call in an
>anonymous tip to CPS or something?

I would take the daughter to be tested for drugs. This will show that she has been exposed to drugs. Marijuana is particularly easy to pick up this way. That will give you the grounds you need for a new custody evaluation.

I would think about reporting to CPS, but it would be even better if the daughter were to talk with a counselor and they reported it.

>
>Do you think we should let her go to the concert?  Is it
>unreasonable to ask for a drug test as a condition?

If you have joint legal, you don't need permission to test the daughter. Just see your doctor.

I guess it depends on the type of concert. If it's an outdoor 'Classics in the Park', I'd say OK. If it's the typical rock concert, I wouldn't personally allow it (our daughters were not allowed to go to a concert until they were 16 and even then it depended on who the concert was and only with friends we trusted).

[jenkins9]

there is no way in hell that i would allow my child to spend one minute of one hour in a home with a parent that abused drugs. If it is in your power take her to court and get full custody. I myself would suggest getting a private investigator to put her under surveilance and get some photos of her smoking the leafy green or God knows what else she is doing...document everything and by all means do not let your kid go on the concert trip. The mom needs to get clean for herself and your child. Err on the side of caution my friend.