DD stealing medical records

[Sunshine1]

She is too old to beat and send a message through her head.  These kids are too old, and you are taking quite a beating yourself from them.  

My feelings are... I wouldn't say a word.  I would lock up all my stuff, and keep on living my life.  She is obviously going to know she is busted by removing the evidence from her room.  At this point what else is there to do that isn't going to cost you another arm and a leg?  I don't mean to sound like negative Nelly here, but you can't trust them. From this day forward you must act like the BF is coming to stay at your house and be on the defensive.  Horrible way to live but they are sent out to do this stuff from their Dad.  They have been programmed to do and say all this stuff and there isn't a court order, therapist, or judge alive that is going to stop this madness.

This is not your doing and sadly when they are grown and out from under the wicked Bio- Father's spell, then and only then are you going to be able to sit them down and tell them how this has effected you and your family.  They will be able to hear you when they don't have him to report back to.

[escape2paradise]

Hang in there!  I am dealing with something similar with my 13 yr old.  

I get my hope from my aunt.  She went through the same thing with her kids when they were younger.  Severe PAS!  She has three kids and each one as they got older and away from their dad, realized  what what was going on.  They each came around and now not one of them has anything to do with their dad.  They are madder than He$$ that he deprived them of a normal relationship with their mom.  

Love your daughter, she will figure it out someday.  It's a bummer in the meantime, but don't cut her off.  Someday you will have that mother daughter relationship that you long for and when she's ready, you want her to know that you are there.

[Jade]

>
>>I don't know.  The other parent has already put her in the
>>middle by asking her to snoop.  She will only get defensive
>if
>>you confront her.  
>>
>
>Be careful about jumping to conclusions.
>
>One of the worst things you can do is assume that someone is
>guilty until proven innocent.
>
>While she may be snooping for BM, there's nothing in the
>original post that would lead to that conclusion. In fact, the
>OP admits that this is pure speculation.

BM?  The original poster is the non-custodial MOTHER.  

If she is snooping, she is doing so for the custodial FATHER.  

[backwardsbike]

Jade, Sunshine, and Escape to Paradise-

Thank you all so much for your response.

I appreciate that you took the time to offer feedback and share your expereinces with me.  I am seeing my NC kids this evening.  To be honest- I am still a little leery about what I'm going to do.

Cutting off visits wasn't something I ws thinking of doing in my own best interests- it just seemed like possibly the best thing I could do for my daughter given the fact that I have no aprental authority, cannot get any help via counsleing, and it surely must be damaging for her to be constantly put in the middle like this.  It seemed a way to perhaps remove the middle.  I am remined of the parable where King Solomon decided to cut the child in half when the two women couldn't agree on which was the mother.  When one woman said, give te child to the other, the wise king knew that that was the real mother because she was willing to forgo any part of the baby just to keep him alive.  The other woman didn't care- she just wanted her "share"  even if the baby ended up dead.

There were things in those records that may have caused my DD to be afraid.  Things children shouldn't understand.  But I feel I must talk with her about what she read.  What is hard for me is not knowing what the kids think or have been told.  Another reaosn couseling would be so helpful, but the powers that be don't see it that way.  The GAL has told me that I am on my own with regrds to the children's relationships with me.  So then, I guess that I am and will handle this in the same open way that I handle everything else.

I don't think a harsh cofrontation will help and whomever said it would raise her defensiveness is most likely right.  But there are ways to convey that I am not happy with this invasion of privacy without being harshly confrontational and I think I will need to employ them now.

Again, thank you three for your help.  I use these boards, as well as others, as a sounding board.  Unlike some, I can admit that I don't always know immediately what is right or that perhaps, I'm not seeing the whole picture.  I've always thought of it as a sign of strength, but that's just my humble opinion.  So I have appreciated your input with for , what to me, has been a huge and hurtful problem.  Thanks again!

[mistoffolees]

OK, sorry, I got it backwards because I didn't go back and check.

The point is that the stuff about spying for the other parent is just conjecture. It's a bad idea to just assume that the other parent is involved.

[mistoffolees]

>Jade, Sunshine, and Escape to Paradise-
>
>Thank you all so much for your response.
>
>Again, thank you three for your help.  I use these boards, as
>well as others, as a sounding board.  


I think it's rather funny when someone is so obvious about asking for advice and then immediately discarding the half they don't like.

[backwardsbike]

I didn't discard the "half" I didn't like.  I discarded the one piece, that after very careful reflection, I felt didn't fit.  Actually, I found three people's advice very helpful, and just one tiny piece of your orginal post , the part that sure seemed like a dig, not helpful.   But one would now have to wonder about YOUR boundaries because after YOUR opinion, not your advice, was discarded you are still harping on it.  This seems to say so much more about you than it does about me or my situation.  

[mistoffolees]

>I didn't discard the "half" I didn't like.  I discarded the
>one piece, that after very careful reflection, I felt didn't
>fit.  Actually, I found three people's advice very helpful,
>and just one tiny piece of your orginal post , the part that
>sure seemed like a dig, not helpful.   But one would now have
>to wonder about YOUR boundaries because after YOUR opinion,
>not your advice, was discarded you are still harping on it.
>This seems to say so much more about you than it does about me
>or my situation.  


ROTFLMAO.

Let's pretend for a moment that you're right and you really did consider my advice and it wasn't helpful to you. Wouldn't a person who was really open to suggestions thank EVERYONE who provided advice and not just those who agreed with them? After all, wouldn't a rational response be to say "thanks to everyone who provided advice - I found a lot of useful information" rather than "thanks to the people who provided me with advice that I liked and can use without putting out any effort"?

It's also rather telling that you would consider my advice a 'dig' - even after I explained that it wasn't. My book was intended to help everyone having trouble dealing with boundary issues (including, as I stated, those who are looking for advice in how to deal with others who have boundary issues). There's absolutely nothing there that could be interpreted as a 'dig'.

Don't worry - it doesn't bother me a bit that you chose to ignore the advice on reading a bit about boundaries since the girl obviously has an issue. I just think it's funny that you do so - and then pretend that your closed mind is a virtue.

[forthekids24]

I would take the file, lock it up and leave a note in its place under the bed explaining that if she has any questions, to come ask!

Good luck!
FTK

[backwardsbike]

In my post, I mentioned that the ONLY part of your post that I found to not be helpful was your OPINION: That I had some sort of boundary issues.  I thought the part about the book was great.  Where the advice stopped and the opinion/dig began was when you suggested that suspending a visit over  something which you obviously feel was so minor that it could be handled by reading a book was somehow not what you considered to be "healthy".

The other posters that I thanked for input gave me just that-input. In the future, on this board i wll be much more careful about my choice of words.  Like the author says...Women are from Venus, men are from Mars.

Can we consider the hatchet to be buried?  I never meant to offend you.  And I'll tell you what, I'll even let you have the last word.